katyy1971
recently joined
Reged: 11/27/09
Posts: 5
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I hope I don't offend anyone as I would never mean to by what i'm going to say. I feel divorce of the spouse(when you were the one who did not want it) is worse than death of the spouse. With death there is sadness,shock and grief but you have closure. With divorce you have all those things to but no closure.What I mean is you have "what ifs".What if you were a better wife/mother,what if you were better at communacation,what if you lost weight I could go on and on. I feel I will always be asking questions to my self if I only did/said something different my husband would have stayed. When your spouse dies you have no control over that and you can look back and say you had a great marriage and your husband loved you till the end. When your husband leaves you I feel I will always question did I screw this up somehow? Was this my fault? Did he ever love me?
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CasperDghost
recently joined
Reged: 11/30/09
Posts: 16
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Katy:
From what I have read, the mourning process in a divorce is like that experienced when a loved one dies. You are mourning the death of your marriage. You can "what if' yourself to death but you will only drive yourself crazy.
Let me explain something from the male side of things. My wife asked the same questions that you ask. For years, she jumped through hoops trying to make me happy. She was unhappy in the marriage but I was happy. What makes a man happy is different than what makes a woman happy. I figured if I was happy, she must be happy too. How wrong I was. She figured since she was unhappy, I must be too. Lookin back on it, there was NOTHING that she could have said to change my feelings. Then she filed for divorce. WHOA!!! I am happy, she must be happy, why would she file for divorce? Well, she wasn't happy. It was like a kick in the family jewels for me. I begged, threatened, fought, yelled, cried and so on. Anything to stop the divorce. I begged her to go to counseling and she reluctantly agreed so I could "feel like I tried". Everything changed for me when I read a book. It is called "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley. I won't try to retype the book but it basically showed me that she was meeting all of my emotional needs to make me happy. It also showed me that I was MISSING all of her needs. It read like a checklist of things that I was not giving her that she needed.
With a lot of work, counseling and some ups and downs, I changed. I don't mean a little.... I changed a LOT! I am a much better person and I know how to make her happy...and saved my marriage in the process.
I am bringing this to your attention so you can see that there may have been nothing you could do. You cannot change someone, you can only change yourself. My wife tried for years to change me and she couldn't. Only when a drastic thing happened, did it open my eyes and make me want to change myself and I did!
Edited by CasperDghost (11/30/09 09:03 PM)
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pokey
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 07/16/09
Posts: 1786
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It don't offend me. I know for a fact that I would feel realy sorry for my kids but part of me would feel better that I don't have to worry about things like seeing her with someone else or having some guy raise my kids.
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I have to go to work. Too many people on welfare depend on me.
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AloneInTheDark
member
Reged: 08/04/09
Posts: 179
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Its common, we all wonder the same thing. If your spouse is like mine, then there is nothing you an do. You can change yourself but if their goal is to be free to do what the want with whoever they want of the opposite sex, then as long as that is what is important to them, there is nothing that you could have done.
They have to change too. You didnt choose for them to be unfaithful or breakup the marriage/family. They did.
It is natural though that we all try and excuse those we love by blaming ourselves. I do just as much if not more then the next person. What if I had done this or that? Is the reason she chose (YES IT WAS A CHOICE) to destroy the marriage and family because I didnt bend over backward more then I already did for her? Its so easy to blame ourselves when the person really responsible is someone we respected, loved, and did anything we could for many years to make happy and we don't want to think that they don't only care about themselves. They do and until or if they change, we are simply left to deal with the fallout and our shattered lives as best we can while we recover and realize the truth of their actions. They chose to break the vowels, we never. We are the ones that pay for it and nothing can do about that usually.
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AloneInTheDark but life goes even without being a Dad any more.
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timbuktu
journeyman
Reged: 09/26/09
Posts: 77
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I agree with you completely Katy. With death, there is a sense of closure..but with divorce..when you love someone so completely..there isn't really any sense of closure until either you get strong enough to be happy on your own...or meet someone that makes you forget about all the pain.
I bent over backwards to make things work in my 15 year marriage while he screwed around constantly...rarely communicated with me..and basically made me feel like every time I confronted him about things..it was MY fault.
The first five years were totally awesome...but he lost his business...didn't know how to deal with it..got involved with the wrong people..got involved in drugs and dealing...and the last 7 years of our marriage was living hell as I bailed him out of problem after problem.
I was a nervous wreck as some nights he'd come home...some nights he wouldn't. I spent many a sleepless night wondering IF or WHEN he was going to come home.
When he WAS home..he'd spend most of his time on the internet yapping to all his internet "hootchie mamas". He got into the "swinglife" thing and met a chick online that shared his same interests in that lifestyle and before too long..last November..while on a trip to the grocery store..he told me he wasn't "happy being married anymore" and that he was moving out...but he'd stay through the holidays until he could find an apt.
Oh yeah..I know completely what you mean about us blaming ourselves because after we came home from getting groceries he says to me, "I really didn't want to do this..but you pick fights all the time and I don't wanna fix them anymore...you're a HORRIBLE housekeeper...REFUSE to replace the filthy carpets that you could if you'd just give up the internet and cable tv (when HE was the one between us that HAD to have big time cable with all the movie channels and HE was the one on the net all the time!!)
When he finally moved out in January..I was a mess and kept asking myself how I could have done things different when I realize now that HE was the one doing things wrong and just throwing the blame in MY lap.
When we love someone..we always look for the best in them..and that's what I did when I excused him for all the things HE was doing to ruin our marriage. He didn't care about making ME happy..it was all about HIM and HIS needs and if I can quote alone in the dark...
It is natural though that we all try and excuse those we love by blaming ourselves. I do just as much if not more then the next person. What if I had done this or that? Is the reason she chose (YES IT WAS A CHOICE) to destroy the marriage and family because I didnt bend over backward more then I already did for her? Its so easy to blame ourselves when the person really responsible is someone we respected, loved, and did anything we could for many years to make happy and we don't want to think that they don't only care about themselves. They do and until or if they change, we are simply left to deal with the fallout and our shattered lives as best we can while we recover and realize the truth of their actions. They chose to break the vowels, we never. We are the ones that pay for it and nothing can do about that usually.
I agree with that completely. I've learned to somehow "forgive" myself after a bunch of counseling and finally realizing that it wasn't my fault and from there..I'm learning how to move on slowly.
However...I still tend to lose myself in any relationship I get involved in..telling me that I'm not so strong yet (and probably shouldn't date yet) since I need to concentrate more on MY needs and what's going to be healthy for me, myself, and I.
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Atlas
journeyman
Reged: 11/03/09
Posts: 80
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The "no closure" part is the hardest thing for me. It's been 18 months since my ex told me it was over and it still hurts like hell almost every day. Especially during the holidays. I don't miss her at all, but I do miss seeing my kids every day, and feeling like I'm part of a family.
What I valued the most in my life was my family, and I blame her for taking it from me. This was HER choice, not mine. And I don't think I will ever be able to forgive her for what she took from me and my children.
Despite that, we managed to get through the divorce without going broke, and I'm in love with someone else now. Things could certainly be a lot worse.
But I do wonder when the pain from mourning this loss of family will start to lessen. I hope soon, because I'm really getting fatigued from it all. I've never felt this kind of pain before in my life, and can't imagine anything could ever feel worse (outside of one of my kids dying).
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