20lasttime
recently joined
Reged: 10/07/09
Posts: 10
Loc: Asheville NC
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Hello All, Im Recently Seperated from my husband of One Year, yeah i know 1 year, i feel like a failure, i know i shouldnt but i do, of course being only 20 it makes me feel, i may never be happy agian because here is this huge D card hanging over my head and how can someone see me as a committed person again, even though I put my all into it.
My husband was very controling and very mean, not physically but emotionally he had me twisted up inside, when id leave the house, hed call and question my every move, when i was around friends he'd call agian asking so many questions and when i returned home, he'd yell until the wall was hit or something was broke. Of course i wasnt the type to sit back and take a yelling either, i would always snap, eventually having everything thrown back into my face, twisted up and leaving me the one broken down in a corner crying for hours like a kid!
I never stopped loving him, but i did start loosing the feeling quick, and now that we are seperated it seems even harder, at the same time relieved.
Now im focused on moving forward but certain things i do remind me of how it was before the fighting and wish to try and get it back (knowing i wont) it drives me crazy and makes me sick at myself for not trying even harder than i feel i could have! I don't know what im trying to say or even ask guess i just want an opinion from another person who may have this same thing going on!!!
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trixytang
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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Welcome.. and sorry for what you are going through. That said, this is a great group and you will find folks here who understand what you are going through. There are the old timers, like myself, and many newcomers like yourself. Some of us came out of long term marriages (mine was 30 years plus 4 years dating prior) and some out of short term.
You are not a failure and try to forget about what you called the D card. That feeling will pass. I think you should consider yourself wise, and lucky, to get out now. He has not hit you YET. As the daughter of a man who was physically abusive to Mom, and an ex who was passive-agressive... I fully believe that what is now walls being hit and things broken would step up to YOU being hit and your bones broken. There is a pattern that is common in domestic violence and your husband fits the pattern.. jealous, controlling, mean, hits and throws.
It takes a while for the feeling of.. wanting what it was when it was good ...to pass. After all, there had to be something good there at one time or you would not have fallen in love with him. I have been divorced for 4 years now and will admit to missing my EX. He was a great guy at one time, and good to me and to be with. But that man was gone from the marriage long before he physically left it.
Seems to me that it was he who should have tried harder. Hopefully he will get into some anger management classes and learn to control his anger and agression. If not, he will continue to kill relationships. This is of course all just my opinion and not meant to hurt you in any way.
Be very thankful that there are no children, for a few reasons. I think you should consider yourself lucky to get out before the DV starts, before you have children and before you invest too much of your youth with a controlling, mean, angry man.
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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20lasttime
recently joined
Reged: 10/07/09
Posts: 10
Loc: Asheville NC
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Thank You so much for your words and thoughts, i honestly think things could have been different but his anger is a huge issue not only that, his mother is a huge pain in the beep!!! His words to me that were GET OUT were actually spoken by her through him!! talk about needing to grow a pair
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trixytang
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Rainbow555
recently joined
Reged: 10/08/09
Posts: 7
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"it drives me crazy and makes me sick at myself for not trying even harder than i feel i could have! I don't know what im trying to say or even ask guess i just want an opinion from another person who may have this same thing going on!!!"
20 and VERY SMART if you ask me!
I stayed in my marriage for 25 years to an abusive man,who I grew very codependant with, and I kick myself in the BUTT daily for having not had the self esteem to GET OUT when I was 20!You really shouldn't bash yourself for being aware of what you will and won't tolerate in the name of "love".
YOU did all you could do I am sure,the problem might just have been that he couldn't be a decent husband who respected you and that would not have changed.It just get's worse!
So PAT yourself on the BACK for having the fortitude to end this sooner than later as men with anger management issues tend to get WORSE with age and without serious therapy...not better.I know all about it.
I sat alone in therapy for years trying to figure him out when all I needed to do was end it for my own sake.
The last straw came for me,at 44,when he threated to hit me in front of our 3 kids.
That was finally it for me, as verbal abuser didn't seem to sink in after years of tolerating less than I deserved.
So count your Blessings and look FORWARD to your new found freedom and potential for happiness.Any man who you meet in the future is no man at all if he judges you leaving an abusive marriage,20 or not!
Self respect is NOTHING to be ashamed of having!
OH...and it takes much more than one person "trying" to make a marriage work.So please...stop blaming yourself for something that wasn't all your fault!
Peace
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 650
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...
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
Edited by losingfaith (10/09/09 10:02 AM)
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 650
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A few questions
What did you do to address your husband’s issues and help the situation?
Not trying to get off the subject here but the words are “in sickness and in health” and a control problem is exactly that...
a sickness
Do the two of you have kids?
You pointed out that you went off with friends often...
Did you ever think of inviting him?
Did you ever consider how he felt about this?
In a nut shell…
How was the communication?
As far as feeling like you will be judged, well don’t because as it turns out most of society views marriage as simply the next steep to dating and it’s not taken seriously anyway.
So if you get divorced it’s ok
(Sarcasm)
[quote]
OH...and it takes much more than one person "trying" to make a marriage work.So please...stop blaming yourself for something that wasn't all your fault!
[/quote]
How can you say she had not fault?
Were you there?
Maybe she cheated on him early on in the relationship and that led to him having problems with her going off with her friends.
Maybe she had a problem with drugs at on point in her life and he didn’t want it to happen again.
I’m not saying that this is what happened but neither can you!
I can’t stand people that will sit and make judgments basted on assumptions.
At the very least you should say well I don’t know your whole situation or this is just an assumption.
If you don’t take the time to get the whole story then how can you offer objective advice?
You could very well be hurting a situation, more then you are helping it.
Although this statement is true on some levels again I ask the question what did the two of you do too “TRULY” address the problems.
Did you spend a year in counseling?
If he had problems did you ever make him get help?
As it turns out it takes two people to make it work; but at the same time it takes two people to make it fail also.
Nothing personal to the poster above me but if after 25 years of marriage you did nothing…
then you have on one to blame but yourself.
When you see your spouse in trouble you do something about it.
Take mine fro instance she would have you believe I controlled situations and on some levels I did, but it was with money and for good reason.
So why did I do this…
Well I repeatedly would find money missing from the account and in the amounts of 40, 60, 80, and 120
I know what your thinking well there is nothing wrong with that right?
Ask a drug user (especially a coke user) what the amounts I described means to them.
Then top that off with the fact that I know that years before she and I got together she had a bad problem with drugs.
I'm sure it wasn't only your fault but after 2 marriages I have learned that there are two sides to every story.
I'm in no way saying that he or you handled things right but considering the sate of mind you say you’re in now (ie. wondering if you did enough) then why did you decide to end it in the first place. Top that off with a few disappearing acts throughout the relationship and you have the perfect recipe for someone becoming controlling.
Many would ask why I would marry someone like that.
Why would I take a chance on someone that I knew at one point in there life was into things like that?
Well the answer is simple to say the least…
I was one at one point in my life and I mad it back because I had people that loved me
There is an old saying that should be taken into account when deciding to divorce and to get married.
If there is an ounce of doubt…
Then you’re probably doing it for the wrong reason.
Say it again with me…
If there is an ounce of doubt…
Then you’re probably doing it for the wrong reason!!!!!!
What it comes down to is marriage is not a game and it’s not the next step to dating; but that’s exactly how many view it. Because of this we have kids growing up in broken homes and that only leads to additional problems (ie. control issues, abandonment issues, drug problems, and even crimes).
We need to have a system in place that insures that people must first attend some types of classes when it comes to compatibility, and the commitment of marriage that must be completed before you can obtain a marriage license.
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
Edited by losingfaith (10/09/09 11:22 AM)
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20lasttime
recently joined
Reged: 10/07/09
Posts: 10
Loc: Asheville NC
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Ok fair enough, let me ask though who was talking about drugs?? Assumptions??
And TRULY addressing the problem with him was NO option it was my way or the highway, and when i said controlling, I MEAN CONTROLLING!!!! You may have experinced a different kind which is why u dont understand fully, and yes i invited him and he refused to go cause he was also very judgemental about my friends, and yeah i know u may say maybe he had areason to be, but really he didnt cause it was basicly my brother and close friends he always knew about to begin with!!!
Ill admit it was some my fault when i couldn't stand to fight anymore and give up, i could have talked about counselling, but he would never listen and as soon as i brought it up, fight!!!
His mother was a huge problem, rude, sneaky, clingy, she basiclly made his everymove, only child he was as well so i can understand that mommies baby, she seemed to always influence him into attacking me, awful little lady.
And my going out, it was alot but when i came home at 3 in the afternoon every other day to find a message on the phone or him calling me telling me he won't home till late night, sometimes next day, was i suppose to sit there and wait alone with no clue as to what he was doing or maybe if he was off cheating, which reminds me oh yeah he DID!!!! but loved and forgave him, never thought it would happen agian too my knowledge it hasn't.
And dont get me started on communication, i am a rational person, like to handles things maturely and never leave anything sour, or trynot to, but i ask him a simple what are u doing question and he starts screaming at me calling me [censored], and worthless, and all those names one just loves to hear, thats the communication he knew!! never ask what hes doing but tell him every move u make, and agian i would have loved therapy or meds or something but he was a hot head, smallest thing would set him off and he would refuse to get help or take help. simple as that!!!
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trixytang
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losingfaith
addict
Reged: 01/26/09
Posts: 650
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I was not accusing you of doing drugs. What he hell is that all about???
I was simply pointing out that no one knows the problem. Well besides you and him that is, and that it is wrong to say that someone wasn't apart of the problem with out knowing all of it.
I can tell you that it sounds like he had trust issues because he cheated and because of that he never forgave himself more then likely.
Sorry but it happens.
I’m not sure of this but it’s when someone does something and knows it was wrong and feels that they should not trust others based on the fact that they were too week to resist it in the first place so they assume that no one is strong enough to resist.
I’m not saying your husband didn’t have mommy issues
I’m not saying he wasn’t controlling
And I’m not saying you are on drugs
but what I’m saying is I read day after day from poster and after poster and the whole story is never revealed. And you get 50 people that will line up saying "you made the right decision" when in reality they don’t know jack about what the real story is
Sorry but that sickens me
Why?
Simply because most of us can’t look at things from an objective stand point and see things from someone else’s stand point. We like to jump to conclusions based on a one sided story
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Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud
Edited by losingfaith (10/09/09 01:42 PM)
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20lasttime
recently joined
Reged: 10/07/09
Posts: 10
Loc: Asheville NC
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please dont think im arguing cause i dont like to do that either, i realize that yes u never hear both stories and yes it is hard to answer a one sided story, it sickens you to hear it why do u read it? not being rude either i promise i think basicly why ppl do post things on hear is because they want there side to be heard they want to vent, atleast i do and if can get an opinon or advice or just someone to talk to it helps even more!!! like you, its nice to hear your opinion weather or not i agree with it ill take it. whole story is honestly we loved and we lost in a very bad way, but i told it. and the only ppl who have told me i made the right choice that matter are my family. and you are completely right about the trust issues, when a person does wrong its in there mental image the other person will do the same thing, causeing outbursts of anger for themsleves but taken out on others and thats what happened after it was too much too handle the anger got worse the evenings out got longer and we just loose who we are together, it happens damn right!!!
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trixytang
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BB1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/26/05
Posts: 8051
Loc: MD
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Control is not a sickness. It's an entitlement issue. It's an ego issue. Abusers are not mentally ill. Abuse is about control. Control is about entitlement.
I can't stand when people try to excuse abuse away by calling it an illness. I have no doubt you expressed your concerns. I have no doubt it was turned around on your to make it seem like you were the one with the problem. An abuser can get help via anger management and learning to be fair and reasonable but it's not an illness, it's a personality.
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It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
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