wolfbane
recently joined
Reged: 11/17/08
Posts: 13
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I am a male US Marine. I married a woman who is 11-12 years my senior. We've been married since July of 05. We have a joint account but she makes sure the bills are paid, but I only get money for things that I need such as gas to get to work or whenever she sends me to the store. I never have money for things that I want, yet she gets the things that she wants. She always wants me home when I'm not at work unless I'm donating plasma, and she takes the money that I make from that too. I never get together with friends from work. I've hardly seen my family since we got married. Shoot, they weren't even there for the wedding. We've only had enough sex to be able to say that the marriage was consumated. I'm miserable, I feel like I'm not worth anything. Could this be considered domestic abuse?
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BeachBabeRN
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 3029
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
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Nope -- but very definitely DID marry a control freak.
Are you absolutely certain that the bills are paid? Have you looked into your accounts to make sure of that? Have you pulled your credit report and hers to be certain of that?
I smell more here than a simple control freak. Isolation from family and friends may be the beginnings of abuse and this is dangerously close to emotional abuse but right now she is exercising the financial control you gave her -- but there isn't a man alive that would have expected what she's doing.
Check your bank accounts, loans, credit cards, credit report and anything else that may paint a not very pretty picture -- you may find nothing -- then again, you may find something.
I don't know what rank you are but it sounds like you got latched onto by someone that wanted to pretty much wanted to live on someone else's income AND control it at the same time. Word of wisdom for most young military men -- do NOT marry women that much older than yourself, there is an agenda.
And you say you have joint accounts -- go get a debit/cedit card for your own use, that's your money too and you're entitled to have access to it.
I am the mother of a Marine stationed in LeJeune -- every Marine needs a local mom -- where are you currently?
The best advice I can give you is get away NOW. The longer you stay married to her, the more money she'll get from you -- pension, support, etc. If you don't have children now, don't have any children.
How long have you been married? Does your wife work?
You are also absolutely entitled to open a new account in your name only and deposit your paychecks into that account. It may start a war but it may be well worth it.
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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I would say mental or emotional abuse, but not domestic. If you are that miserable you need to get out or make a change. She sounds like a master manipulator.
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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Redlegg
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/05/06
Posts: 26686
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She is parenting. It is time to fly the coop.
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english7
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/27/09
Posts: 3001
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I'd say definitely economic abuse and possibly emotional abuse, too. Depends on how she manipulates you into giving up your right to your own resources and time with friends.
The age difference thing can sometimes work out, but I have a feeling she would be a controlling bi tch no matter what her age.
I can understand why you feel miserable. If she won't shape up, get out from under her control before she really turns nasty, as other posters have advised. I've been through domestic abuse, and it often starts with what you've described. It almost never gets better.
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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It is disagreement regarding finances. It would not qualify as relevant for most things that are involved in a divorce.
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english7
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/27/09
Posts: 3001
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Thanks, Maury. Maybe I should have specified that it falls under the definition of one kind of domestic abuse (which is what I thought he was asking), but is not enough to matter in court. Before responding, I should have asked him exactly what he meant.
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elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
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I thought per your post last august that you had amicably agreed to divorce once your car was paid off? What happened?
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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wolfbane
recently joined
Reged: 11/17/08
Posts: 13
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We had agreed to divorce, and the plan is still in effect. However, it's too long in coming. Her car won't be paid off until Dec. this year, mine in May. She works from home selling on E-bay but business is slow, not enough coming in to call an income. If I leave her now, I fear that things could get ugly for me in the long run. And having a nasty divorce in the military is definitely not good for one's career. How [censored] would emotional/economic/domestic abuse hold up in court if she did try to make things ugly?
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elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
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My husband had the nasty divorce to end all divorces and he's just fine he has gone from an E-1 to an O-4. As long as you stay in line with the UCMJ you have nothing to worry about. To that end I would go to JAG and find out what amount of your pay must be given to your spouse prior to having divorce/separation papers.
Second step - go open a bank account and change your direct deposit there and set up an allottment through mypay to go to her from what JAG tells you. Go to the bank where your car is financed and set up an allotment for that. Have a plan for payday (when she will find this out) to have somewhere else you can stay. Maybe you can move into the barracks until this is settled? Make sure you change your mypay code and lock it so she can't go in and reset it. If you have a joint bank account - I would withdraw half and save the paperwork showing that you only took half. And take your name off the account in case she ecides to start bouncing checks. Call all of your revolving creditors and close the accounts and ask that they make a note that you are divorcing and not to reopen the account in your name.
Then take your paycheck and hire a lawyer to get the ball rolling. The most you have to lose is her percentage of your retirement - which is based on the length of your marriage. Waiting is only to her benefit.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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