Shyn
recently joined
Reged: 11/01/09
Posts: 10
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[color:purple] [/color]
I have been divorced for over 6 months now and my ex-husband is so rude and abusive when he calls. Pretty much through the divorce, I managed to keep a smile on my face and then he did the unthinkable and slept and got involved with my own sister. Even though I know I did the right thing by divorcing him, that hurts me deep. He won't even see or spend time with the children (2) and is so full of himself! Our son was admitted in the hospital for a medical problem and he is just two and my ex-husband was off work for vacation. When I called and the doctor called to let him know what was going on, he would not answer his phone. He does not have voicemail. Then he called the day before he was discharged and I told him about our son on he would not see him. His response "I don't want to be at a hospital or drive around and take him to appointments!" I have let go and know I don't call him at all and if he wants to speak to them, he has to call. I spoke to an attorney and I know I can sue him for child abandonment even though he pays child support (sometimes he misses). You know when we were just seperated and there was not a child support order, he would spend time with him and since I filed for divorce, he is nastier than he has ever been. Also he does things like call me from strange numbers (which I won't answer) and he even had his aunt call me from a hospital or he called. Right now going back to court is so time consuming and draining. I like to focus on me and my children and just be positive but when he does call, the things he says are so vulgar. I hang up when it is not concerning our children but it can be draining. Any advice would be appreciated!
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BeachBabeRN
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 3030
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
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YOu cannot force someone to be a parent. Period.
Why would you sue him for abandonment? He pays his child support, mostly regularly, as per your statements. What would suing him for abandonment accomplish?
If you choose not to speak to your ex, that is your RIGHT. As long as you aren't interfering in whatever relationship he has with the children, then you're fine. If he doesn't want to spend time with your children for whatever reason, then that's HIS choice.
Let his calls go to voicemail and then decide if you need to speak to him. Start comunicating by e-mail or snail mail exclusively. There are programs out there that will tell you if he's opened the message that he isn't aware of so at least you'd have proof that he opened it and read it.
The final decision has to be yours obviously but even if you won a case for abandonment, I'm not sure what it would mean in the scheme of things.
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Shyn
recently joined
Reged: 11/01/09
Posts: 10
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I appreciate what you stated BeachBabe but I think parents need to be more accountable for bringing children in the world. Children needs more than a paycheck and if you have children, then you should now that! I am pushing for strict laws in my state against parents that do this and if they can't be parents, then they need to be in jail! You sound like you are a woman that does not have children and started having my children at 29, and I never gave advice to parents about children not having any of my own! And what it will mean by suing for abandonment is that my children will know that their mom stuck up for them. Too bad more children do not have this kind of parent! And I can't interfere with a relationship that does not exist. If he does not take the time to see his children, then me as the custodial parent have the right to discern whether he is using speaking to them as a way to harass me because if he really wanted to know how and what they are doing, he could see them. I do not have to give him a reporting of what they are doing. I refuse to do that! I am their mom, I am handling my responsibility and that is all I have to do!
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d0b0vgall2020
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 05/06/09
Posts: 1716
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" You sound like you are a woman that does not have children and started having my children at 29, and I never gave advice to parents about children not having any of my own!"
wow. just wow.
"And what it will mean by suing for abandonment is that my children will know that their mom stuck up for them."
What it will say to your children is that you had to FORCE him to be a part of their lives. Great for the self esteem. REALLY?? You think that would work?
"then me as the custodial parent have the right to discern whether he is using speaking to them as a way to harass me because if he really wanted to know how and what they are doing, he could see them. I do not have to give him a reporting of what they are doing. I refuse to do that! I am their mom, I am handling my responsibility and that is all I have to do!"
You won't give him updates on the kids but you're complaining that he's not involved? i'm confused.
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8<
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6462
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To clarify.......
Your ex doesn't bother to see you or the kids, but then when you threaten to bring legal proceedings against him, he gets nasty ?
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BeachBabeRN
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 3030
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
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Ahem....allow me to clarify.
In fact, I DO have children. I have a 20 year old and a 17 year old. I raised them as a single parent from the time that they were 3 and less than one year, respectively. I also had my first child at 29 and believe I am a great deal older than you.
I think that there are far more effective ways to show your support to your children than suing their father for abandonment. It is perhaps unfortunate, that some people do not choose to continue to be parents after they are no longer married to their children's other parent. Note that is a gender neutral statement.
Whether or not you CHOOSE to sue their father for abandonment, it sounds as if there may be a few more things that you could do in the name of cooperative coparenting -- advise him of how they're doing -- their school issues, their grades, what they're up to with their friends -- this is what you'd do in an intact family. And I'm sorry, your kids don't even GET grades or go to school yet -- at least one doesn't. How do you expect their father to get information about them when you don't provide it?
Has it occurred to you that perhaps he doesn't want to come around because of your negative attitude toward him? You surely don't have to like him or even deal with him much, but what you're proposing to do will surely drive him further away.
It is currently NOT against the law to be an uninvolved parent and indeed, this type of thing happens even in intact families. So, jail for him being an uninvolved parent? Not likely to happen in our lifetime.
Are you saying that you actually believe that speaking to your children is what he does to harass YOU? You're kidding, right? I surely understand how deep the hurt you're experiencing goes, what he did was unthinkable -- but the only people that'll get hurt here are the children.
And exactly WHAT does a two year old say on the phone to anyone? How old is your other child? I think it's expecting slightly much to have small children carry on a complete phone conversation, don't you?
I repeat -- let it go to voicemail and then decide whether you'll call him back or not. But with kids as little as yours are, I don't see what other source of information he has other than you.
You are surely NOT making it easy for him to access his children -- is that because of your OWN hurt? THAT I would completely understand. And as far as your kids **knowing that their mom stuck up for them** and sued their dad for abandonment? What are you going to do, show them the court papers when they can READ?
I suspect that you may be part of the problem here instead of part of the solution -- and please don't make assumptions about me. I am well known here to be a pretty fair minded individual. I'm sorry if you don't LIKE my opinion -- but I can't help that.
Check YOURSELF first before you point fingers at others.
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AloneInTheDark
member
Reged: 08/04/09
Posts: 179
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While your husband is a horses behind from your description of his behavior to your two year old, try and separate his relationship with the child you both had together and your anger at his behavior. Maybe someday he will wake up and realize how he is screwing up with them.
I wish I could see my kids but they are too far away and it will be years before i can pay off enough marriage debt to see them. I think he is an idiot but he might come around years down the road and be part of the kids life like he is able. It hurts to talk to my kids and have my 6 year old son ask me how many days before he sees me and I have to tell him its going to be a long long time because he is so far away. I can see why some men dont call or visit their kids. After all, who wants to hurt 3 days a week and hurt worse once a month when they get "visitation", the thing that criminals and dead people get from their family and can no longer be a major part of thier kids life.
So what are non custodial dads just because the family court system favors women? Criminals or dead?
Sorry, shouldnt have said that. Its not the OP fault. It sounds like her husband got what he had coming to him. Just think of whats best for your kid though, no matter how you feel about him. I know that I have issues with that too personally. In my eyes my wife has proven herself to be untrustworthy at this point and to me that means that I can't trust her to take care of the kids if somehing pops up that she "wants" since what makes her feel good ATM is the most important thing to her in the world IMO. Whats best for the kids comes second.
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AloneInTheDark but life goes even without being a Dad any more.
Edited by AloneInTheDark (11/04/09 01:52 PM)
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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I see no reason why your ex shouldn't behave badly, because the key fact is this:
No matter how badly or good a man behaves during the marriage, he gets the shaft during the divorce and afterward.
So if you are going to get shafted anyway, what is the incentive to behave well ? In fact, you feel kinda stupid if you are a good father, but then get thrown away like used paper towel during the divorce.
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Just reading your posts. Talk about the dumbing down of America. Sheesh!
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Char Fox
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amazing
member
Reged: 09/18/09
Posts: 166
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Well, if he is going to be a dink, I guess he deserves the shaft.
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