BerdyB
newbie
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 43
Loc: California
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I am in the EARLY part of the divorce process. Married 12 years to my high school sweetheart (18+ years together). My self-esteem has hit ROCK BOTTOM. (details can be found in the post for "Long-Timers")
I KNOW I'm not ready to date. Certainly not ready to engage in any kind of sexual activity. I've never been that kind of woman who gives herself up easily (only two men in my entire lifetime). But I find myself wanting to fill up my self-esteem with dating - not even dating - I just want to go out to the world and feel like I'm desirable again. Flirt - be flirted with - have a nice platonic meal with the opposite sex, etc.
These feelings make me totally understand why women (and probably men) become promiscuous during this horrible time in their lives. I would never act on it; I know I have so much healing to do and any relationships formed right now would be completely superficial.
I guess what I'm looking for in this post is to find out if these feelings are normal? Because I feel like a freak!
Boy oh boy - I can't wait for my Divorce Care classes to start so I can also have an in-person community to help me feel like I'm not alone in my thoughts feelings. This forum has already been so helpful - I can only imagine what the support group is going to be like! :)
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"I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart" ~ Romans 9:2
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pokey
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 07/16/09
Posts: 1786
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For me after my first divorce. It took me a long time to be with someone else. But once I got started and my self-esteem went up I went crazy. There wasn't a woman safe. Then I met my second ex, now I'm in the same boat again. It's been about 8 months and I havn't even thought about being with anyone else. I just spend a lot of time with my kids.
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I have to go to work. Too many people on welfare depend on me.
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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Well your approach seems very healthy. In the divorce care they talk about rebound, relationships that we can jump into right around the divorce that make us feel good and usually dont last
When my X left after our LTM I stayed alone for 5 yrs. I had our youngest son at home so concentrated on him, me and healing. I didn't want to subject him to me dating because he was struggling with the divorce and I wasn't ready.
However one day I was and out I went. You are young enough to be able to go out and flirt and have fun..so when the time is right you will. the support group i was in did alot of things as a group with no emphasis on dating, although some did date...whatever you feel you should do, just do.
I went out on a few dates and then a date on a whim turned out to meet a really nice guy so you never know.
Just keep all your options open.
Eventually the X will not fill up your thoughts so much. Its hard in the beginning, hard to let go of a life but it can be done.
Just do what you want to do, one of the best things about being single is that you can do what you want and we all discover new things about ourselves which is very exciting.
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VanajaGhose
newbie
Reged: 11/14/09
Posts: 40
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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I know I say this over and over again - please don't date for at least one year AFTER DIVORCE. You are just too vulnerable before that - too many things to settle, too much turmoil in more ways than one.
Having said that, there is no reason why you can't just go out and enjoy yourself. There are many singles' groups with many activites - choose an all women one, or both sexes. Point is not to deprive yourself from going out and having fun. Flirt, by all means. Dance your heart out. Go for coffee if someone asks you out - BUT let it be just that, and let the other person know so they are clear about it.
Good luck.
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Vanaja Ghose
Professional Life Coach
DivorcedToDazzling.com
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Cayenne
recently joined
Reged: 02/06/10
Posts: 1
Loc: Minneapolis Suburbs
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You are not a freak. I have the same feelings. I want to get out and replace the relationship I had with my ex. But at the same time I have no real desire for a relationship. To be validated that I am still desirable is something I struggle with also.
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applefan
recently joined
Reged: 02/21/10
Posts: 2
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hi BerdyB. I think you should just go out with your girlfriends and have a nice night in a club. You don't need to give out your # to guys, just enjoy the attention you will surely get.
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