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Catdemarco
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Reged: 01/14/10
Posts: 3
I am still in love with my ex
      #621918 - 01/14/10 02:09 PM

Can anyone else help me? I was married to my husband for 16 years. We divorced after many mistakes on both sides but we remained friends. However, I realized that I am still in love with him and told him so. He said he knows that I have been trying to get him back but it's too late now, that I should have tried before we divorced.
I still love and want this man and my life has been filled with tears and sadness. I know we can never be together, He talks to me about his new girlfriend and it is killing me because we should not be in this situation of dating at our age (I am 50) How can I get over him?


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BerdyB
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Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 43
Loc: California
Re: I am still in love with my ex [Re: Catdemarco]
      #621933 - 01/14/10 02:24 PM

My heart goes out to you - it truly does. I do not want my divorce and love my STBX every much. He is having an affair but refuses to admit to it (among other drama). I'm still looking to find happiness and ways to get over him but tragically, it takes time. Time is evil in this situation but absolutely a necessary evil.

My ex wants to be friends too - but since we are in the throws of our divorce, that's not possible. I'm not sure I will be able to handle it when he gets remarried so "friendship" is extremely complicated - especially when one still is in love and the other is not.

The advice given to me is to understand he doesn't love me and move on. Easier said than done - but the advice is true. Also, I think you may want to reconsider your friendship with him. I know it was my ideal in the beginning but I have quickly come to realize I will not truly get over him if I remain friends. I also realized that my wanting a friendship was my way of keeping some kind of relationship with him - which he doesn't want! I'm still in the process of letting go just like you. And at the end of the day, if you desire to love another, you want to be able to give your heart wholly - not partially (with the other parts filled by your ex).

I'm not sure if this reply is all helpful to you - but my heart does go out to you.

--------------------
"I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart" ~ Romans 9:2


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mommaof4
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Reged: 01/13/10
Posts: 7
Re: I am still in love with my ex [Re: BerdyB]
      #622045 - 01/14/10 04:06 PM

Hi, I am in a VERY similiar situation...I posted in the General divorce issues section (getting divorced after 11 years). It gives a little info.

I battle with the love i have for my stbx too. I NEVER saw the affair coming, so this totally threw me for a loop. I struggle everyday with wanting to call him and ask 'are you sure this is what you want, are you sure you don't want to try to work on this marriage before we call it quits?' But I can't bring myself to ask those questions. I truthfully won't ask, because I think I know the answers, and it will hurt EVEN more if those words come out of his mouth. I just can't take that chance. I can't expose myself anymore. I am hurting PLENTY already.

I don't know how you stop loving someone, whish my stbx could give me some pointers..lol

I miss who he was for all these years, and I still love THAT man, but I don't miss who he is now, and I don't love who he is now. So, I guess the person I want back, and the person I love so much...doesn't exist. That keeps me from calling him too.

But it hurts pretty bad, especially when he is so happy with the other woman. I think that makes the sting a bit more stronger, then if we were just getting divorced for other reasons.

I don't know if I've helped you, but just reading that you are feeling some of the same things I am, has helped me.

Good luck

S


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Catdemarco
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Reged: 01/14/10
Posts: 3
Re: I am still in love with my ex [Re: BerdyB]
      #622048 - 01/14/10 04:09 PM

Thank you, The friendship was his idea and I agreed because we moved 1000 miles away from home. I have no desire to return home ( a lot of reasons ) so I am here with NO friends to talk to except the ex. My life has disintegrated in front of my eyes and I can't get over it.

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mommaof4
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Reged: 01/13/10
Posts: 7
Re: I am still in love with my ex [Re: Catdemarco]
      #622053 - 01/14/10 04:19 PM

Can you join a church group? We had recently moved in August, so other than my job, I had no one here either. In the last 6 weeks, I have joined a church and go regularly with the kids. The even have gatherings during the week, or night services. Its a great way to meet new people, and make some friends. The first day I went, I was a MESS. Came in and knelt down to pray. I think I stayed that way for over an hour...when I sat up, a woman put her arms around me (surprised me!). But it was just what I needed. Now I talk to her a few times a week, and meet with her at church.

This will be my first weekend without the kids, so I am struggling too, as to what I should do, where i should go, how am i going to survive without my kids?! BUT, after all these awful things our exs have put us thru, and made us feel, WE need time to figure out who WE are again. I have to work on me for a long time before I can get over anything. Maybe that could help you....focus on YOU for now, and not him.

I hope I'm helping...I'm still in a very bad emotional/angry place too. I have highs and lows, good days bad days...and sometimes i am in NO control over which it will be LOL

Don't feel bad about feeling bad, it's part of the process!

S


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pokey
Pooh-Bah
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Reged: 07/16/09
Posts: 1786
Re: I am still in love with my ex [Re: mommaof4]
      #622122 - 01/14/10 06:03 PM

My ex wants to be friends too - but since we are in the throws of our divorce, that's not possible. I'm not sure I will be able to handle it when he gets remarried so "friendship" is extremely complicated - especially when one still is in love and the other is not.


My ex tried the I want to still be friends with you crap too. I told her I've got too many friends right now and really don't need anymore. It's funny how the ones that want the divorce and want to move on with someone else want to be friends. Screw that. I'm not even friends with someone sho did a lot less damage to me. If you want friends join the Y

--------------------
I have to go to work. Too many people on welfare depend on me.


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BerdyB
newbie


Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 43
Loc: California
Re: I am still in love with my ex [Re: pokey]
      #622132 - 01/14/10 06:18 PM

Sometimes I think it's a way to make themselves feel better about destroying the life you thought you had...

--------------------
"I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart" ~ Romans 9:2


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myheart
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Reged: 05/21/09
Posts: 213
Re: I am still in love with my ex [Re: BerdyB]
      #622175 - 01/14/10 08:30 PM

Mine did same thing, "lets part peacefully and lets be freind, but it will all depend on if we can resolve som of the issues we have", I said, resolving issues is for keeping the marriage, not ending it. So he wanted to move, but wanted to resolve things to be friend with me????, It is kind of pretty self centered right. I think being friend is only for their benefit, because they don't want problem during divorce, and want a easy way out. If you are friend, and you already love the guy, how can you do anything, which may disadvantage to him, even if it means huting yourself. It is all about manipulation.

I said no, no freindship, divorce is painful and is there, because we were stopped being each other's friends, so talking about that is meaningless.


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mommaof4
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Reged: 01/13/10
Posts: 7
Re: I am still in love with my ex [Re: myheart]
      #622204 - 01/14/10 09:32 PM

Totally agree with ALL of you!!! My stbx said 'we need to work on communicating so we EASE into an amicable divorce'. WHAT?! I said divorce is what it is, it's not fun, and if there was a problem with communication before, its NOT going to be fixed because we're getting divorced!!! I don't get it...I agree with the above poster...maybe it's a way to make themselves feel less guilty about what they've done. IDK

S


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Atlas
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Reged: 11/03/09
Posts: 80
Re: I am still in love with my ex [Re: mommaof4]
      #622600 - 01/15/10 12:49 PM

Just like ending relationships before marriage, a clean break is the healthiest way. At least until the pain/heartache/anger lessens.

There are days when I'm convinced I will never forgive my ex for breaking up my family. And that alone tells me that no personal relationship is possible right now. Communication is limited to kids-related topics only.

I'm not a "halvsies" kind of guy. You don't want to be married to me anymore? Fine. Then we don't need to be friends, either. I've got more than my share already. And they deserve my time and attention way more than you do.


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