Rudderless_Ship
newbie
Reged: 08/04/09
Posts: 32
Loc: Mississippi, USA
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I just want some opinions.
in the 6 months before my stbx decided she wanted (or just told me) a divorce, she said I was being controlling and mentally abusive.
It was because I kept asking her why she treated her friend in an internet game as more important then me and the kids and wouldnt discourage inapproriate sexual tells in the game from them like "jokes" saying they wanted to do this or that to her or she should do something sexual for them.
I would ask but never got any good answers except its just jokes and they know I am married. I even suggested things she could say and not be rude to discourage it. She said I was controlling and abusive because I would feel hurt when she did it and would ask her why or make a comment about why do you act like they are more important then us. I often felt like she was just beating me emotionally with it most of the time, not all but most. I think now it might have been something to try and justifiy her being single so she wouldnt have me asking why. I never once ordered her not do to it. Most times I just went away hurt to the room where my computer was because she didnt want my computer in the same room as her to see what tells she was getting and what she was saying to other men.
So, my question is, was I being abusive because I didnt accept that she should put other men in a game over me and the kids and not discourage sexual tells/jokes that were what I though inappropriate? I would ask her about it whenever I happened to see them when I went to talk to her in the living room and I did snoop even because she was acting secretive about what she was saying in the online game. Deleting the tells in her window whenever I walked in the room ect. I also would ask her why she was too tired to be intimate with me after staying up till midnight or one because her male friends wanted her to do group (play with upto 5 other people to do fight together) with them. Was this abusive? I suggested that we go to bed earlier if she was too tired but once again she said I was controlling.
Like I said, it felt like she was emotionally beating me even though I didnt see what was wrong with asking those questions when she kept doing those things.
She would also lose her temper and yell at me loud enough the kids would always hear while I amost never raised my voice to her in our 18 years together.
Was I abusive/controlling or was she. I dont think I was but I am always willing to listen to those who have studied/know what is mentally abusive and controlling.
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jay9niner
recently joined
Reged: 09/26/09
Posts: 8
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I dont think you were being controlling. You are responding to actions that hurt you, she can't deny you your feelings. You wanted more time with her and she was "to busy doing other things on the internet" I am leaving a relationship for the same reasons. He gets pissed that we dont have sex yet he has forgotten where the bed is so to speak and chooses to stay on the internet playing those games with his friends instead of being with me or the kids. You haven't done anything wrong. You are questioning her because she has done something to hurt you on the inside and you deserve answers. Dont let her deny you your feelings. If you are questioning in your mind if there is more going on than what you think you may want to install an invisible keylogger on your computer. You might be surprised to learn what she may be doing...I know I was
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AloneInTheDark
member
Reged: 08/04/09
Posts: 179
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Thanks, it doesnt matter though, she is gone using the "i dont love you any more" excuse when she didnt even want to get close again. Long term marriages have periods of partners not feeling close atm. I know I had my share but I let them slide and put effort in to get close again. The controlling her was THE excuse to be single from looking back.
Its amazing how clear things are looking back on them when she isnt with me making me feel like its wrong to want to have fun and do stuff with her or accept that it was okay for her male internet friends to be more inportant to her then the kids and myself. The longer she is gone (5 weeks now) the more I realize she was trying to make me divorce her so she wouldn't have to accept responsibility for breaking up the family instead of putting any effort into our marriage and making it work.
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AloneInTheDark but life goes even without being a Dad any more.
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motorboater
old hand
Reged: 03/14/08
Posts: 921
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You probably both were controlling. Which, you can call "mental abuse" if you so choose.
Really, regardless of whether her actions bug you or not, if you try to control her, you're controlling. You can excuse/rationalize it any way you want (and just about everyone does) but that's just the way it is.
If you tell her what to do, or what's wrong with her, etc. she'll call you abusive when it benefits her to do so.
So...don't do so.
Yeah, I realize this is pretty unusual and doesn't seem realistic. But its pretty much the only way to not be acused of being abusive.
If she ignores you or the family or does stuff that bothers you with friends, you can try to talk about if if you want. The only thing you can say is "When you <whatever>, I feel <whatever>."
No, not "When you <make sex jokes with your internet friends> I feel <like you're a [censored]>"
More like "When you <say you want to have sex with your internet friends> I feel unhappy. I feel better when sex talk is just between you and me."
But then leave it up to her how to respond. Never tell her what's wrong with her and what to do.
Now, most people, including her, will take advantage of you and you'll be pretty unhappy.
So then you say to her "This is unacceptable. I'm leaving"
Then you leave.
But that's pretty much the only way to save your sanity and protect yourself in a divorce without getting accused of abuse.
Hopefully, you marry someone with a conscience who responds considerately when they hear that you feel unhappy. But it's not common. Most people don't care. You're lucky if you have a spouse who cares enough to change their ways for your happiness without being told what to do by you.
Yes, this means that almost everybody is a controlling "mental abuser" at one point or another. The only reason we're not constantly accused of it is that there is little benefit to do so until a divorce is underway. Then, it becomes par for the course and everyone realizes how "abused" they were all along. It typically helps many folks justify the divorce, or at least move on after someone divorces them.
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AloneInTheDark
member
Reged: 08/04/09
Posts: 179
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I can see the sense, I changed my forum name by i was rudderless ship.
Like I said, I never told her to stop, would just ask her why she did it. Like you said, its the get out of marriage and not be guilty of destoying the family card. Even if they are the one who chose to do it.
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AloneInTheDark but life goes even without being a Dad any more.
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