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Hi ! new here, need some help 'not going back"
      #531148 - 05/08/09 01:17 PM

I left my H about 6 weeks ago. After 8 years of Marriage and 11 total together I am tired and have nothing left to give.

My husband has never Physically hit me but I am learnng how bad the effects of Emotional abuse can be on a person.
Yet I still love him (Go figure)

During our marriage I have been Abused emotionally for years by him his children and his ex wife. The latter to I kept making excuses for him because he was " My poor abused husband". Even when I was ignored during games and family functions, as long as he wasn't ignored.

It started slowly, Ignoring me when I needed to talk, Accusing me of Attacking him every time I tried to comunicate with him. (My voice was to loud or to low, Why am I making faces or jestures when talking, Was that a smile or are you laughing at me)Why do you look so mad when you talk to me, Then the accusations why are you wearing those clothes to work, who are they for? Why do you wear sexy underclothes? You never wear them for me,By the end of that I had no underclothes left. Tell me what you did today (Don't leave anything out),What do you do when you come home from work before I get home, I will seperate the bills to be paid and you will have a seperate account with both of our names so I can check it. I will give you and allowance of @10 a week ,I heard you say a man's name in your sleep < are you sleeping with him.We even tried therapy for that one.. Then my clothes started to disappear and the dog somehow got into my drawer and closet and always chewed something my husband thought was sexy.

We bought a house together that he immediately started to renovate, the only problem was that after he tore it up 4 years ago, he never put it back together. So of course with no furniture or walls for that matter , friends and family stopped coming over,He would say to me "No one comes over cause you don't clean well" Then every time I made plans to go somewhere with him we couldn't because we needed the money for the house that never had any work done on it. Hell my belongings were packed away in boxes three years before in a room, so was Everyone elses except for his of couse..

The last four years the guilt came, he would contantly tell me what I was thinking about him, work, life, Like I was not capable of thinking these things myself. When i was tired and tried to leave he would cry (amazing how fast a man can turn it on and off) and say that I was the only one that "Stuck it out with him and never left" only I understood him, I was the only one he told about his trauma in life ,and beg me not to go. If that didn't work he would tell me that he was a falliar as a husband and a father and that he should just die so everyone especially me would be happy.

Last year his children left his life (as his daughter put it because dad doesn't even care that we exist). On there way out they tried to have me arrested at the prompting of there mother who harrassed me with her daughter for years. The phone calls the mom said this and that, constantly defending myself while my husband watched then hid in the basement, never once defending me..

I couldn't even mourn there loss because my husband reminded me every day that to do so would be an attack on him and his feelings. he took what pictures I had left of them and packed them away in the room.He said he just wanted life with him and I, like no one else existed anymore. When I couldn't take it I tried to talk to him one day, he got so mad that he cornered me in the kitchen, breaking cabinet doors along the way, then he chased me up to our bedroom that had no walls until I screamed so loud the neighbors came knocking, I ran the next day to a friend in another state. I stayed there for two weeks, The whole time being harrassed by him with Sorry and I love you and please don't leave me in my time of need. he promised therapy (even got a thereapust and medications, which he swore he was taking) I decided to give him a chance HE LIED

When I came home i learned that he was not taking the meds, just pretending that he was. He said " Well I didn't need them see I am normal" Statement of the century. he stopped therapy 2 weeks after I came home. He wven went so far as to tell me he was approached by someone at my job and "she told him I was cheating on him" I saw the video , noone even spoke to him. but because he started such a problem I ended up being fired a month later. After 10 years

Things got worse from there.. I actually had to tell him " to hug me like you love me" Imagine that..Then the accusations got worse. I was cheating on him he says with a man from work, then my son's recruiter, then another man from work.. He said that he new this because 4 years ago he thinks that he saw a text message from a man on my phone so that gave him the proof he needed to get a program on our computer and stalk me, and read my diary and check every phoone message. He says he has been doing it for years but it is not his fault. he says that he has been punnishing me for something that he thought I did.

And now that I am gone he does not understand why I cannot just put it away and move on with him cause after all he is again in therapy and working on himself... He wants me to give him another 4 to 6 years to work on him.. Go figure,, still about him. Now he wants to talk everyday, i can't shut him up/

There is so much here and I am sorry if it is scattered but I guess I needed to get it out..

I think I am missing what I thought I had , but really did not have at all. i have not filed yet but I feel it coming and I just feel like I need to know that what I am ready to do is ok..That "My feelings are valid for once".

Thanks for listening and any advice would be greatly appreciated

Kai :confused:

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Reged: 02/05/09
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Loc: Illinois
Re: Hi ! new here, need some help 'not going back" [Re: Kai]
      #531651 - 05/09/09 04:32 PM

Dear, from someone who was also abused (physically as well as emotionally) you need to see a counselor as well. I mean that in the best sense of the word. Your post shouts the need for someone to talk to and who will tell you not necessarily what you want to hear, but will tell you what you need to hear.

You already know not to go back. Having been where you are at, I can tell you that going back will only make matters worse. It will just tighten the hold he THINKS he has on you. WHy would he actually go get help when he can talk you into going back to him without it? I would NEVER consider going back to him until he has successfully completed therapy and not a moment before. That will tell you if he is really going to put forth his best effort to change. Who decides if he has completed therapy? The therapist, not him, and not you.

You need to take care of yourself first before you think about returning to him as well. You are a person who is worthy of affection and respect. Those are two things you apparently were not getting in your marraige. You will not be happy as a couple (whether with him or someone else) until you are happy with yourself.

Good luck. Stay strong. If that means not talking to him then don't. Have an attorney talk to him for you if need be. If he thinks even for a minute you are going to give in he will not give you any peace. He will keep hounding away at you until he gets what he wants. He appears to have the qualities of a stalker and a physical abuser. Do not take his actions lightly because he hasn't actually hit you yet.

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Reged: 02/16/09
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Re: Hi ! new here, need some help 'not going back" [Re: apples]
      #553036 - 07/13/09 07:50 AM

I agree with the 'apples' going back should cease to be an option and visiting a counselor or a shrink would be highly are a beautifull person you deserve to be happy and to be happy you should 'choose' to be happy and take the necessary steps in that direction.

Ideal Gifts for all occasions: Bobblehead

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Reged: 07/18/09
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Re: Hi ! new here, need some help 'not going back" [Re: gsabas]
      #556380 - 07/18/09 09:38 PM

You are dealing with a narcissist. I read your post, and it sounds remarkably like the relationship I have had with my husband. I left him in January. You should read all you can about narcissism. I have a pretty good blog at that has links to articles I wrote. But you can also look at articles written at this website:

The man is totally self-absorbed (at least mine is). I left mine in January, and he still doesn't think he did anything wrong. And his coddling mother is probably reinforcing that for him daily.

It's pretty scary that I have wasted 12 years of my life (on and off) on this man that holds a soft spot in my heart that he has repeatedly used to keep me where he wants me. No more.

I also have an article on on narcissism. There are a wide variety of websites on this disorder, which is usually undiagnosed, as the narcissist typically will not go to counseling, because he feels he is perfect!

Edited by advisor4qb (07/18/09 09:57 PM)

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Reged: 09/19/09
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Re: Hi ! new here, need some help 'not going back" [Re: advisor4qb]
      #579502 - 09/19/09 04:48 PM

Do NOT go back....I did and I wish I didn't. I tried to fight for my marriage for almost a year and now am suffering from PTSD myself because it ended up turning into physical abuse.

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Re: Hi ! new here, need some help 'not going back" [Re: kathyd04]
      #585938 - 10/07/09 11:43 AM

This sounds similar to my situation. No actual physical abuse but have been controlled by him throughout much of our marriage (6 years). I left about 6 weeks ago and he just doesn't get it. a month before I left, he almost put my head through the wall. I should have left on the spot, but I didn't. He keeps telling me he will change and that he will be a better person. He even is going to counseling. But the problem I have is that if I would go back, there were be this voice in the back of my head wondering if today is going to be the day he goes back to his old ways? I can't go on like that. It makes me feel bad since I can't just forgive and forget.

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Re: Hi ! new here, need some help 'not going back" [Re: Kai]
      #602967 - 11/23/09 01:12 PM

well as u read dont go back ,i filed divorce aug 28 have no money no job and 3 kds, but im never going beck to hell. i lost my soul once but am getting it back. i went back 2 other times and it just got worse, sure the first 6months are him saying hes tring to change and be better, its all manipulation, so i wasted 3 more yrs of my life. with these kind of men they rarly change,

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