BDM777
recently joined
Reged: 12/14/09
Posts: 2
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I always knew that my wife was not my Soul Mate or love of my life. I was in my early 20's when I had a relationship with my soul mate. She broke up with me after nearly a year. She was recently separated in her early 30's and the age difference bothered hear along with the fact I had never been married, no children, and just starting my profession. She was recently separated, had 2 kids, and 10 years in her profession. Essentially, she felt I was not at the maturity level she was.
In any case, I always knew she was the one. After the split, I tried to stay in touch always hoping to get back together but she was always with someone else. After, 5 years she remarried and I never tried to make contact again.
After 12 years I myself remarried to a nice, honest, and caring woman slightly younger than myself. I knew she was not the love of my wife but a good woman. I was 38 so if I'd ever want a family or marriage it was time to bite the bullet.
In any case, after 15 years I bumped into my EX and know she is divorced again.
What I do know for a fact: I will love my EX for the rest of my life whether she is in-it or not.
My wife can never full fill my inner needs like my EX can. I will be complacent with my wife for the rest of my life vs. happy if I were actually married to my EX. Yes I know the grass may not be greener.
I have not done anything wrong (Yet). But I can not ignore my self being. I want to be with my EX. For us to ever be together would take some work (her part).
Hard to jeopardise what I have vs. what I would like to have. My wife and I have no no children.
So do I maintain the existing complacent scenario or attempt to regain my soul mate. Understand that if it were not for my soulmate I know that would be married to my wife for the rest of my life. I just will have an empty space that only my ex can full fill.
True love last forever. Ever since I saw her again I am feeling hopeless.
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myheart
enthusiast
Reged: 05/21/09
Posts: 213
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It is a mirgae, you are chasing. Been there done that.
Soul mate, what i have learned come ot our life to teach us something, they don't really stay in our life, but partners do. Parterns are there for us in thick and thin.
Your soul mate, if she wanted you she would have made an efford to do so, she obviously not. So will you through away a wonderful marriage and punish a wonderful woman in your life with you??? That is very selfish act. And do you truly think you will be happy with your soul mate after that....
But at the same time, it will not be fair to your wife, if you are not in it 100%. It is so sad.
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d2njti
member
Reged: 03/05/08
Posts: 187
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There’s a Shakespeare sonnet like that. I think it ends with the soul mates drinking poison.
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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You are indeed fooling yourself - the grass will not be greener on the other side.
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timbuktu
journeyman
Reged: 09/26/09
Posts: 77
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It is sad indeed that you continue to stay married to someone that you're not in love with as it sounds like she treats you like a king..yet you don't appreciate that and would rather pine over your ex. It's a shame that you take your wife's sincere love for granted as it's rare these days to find someone that loves you that deeply.
I was with someone for 23 years..married to him for 15. We are in the process of a divorce which will be final in March. He left me in January for someone he'd met on the internet and along with her...he'd been fooling around on me for years.
Funny, now that we've become very good friends...I still find myself missing him for what we originally had at times but I no longer believe in soulmates, as I thought he was mine also, but it's like a pair of old shoes that you get used to wearing for a long time and the feelings for that old pair of shoes never really goes away since it was so comfortable being in them.
After 23 years with him, I still find he's my comfort zone as we shared so much together over those years. I find comfort in the fact the we still have so much to talk about (well after 23 years together..of course!!)...he's intelligent enough to be able to put a text message together that actually makes sense and talk in real life without using slang (while the last guy I dated didn't know the difference between "Hay there" and "Hey there"...he'd say, "Brett Far.." rather than "Brett Farve"..."I finally sent them papers over for work" rather than, "I finally sent THOSE papers over for work.." etc....(which has always been one of my pet peeves...texting correctly and speaking correctly..sorry..I know it's shallow..but)..after we split my ex was the first to text me on my birthday...was the first to congratulate me on my new job and brought over steaks that we cooked out on the grill to celebrate, etc.
Yes..he was my comfort zone and still is..but that doesn't mean that after 15 years together and fighting like crazy over the past 7 years that he's my soul mate. No..he's become my best friend..and I his BECAUSE of all the years we've spent together!! We finally GET each other after all these years but that doesn't mean that we'll get back together.
People split for a reason and often become the best of friends afterwards BECAUSE of all they've been through. I take it as a blessing that my ex and I can get through our divorce WITHOUT ripping each others eyes out simply because we separated for a year and all the hurt is gone. It's sad that our marriage is done and over with and even though we often talk about getting back together..it would never work...too much water under the bridge.
I wish MORE couples that can't work things out would just split for a year..get over the anger..and THEN file for divorce as I truely believe that divorces would go a lot more smoothly once the hurt and anger is gone. Too many couples file for divorce while the hurt and anger is too fresh..the divorce is final..and then the next person to come into that person's life ends up suffering the consequences of all the hurt that was never dealt with.
I didn't date for over a year and thought I'd met a wonderful guy that treated me like a queen..we could talk about anything..had soo much in common and thanked our lucky stars we'd met each other. We both thought we'd finally found our soulmate!!
However...I was his rebound girl as he'd just been divorced in August of this year..and before too long..after he'd let his guard down and started showing his true colors...he became nothing but a "Mr Negative..Mr Critical..Complain about Everything and It's all about Me" guy.
You still being in love with you ex is crazy as you have a woman that loves you dearly. I doubt very much that your ex is your soulmate..and either there is something missing in your marriage..or you're taking the fact that you have a wonderful wife that loves you dearly for granted.
I feel sorry for you..I really do. Pine for your ex all you want to..but if you leave your wife, who you believe is NOT your soulmate..I truely believe you'll regret it one day..maybe get back with your ex for a short period of time..find out that things never really DID change with her..and end up with nothing but a lot of regrets.
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BDM777
recently joined
Reged: 12/14/09
Posts: 2
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I appreciate everyone's time taken to respond. Just to be clear.
I have not seen my ex for 15 years and it's been 10 yrs since we last talked and I found out she was getting married for the 2nd time.
I have been married 1 time for less than 2 years, love my wife, do not take her for granted, and definitely know that I have a sincerely good woman who most are never lucky enough to find. We are secure and I have only one weakness.
I can not control how I feel about my ex. I actually wish I did not love her but I accept the fact that she will always have a part of my heart. I can't transfer that part of my heart to my wife just because I would like to.
Mentaly, I know the right thing to do. Emotionally, I can't control. At the end of the story, I know that me and my ex would never work out for she does not love me like I do her. If she did, she would be with me now. I pursued her many many times after the split. She has always known how I felt and if she wanted me, she would have tried to make contact with me. She had many many years to do so... but never once reached out.
As I type all this out, it really helps me work through all this. Thank God I am analytical. To me the strangest thing is now my ex is single again and I am married. Obviously it is not our destiny. This has brought me closer to my wife, but I will never tell her about my ex. As much as it pains me to say, truthfully, my ex has mostly brought me pain because I felt rejected for her not reciprocating my love. This pain is greater than anything I have ever felt in my life.
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myheart
enthusiast
Reged: 05/21/09
Posts: 213
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Human are starage creature, who don't take rejection very well, even if rejector is an abuser. She is your fantacy and your wife is your reality. You can make a concious choice to chase your fantacy or stay on the ground. Look who has chosen you.
I am sure it would have been nice, if you would have married to her and lived with her and then got divorced, becuase of some reason, at least you would have been satisfied in your current life, since your ex was out of your system.
Please don't take it to your heart, she is chasing something else all these years, and it wasn't you. I know it hurts to know. But just listen to your head. I am trying to do the same.
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Skinny
recently joined
Reged: 09/15/09
Posts: 23
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I'd like to comment here. And it's not mean spirited, but I have strong feelings about this.
If you don't love your wife the way a husband/spouse should, and haven't, give her a fighting chance to find someone she can have a loving, caring relationship with. You've stayed with your wife this long... and it took an ex to make you say "Oh, I think I should go now." Really? Were you not thinking this the entire time you've been together?
You said you don't want to jeapordize what you have. What is it that you have???? You have a selfish idea stuck in your head. You already stated that she's not your soulmate.
Let your wife go... so she can find HER soulmate. She doesn't deserve to think she's in a stable committed relationship if you're not even sure about anything that you have or want. Not fair to her. That disappoints me. Are you wanting your wife to stick around because you're just afraid of losing either way???? What gives? I say just divorce her, let her move on, and you can figure out when your ex-girlfriend doesn't want you either... that maybe one day you should count your blessings, be thankful for what you DON'T HAVE... (reason for everything) and what you DO HAVE.
Just my 2 pennies. :)
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pokey
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 07/16/09
Posts: 1786
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I think you are a very selfish person. Yea, who cares about this poor woman sitting at home thinking she is your one and only. I have ex's that I really cared about too, and they wanted me back. After I met my wife they wanted me back. But I would never do that to someone. You have no idea what kind of pain that causes.
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I have to go to work. Too many people on welfare depend on me.
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timbuktu
journeyman
Reged: 09/26/09
Posts: 77
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I agree with pokey and skinny. There is nothing worse than being married to someone, loving them like there is no tomorrow..only to wonder to yourself that they might care about someone else.
It shows and whether you think you're fooling your current wife or not..you aren't. I'm sure she cries herself to sleep at night knowing that you don't love her like she loves you..and that's a horrible feeling you'll never know about until you experience it yourself.
My ex treated me like crap for 7 years. He first got involved with a horrible woman that he had an on and off affair with for over 5 years. He was willing to put her up in an apartment..give her money to pay off bills, etc. She took him to the cleaners causing him to blow through an $8000 inheritance he'd gotten along with his $7000 401k. He would have done anything for this woman and did while the only thing she did was use him. She asked him to buy her groceries, bail her out of jail, pay all her fines, etc...and he did.
During this time, he lied to me about their relationship..lied to me about the money he was going through for her, etc....all so he could have a roof over his head. I paid all the bills while he gave nearly everything he had to her. I knew in my heart that something was going on but instead, decided to live in denial and believe all his lies because having some of him was better than none of him.
It was living hell as I'd find love letters that he'd write to her when she was in jail...letters that she'd written back to him, etc. and even though it was staring me in the face...I was too insecure with myself to kick his lousy rear end to the curb.
After she'd taken him for everything he had moneywise..she would have nothing to do with him and got a restraining order on him (yep..had it served right here at our home when he wasn't here...and I had to sign for it!!)
He told me he loved me..was very sorry for everything he did to hurt me and wanted to make our marriage work so I tried to put everything behind us yet I knew he didn't love me like he loved her. He paid little attention to me and even a hug from him was too much to ask at times. Our sex life stunk cos I knew that everytime we had sex..he was thinking about her.
Eventually he got to the point of hating her and I thought maybe just maybe we could work our marriage out. We'd finally be in a good place in our marriage and then I could tell when she reeled her ugly head again because he'd start being distant again..not coming home at night, etc.
That relationship finally came to an end as she married some rich guy. I finally thought again..that knowing that...we'd finally be able to live in peace and he was finally becoming the man I married...
Or so I thought. I was working..he wasn't...and he'd spend all day on the internet talking to his whores and meeting them on the side as I read his archives. As soon as I'd catch up with one screen name..he'd make another one. Eventually he met a woman on the internet (I'd find all sorts of ugly sleazy pictures of her on our hard drive..confronted him with them..and he just lied to me saying she was "just some woman that was chasing him and he wanted nothing to do with her..he was married.."). They obviously were spending a lot of time together as he wasn't coming home on weekends (telling me he was shooting pool tournaments..going hunting, etc.) when the writing on the wall was all there.
I knew he was starting to have feelings for this woman but again..believed all his lies and lived in denial because I didn't believe in divorce and figured eventually he'd get bored with her like he did with all the others. I figured that if I ignored it..kept peace in the home..that eventually he'd tire of it and tell her that he was going back to his wife (as in his past history..that's what he did..).
Well, last January..he finally told me that he was moving out. Made some excuse that a friend of his had asked him to move in with him..and that he just wasn't happy being married anymore. It tore me to pieces because it was all a bunch of sordid lies. He ended up moving in with her and they're now living together in California. She was willing to live with a married man as he had no intentions of ever filing for divorce since he figured..."If it doesn't work out with her....there was always his wife.."
Well, he came back to town last September and started hanging around here using his dog as an excuse to get back into my heart. I almost fell for it but there was no way I was going to ask him to move back in here irregardless how nice he was to me!! We became good friends and one time when he was here, he even told me that he still loved me and maybe we could work something out if he got his own place..we could date for a bit..and see where it went.
In the meantime, I KNOW he was still in touch with his woman in CA...and after a weekend of crying my eyes out...I finally filed for divorce in November.
BDM777....this will eventually happen to you if you don't stop playing both ends against the middle with your wife!! Irregardless how much she loves you..she'll tire of playing second fiddle and eventually either kick your rear out...or surprise you with divorce papers!!
It's your choice. Either make up your mind that you're going to concentrate on your wonderful marriage and a wife that loves you like no tomorrow (and is willing to live in denial that you're not truely in love with her)..or suffer the consequences down the road!!
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