dazednconfused1
recently joined
Reged: 12/22/09
Posts: 1
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I know iI was the reason for our pending divorce. I have replayed the last 20years of marriage in my head,also with help from my ex by throwing everything in my face daily. I keep coming up with the same answer 100% without fail my fault.She held on as long as she could. That being said,On the way home from the hospital after I had surgery we were at a stop light and she informed me she wanted a divorce and that was it she done. Now this also 10days after our 20th anniversary ,which we spent 3 days together having a great time.She blames the 20yrs as the reason which legitimate.prior to surgery about 30months ago I decided at 43 it was time to change and be the I should have been all along. I was doing everything cleaning,laundry,yard work,being affectionate,I made a huge turn around she was happy with it bragging to family and friends.In the mean time we moved into a different house.A friend she met through other friends was helping us move he is 56 short ,ugly ,smells barely understand when he talks.But he was a nice enough guy worked hard,they are friends ok.prior to moving in to the other house he is now over everyday helping her paint.Now we are all moved in,he is over every dayhelping clean the yard building shelves,landscaping everything.In the mean here I am trying to shine to prive what a grat guy I have become and I see in her that she is more appreciative to him. After being close happy with me she now distant and they start doing more and more things together.I can on i am sure you get the idea.She had what they an emotional affair. She now wants a divorce says its because what i for the last 20years and the other guy has nothing to do with it.They were dancing all the time,She looked at him like she was in love. I think she didnt want the guilt of me for someone so she used everything I did wrong for a reason to leave so she would be guilt free.She went from being nice and loving to no feelings at wants nothing to do with me and great changes in my life. She just says it was to late.Its almost 2 mos and just the other she admitted she is developing feeling and thinks it going in the direction of love. What am I supposed to do know,Here I am in love with my wife and I cant get past it,I'm angry at him for coming my house and showing no resoect,angry at her for allowing to come in like that.I feel decieved yet I cant quit textin or calling her many times a day it is almost obsessive. Most of the texting I am just sharing feelings.Which I never when we were married. but she cold and distant and doesnt care yet i dont learn and stop.Im emotional I am up and down.I m hurt and dont know how to get past it.She says I have a weak mind,I say when your in love with someone how do you control that. My question is if anything typed made sense How do I move on while still being deeply in love?Why cant I get the fact she is so done with me and pick my self be strong and let go? Someone please shed some light because I am stuck on stupid.But I guess thats why it took me 20 years to finally change.Too little too late. I want my wife back but she is long gone and its been 2 months. i dont know if I make sense its late Im tired and she beats me up everyday. If someone can sort  thru this mess and give me some guidiance I would appreciate it.
Thanks
dazednconfused 1
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CasperDghost
recently joined
Reged: 11/30/09
Posts: 16
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Dazed:
I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. I know exactly how you feel because I went through the exact same thing last summer. For years I was not meeting my wifes emotional needs. I didn't even know they existed. I figured I was happy so she must be happy, right? Wrong! What I was not giving her, my neighbor was....friendly, attention and so on. She fell for him and 45 minutes after I found out, she wanted a divorce. She spun it around in her head enough to blame me, hated me, no feelings and so on. She was in an emotional affair. The good news is you can turn things around. For years my wife tried to get me to go to counseling, read books, watch relationship videos and so on. I would have none of it. As I mentioned, I was happy so I didn't need that. Well, she was not happy and I did not understand that.
The first thing you need to do is to STOP texting her, stop pestering her and stop trying to convince her to work it out. It took me weeks before I realized how important this step is. DO NOT move out or leave the house. It is impossible to show her you can be that hubby she wants if you are not around her....makes sense, right?
You need to do three things. 1st, visit the site marriagebuilders dot com. Read the articles, read the forums, and when your done, re-read them. Pay special attention to "PLAN A". That is what you are going to be doing. 2nd, there is a book called "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley. Buy it, read it, memorize it. 3rd, a book call "If only he knew" by Gary Smalley. Get that, read it.
PLAN A - just do it. You do not mention what you are doing to her. DO not point out the good things you do....just do it. I am not going to even try to re-type a fraction of what is on marriage builders. I can tell you, as someone who was in the EXACT SAME SITUATION as you, it can work. You WILL NOT get through to your wife with rationalization, common sense, threats and so on. She is in a different place mentally and you cannot break through with brute force... learn from me and do not try.
Go read and get to work.
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Frozenintime
recently joined
Reged: 01/02/10
Posts: 14
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What if your husband has actually moved out & living with OW. He tells me he doesnt want to stay with her and still loves me, wishes we could find our way back ,but thinks so much damage has been done . I STILL LOVE HIM , cant let go bc I dont want to. But Im frozen , feel stupid and used. Dont know what to believe , so sad everyday all day. cry myself to sleep bc I miss him so much.
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JazzAndMe
recently joined
Reged: 01/10/10
Posts: 10
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I just found this site Jan 2010. I'm hoping it helps me. Frozenintime- I have been (& I still am) where you are since Aug 2009. I've heard the Exact words you mention SO many times. Everyone tells me I need to get on with my Own life, but he was my Whole life for so long. One thing I keep hearing is "you don't miss 'him', you miss who he WAS & what you HAD together." And they are right to say that.
As far as what to believe, well actions speak louder than words & if you don't believe in yourself... no one else will either. How flattering it must be for the one who left to have someone who's whole life revolves around them while they got their own thing going on every day. One thing that keeps me a fool is I've been making someone a priority who only makes me an Option.
I'm working to change this about me, because this is killing me & it makes no difference to him. He has a warm body in his life everyday & night, while I'm so lonely & sleeping in a cold empty bed with just me & my puppy Jazz. That is when I can sleep.
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The Best way to get even with an Ex is to do well WITHOUT them.
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