Majikardz
recently joined
Reged: 08/27/04
Posts: 9
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Hello everyone, I am a 16 year old boy in the state of Maryland. After a year of my parents fighting, my dad moved out and got a house very close by (about a minute and a half away in the car),and since then things have gotten progressively rougher, especially concerning my mom. She is acting very immaturely, and it is hard for my brother (13) and I to tough it out. She is damaging everybody, and making my parents' separation so bad that they are going to go to court soon. I know it is harsh of me to put the blame of the difficulty mainly on her, but it is true. I am trying my best to keep a level head about her, because in all other respects she is a fantastic mother, and I know that she is going through a very difficult thing and so I am giving her the benefit of the doubt whenever I can. However, it is hard to do this when she tries preaching to me and my brother about the (untrue) bad things she claims our dad is doing; when she gets in angry fits and slams doors and claims my brother and I are 'defending our bastard father too much' when we are merely asking her to stop criticizing him in front of us; when she gets mad at us and tells us to 'go live with your dad'; and more.
But I think I know what to do, so I didn't really come to ask how to handle that situation. I know that my brother and I just have to tough it out and stand strong and wait for this all to end, and stay available as loving sons to both our parents. I get through her bad days by reminding myself of the good days, and I'm trying hard not to judge her because besides this, she is a great person. I wrote this because I'm worried about my mental health regarding her. I'm growing more anxious around her; when I'm about to see her, I feel anxiety and want to run away. These feelings are much worse when I know she might be in a bad mood, but even when there is no reason for her to be in a bad mood I am a bit scared. I don't want this separation to create a lasting rift between my mother and I, but I can feel it happening. Of course she is doing all this to herself, but I constantly fight battles in my mind over what to do about her. She is the number one stressor in my life, and has been ever since my dad announced his intention to leave (my dad, by the way, is a great father and a great person, just as my mother is a great mother and a great person. I really believe that he is doing everything good in this separation and is trying to make it work, and she is just screwing it all up).
My question is, should I see a counselor or should I get some sort of help about the situation? I'm worried that if I keep worrying too much about her it will start hurting me mentally. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
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Onyx
old hand
Reged: 08/03/04
Posts: 816
Loc: Buffalo NY
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First off, here is a Motherly cyber hug for you ((((Hugs)))
Now, down to business. Just the other day, my 13 year old came to me, and wanted to go somewhere with his friends. He couldnt tell me exactly where, or when he would be back, so I told him no. He started getting angry and wound up telling me that I was going to make him crazy with my line of questioning. I told him "too bad, its my job!" Had you come in here telling us something like that, I would have told you the same... so I will not, because you didnt.
Let me tell you this instead. Your Mother is hurt. From the looks of your post, you and your brother live with her. Your Fathers day to day behavior isnt seen by you or your brother, so yes, he appears to be more stable. And perhaps he is. She is a Mother who is hurt, and needs help from the looks of things. Counseling? Go to your Mother, and tell her that you love her, and are concerned about her-because I think you really are, or else you wouldnt have come here to ask these questions. Tell her that you really think that all of you would benefit from family counseling... because, really, I think all of you would. I know it must be tough, I was there. My Mother was hurt too. She never bad mouthed my Father in front of us, but we had to watch her cry for a few months, and I know its hard to do....especially for a boy. My brother took it the worst out of all of us kids. Try to be patient with her, as you have been. Stick by your brother too, at 13, they have their own things going on in their heads. Dont you think all of you would benefit from family counseling? If she tells you that she doesnt need it, tell her that you and your brother do, and ask her if she would go with you guys for support at least. Maybe she doesnt realize, through all of her own anguish, that she is acting this way. Please keep us posted. I have to ask, you said that you already know what you are going to do about your situation.... care to share? I am just curious. Blessings, and Love, Onyx
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"Don't Make Me Get My Flying Monkeys"
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Grace
addict
Reged: 08/19/04
Posts: 404
Loc: KY
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Hi again, Majikardz. . . I see things haven't changed very much for you and yours :(
But, that's to be expected, these things take time.
I agree with Onyx. . . get some counseling. Try to get your mom and brother invloved. If mom refuses, get some for yourself, and if your brother has the same concerns, get some for him too.
Counseling may not help right away. I didn't benefit from mine until a year or so after I stopped going out of frustration. . . but, in the end, it helped tremendously. If nothing else, it will be a safe place to blow off steam once a week.
By the way, how is your dad handling the divorce?
Take care :)
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Dyslexic agnostics don't believe in Dog.
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aussie928
old hand
Reged: 10/29/04
Posts: 969
Loc: Dallas
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G'day mate...you sound like a bright and caring young men..your parents can be proud of this..if not the marriage. I agree with what the others say.. but I would like to add.. you need to sit your mother down..calmly. Tell her you love her and your father, and you know both of them love you. You are very sorry they are getting a divorce but that is NOT your issue..it is theirs. YOU expect BOTH to say nothing negative about the other...period.
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overtherainbow
enthusiast
Reged: 10/23/04
Posts: 268
Loc: New England
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Yes you need to see a counselor. Write a letter addressed to both your parents that you want family counseling and you are troubled by your parents behavior and you cannot take sides because you love both your parents. It is unfair of your mother to diss your father in front of you. She needs to go to her own counselor or minister, or group counseling to discuss her difficulties. You should not have to listen to that. Sometimes your school's counselor would be able to give you a name of a good family counselor to see. Do not reveal any personal information about yourself -where you live, go to school etc on the internet.
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icelollie
recently joined
Reged: 12/02/04
Posts: 10
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I agree with writing a letter. That way your mom will have time to think about it and she will HEAR what you say. Maybe your mom has all the stresses if you and your brother are with her. Are they sharing responsibilities or is everything just on her?
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19891
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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Even though we were all adults when our parents divorced, it didn't stop our mother from attempting to "alienate" us from our father. I absolutely refused to participate because as the last "child" to leave home, I knew that our parents had equally contributed to the demise of their marriage and my refusal caused many ill feelings between Mom and myself, and between my siblings and myself.
Things got worse after my own divorce and then one day (some ten years later), I sat down and wrote my mother a LONG letter and I told her that I was both angry and disappointed in her. I told her that her "marriage" was between Dad and her and had NOTHING to do with us "kids" because the divorce did NOT change the fact that they were STILL Mom and Dad. That it was WRONG for her to force HER personal opinion of HER marriage upon us and expect us to take "sides" and that it was even MORE wrong for her to treat me badly because I refused to take "sides" period. .
While the letter served as one hell of a "wake-up" call for our Mother to say the least, there was a little more to it in that I drew a line in the sand; I basically told her that until she got her [censored] together, that I wanted nothing more to do with her.
Needless to say, my sisters were horrified at what I had done and even our father, wasn’t too happy with me and I won’t kid you that is easy…it took Mom almost a year before she called me, but it was worth the wait. What turned out to be the last twelve years of our mother’s life, were good years despite her illness because she had finally let go of the bitterness.
For some people, like your mother, divorce is very, very hard. There are issues related to loss of control and low self-esteem and for some, the only way to regain that “control” is to try and control others by making the divorce difficult; to boost their self-esteem, they alienate their children from the other parent (which also serves the need for “control”).
Your mom NEEDS to know that she doesn’t HAVE TO be married to your father to STILL be your “mom” and that that JUST as she has enough love for BOTH you AND your brother, YOU have enough love for BOTH her and your father. You need to make it clear to her that her and your father’s “marriage/divorce” has NOTHING to do with you and your brother because it does NOT change the fact that they are still Mom and Dad.
BUT…you are old enough to draw your own line. Tell her that you and your brother NEED their mother, NOT this horrible person that she has become and that if she can’t be your” mother”, then you don’t want to live with her.
You’re also old enough (your brother too) to speak to the Judge and I would tell him the same. That you love your mother, but that that not who she is right now and it would be best if you lived with your father until your “mother” comes back.
I would also recommend counseling for both you and your brother. There are some wonderful groups out there for children of divorcing/divorced parents.
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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Majikardz
recently joined
Reged: 08/27/04
Posts: 9
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Thank you all very much for replying. yes, I think I will sit my mom down and tell her, like you said aussie, that this needs to change, etc. I'll do it when both of us are in a good mood. And if that doesnt serve as a wake-up call, I'll probably go see a counselor. I'm not looking forward to that as much because its complicated and takes effort on my part (poor me) but it would be a good thing to do. Onyx- what I'm going to do about the situation is to just tough it out, stick by my parents, try to stay sane, tolerate them when theyre insane, survive until its over.
Grace, my moms got a complicated web of immaturity. Counseling might work, but itd be rough- im afraid her personality right now isnt suited to 'giving anything in', and she doesnt have an open mind at the moment. Counseling probably would be good now anyway, or if not now then definitely some time in the future. thanks you all for telling me to do it.
And my dads handling the divorce pretty well- he was the one that wanted it after all. Actually its not even a divorce yet- not even a separation. they couldnt communicate any sort of compromise about this 'separation agreement', so theyre going to court soon to do it, unless something changes. The thing is that my dad wants half custody of my brother and I, and my mom doesnt want that. thats cool- my dad has his desires and my mom has hers. i used to be in support of my dad regarding half custody, but now I am opting to stay out of it (i.e. not testify in court if i have to) and am leaning towards my moms side a bit. im not telling her that though (because she'll pounce on it and exagerrate it and use it against my dad, blah blah etc etc), so my mom still thinks i want half custody and thats alot of whats pissing her off.
anyway back on topic- my dads handling the pending-separation well, hes angry at my mom but hes handling it alot better and he keeps it away from my brother and I alot of the time. i feel alot of sympathy for both my parents, him because hes gotta put up with my mom. theyd been fighting for a year before the separation, and he kept trying to get her to go to counseling with him but she never would. for months he went by himself, begging her to come and try to fix the marriage. her response- 'no, if you dont like it get out of the house'. she finally went after a few months, but then she quit it because he said things she didnt like...im trying not to become biased against my mom but its hard not to. finally, after a year of my dad trying to resolve their conflict and my mom not willing to, my dad announced that he was going to move out and did a month later. and all of a sudden my moms portraying herself as the victim.
sorry to ramble on about it...i could write for hours about it. the 'initial conflict' that prompted the year of fighting before the separation was over my dad having sort of a rebellion against my mom, saying he was tired of the way things were and he was tired of giving in to her all the time...i dont know much about it but all im saying is it wasnt a huge, jarring initial conflict.
but anyway ill stop talking...sorry :).
in response to icelollie...no, my parents are sharing responsibilities, though my mom does more because shes always done more, and been the big organizer. if anything, her dream is for all the responsibilities to be on her- she wants us all the time. i dont see that as much of a selfish thing but more of just a part of who she is- shes a mother, shes a woman who loves her children very much. i heard once from someone that 'shes lost her husband and now shes scared to death of losing her kids' and thats very true.
Gecko thats very interesting what you said about self-esteem and control...do you think it applies here? I definitely dont want to live with my father until she "comes back", because most of the time she is back. just to clear that up- shes a great mother and a great person, always has been, always will be, etc. on every issue outside the separation shes a selfless, totally committed mother. one of the finer soccer moms of her generation, if you ask me. and its not like shes miserable all the time now- im writing this monday nite and i just had a big argument with her (one thing led to another and i called her selfish and that made her explode and now she drove off somewhere to cool off steam and convince herself shes right), but the last few days shes been great, back to normal, happy, etc. alot of the time she does a great job of pushing her grief aside and living, and im proud of her for that. at least 60 or 70 percent of the time now (probably closer to 60) shes still the great mother shes always been, and thats good. i definitely dont want to be apart from her any more than i have to, and the same goes for my dad. its a shame how all this is turning out...but i think its what has to happen and eventually good will come out of it.
but whatever this is giving me a headache...sorry for writing so much. thanks for the advice, ill certainly take all of it!
sincerely, ben
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Grace
addict
Reged: 08/19/04
Posts: 404
Loc: KY
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Ben, one of the most difficult things for me to learn. . . was that my mom and dad were human.
Though they are still together, I thought for many years that they should have ran as far away from one another as possible. When I decided to divorce, they had PLENTY to say about it. . . including telling me that I would ruin my son's life, ruin my own life, that I was following silly dreams of being happy (whatever), that I wasn't being an adult and so on. They made me feel awful! But, one day, I realized that my parents were NOT the authority on marriage. And, that their advice was tainted, to say the least. I told them that I loved them and that I always valued their advice, but when it came to marriage, I would trust my own judgement.
It has been the only time that I PROVED to know better than mom. . . at least they know that now.
I know this isn't the same situation. But, my point is that parents are humans, who make mistakes, who don't know everything, despite what they tell you, and who, in the heat of anger, don't always set a good example. I think part of becomming an adult is realizing this. . . and you have.
Give it time and do your best at keeping your mind off of things (I know it isn't easy). Your mom is reacting like millions of others have & so is your dad. So, chin up, it won't always be this way.
I think you know what to say to your mom.
Take care of yourself too :)
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Dyslexic agnostics don't believe in Dog.
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aussie928
old hand
Reged: 10/29/04
Posts: 969
Loc: Dallas
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My hell mate... I read your words...and this all I can say.. when your parents are badmouthing each other...tell them yeah ..they have both done a lot of stupid things to each other.. but you know what mum and dad.. I will tell you one thing you did right..and this should make it all worth it..and that one thing...is ME...cuz you are one fine young man. They have something to be very proud of !!! Keep in touch mate.
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