ginac
recently joined
Reged: 02/24/09
Posts: 5
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I know this is long, but hopefully someone will have the patience to read through it and offer me some advice. I met my husband of 18yrs. 19yrs. ago. When we met (he had just gotten married 2 mons. prior to meeting me)I did not know that he was already married. He didn't tell me he was married until 5 months later. I was devestated and broke it off for about a week. Then he told me his wife of 2mons. was pregnant, but not to worry because she was sickly and probably wouldnt have the baby. She did, he got divorced I married him and we have two children of our own. When her child was born she said that her son could not have any contact with me, so my family and children have no idea that my husband has this other child. My husband has been verbally and sometimes physically abusive(shoving, pushing, throwing on ground) to me over the years.He has blamed me for not being a part of his child's life and he has continued to lie to me over the years about many things.He has been vebally abusive to several friends and family members also. He convinced me to move to an isolated rural area an hour away from friends and family with the promise that his hours would change and he would be home at 3 everyday. Of course that did not happen. In fact he started sleeping at his Mom's house 2 nights a week so he could work overtime. Recently he planned a trip for ten days(2nd trip for himself in 3 yrs) and paid for it(we are in debt) without telling me. I found out from a stranger prior to him going. His famous line "I was gonna tell you or I didn't lie just didnt tell you" was used again.I told him if he went that was it, this was the final straw. When he got back from trip I asked him to leave and went to a lawyer. During this time he made contact with his other child. Now he thinks that my children should be told about this, in fact he was going to tell them Christmas Day, which I felt was totally inappropriate. We are not divorced yet, and my children have been very upset by all that has gone on.His family has done and said some not so nice things, and he has acted somewhat cold to the kids(sometimes not talking to them for over a week and then texting them rather than talking to them). I think that he should wait until things settle down for my children before he tells them. He thinks they should be told now, and that they will love finding out that they have an older sibling(they are 16&13).I asked him how his other child and the child's mom feel about all this and he doesn't even know. I think he should find out first before dropping another bomb on my children. I am heartbroken.I don't understand why he would feel the urgency to do this know. And after all this I sometimes don't want to go through with the divorce.Any advice on how to handle this mess?
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Spring
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 7972
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Yikes. Your husband sounds like a typical abusive controlling jerk. Of course, I only know your side:-) Still, what you wrote about sounds textbook.
I agree with you...I think your kids are going thru enough...but having said that, they should have been told years ago IMO. Regardless, your husband sounds like a selfish creep so what you want and whats best for the kids won't matter to him. So, you likely are going to want to prepare to do damage control. How about family counseling? I know...your husband forbids it, right? Do not stop the divorce...it IS hard, but you need to be strong. You too deserve better.
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Never consider the possibility of failure; as long as you persist, you will be successful.
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ginac
recently joined
Reged: 02/24/09
Posts: 5
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We have gone for counseling(several different ones maybe 3x.s max each 1) in the past and according to him they were nuts.I actually have an appointment with a couselor for next week because I want to discuss the best way to tell my children about this. I am also going to have them go for counseling.I agree they should have been told along time ago and I tried to discuss the situation with him many times, but he kept putting it off. Since my husband had no contact with the child(that I know of) I let it go. Sometimes I think he actually used the situation to control me. We had an arguement the other night about telling the children and he threw me on the ground and they walked in to see that! He blames all our problems on this secret and blames me for it! He says I caused him to lose his child, and usually this makes me feel so bad. I keep reminding myself that it isn't so because he always does exactly what he wants to do.
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Spring
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 7972
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Ya...and you know he isn't going to change. My guess is you could benefit from some really good counseling. How's your self esteem? Sad that the kids had to witness that, but I also guess that they know how he treats you, even if they haven't seen him be physical before.
I hope you have a good counselor. Sounds to me like you have some good inner strength happening regardless. YOu keep reminding yourself that you aren't the cause of any of his issues. He is the control freak, not you. Would anyone be able to make you abandon your child? I doubt it, me either. He is trying to project his guilt on to you. He's emotionally weak.
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Never consider the possibility of failure; as long as you persist, you will be successful.
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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just dont' let him do that, he is a grown adult capable of making his own choices. Blaming others for our problems is not a good thing to do we all have choices. I agree he does sound like a bully.
Your decision to go to counseling and get your children counseling is a good one...they will need alot of help to cope with all this turmoil that they are about to face.
His situation is his own doing no one elses.
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ginac
recently joined
Reged: 02/24/09
Posts: 5
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Thanks Annie. Wish if were easier for both me and my children. I hate myself for bringing them into such a mess!
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kotabear
addict
Reged: 09/05/07
Posts: 488
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You didn't bring them into this mess all on your own, your hubby had a part as well. Sounds like he's has brought alot of stress, and hardship onto you and the family.
Let him go!!!!
It will be soooo hard, and he will make you feel like you are so bad, and will beat you down emtionally, till you feel about a quarter of an inch high! But push it off, stand tall!
sounds like he's cheating, he was cheating on his first wife when he meet you, why do you think he'd be faithful to you???
Counseling will help you build yourself and your kids up again.
He's a manipulator, to get what he wants, he tells you things so he can do what he wants. Don't let it get to you , and let go.....
Take care of you and your kiddos,
Kotabear
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In three words I can sum up everything
I've learned about life:
It goes on.
(Robert Frost)
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steve23
newbie
Reged: 03/05/09
Posts: 28
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www.glorisphere.com
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kate_spencer
newbie
Reged: 02/20/09
Posts: 26
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No, you didn't brought them into this.. and kotabear is right, it's your husband who brought that mess in your family.. he's making you feel it's your fault because he's a coward, he don't want to admit his own mistakes. You better off with this man.
And I also agree with Spring.. don't stop the divorce, he has lost his respect to you.. you deserve better.
I hope the counseling for your children went well and to you too.
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Save my marriage
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