BerdyB
newbie
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 43
Loc: California
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So, I saw there is a specific forum for name changes but it's dead empty - so I'd like to post here with those who have been through a divorce and have had my experience.
My STBX and I are on good terms. The agreement we have for custody is basically 80/20 - he has Monday/Wednesday evenings for 4 hours each evening and every other weekend (Fri-Sun).
Before the men bash me here - this was HIS schedule that HE wanted. I offered 50/50 but he felt overwhelmed and thought it best my six month old babies be with their Mommy more. I applaud him for being so honest with himself.
Anyhow, I digress. I know I have a long time before I really have to worry about the name thing but here's my issue: I want to share my last name with my children. My ex knows how I feel and as I see it, I had three choices:
1. Change the babies last name to my maiden name.
2. Keep my married last name and when/if it becomes a problem deal with it then.
3. Hyphenate the kids last name to include both last names.
Now, as you can imagine, my ex was NOT willing to go with changing their names to just my maiden name. He was okay with hyphenation, however, I feel that it's going to be incredibly inconvenient/confusing to the children as they grow up and it's not fair to them. So I'm left with keeping my married name. I have concerns about this. Allow me to explain.
My sister had kids out of wedlock and gave her children her boyfriends last name. They of course broke up and he married another woman. The schools, doctors and other things that are important all assumed his new wife was the mother of my sister's children because they all shared the last name. It's wreaked havoc on the relationship between all of the adults.
I will tell you that seeing my sister experience this first hand has made it worrisome about not having my children's last name. (I realize my relationship with my ex is different that her relationship with hers... but still). Also, I don't want it to become a point of contention when my ex decides to remarry.
Aside from my sister's baggage, I just feel like it's an identifier between me and my children to share the last name. I'm not sure why this is so important to me - maybe because I'm such a new Mom.
Any thoughts on this? I know I don't have to do anything now - but I'm still grappling with this quite a bit...
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"I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart" ~ Romans 9:2
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pokey
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 07/16/09
Posts: 1786
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I as a dad, would fight tooth and nail before my ex took my name away from the kids. that's just me. Say you change the kids to your maiden. ok, now what about when YOU remarry? Are the kids ging to take your new husbands name? You do want them to have the same name as you. I would run this earth into the sun before I let my kids take another mans name. Well, that's just what I think.
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I have to go to work. Too many people on welfare depend on me.
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BerdyB
newbie
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 43
Loc: California
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Yes, I realize that - and I never pushed for that option. I knew it wouldn't be something he'd do. Even though he wanted the divorce, I'm not wanting/willing to add salt to the wound to have the children take my maiden name. Hypothetically speaking, if he did in fact agree, if I remarry, the name wouldn't change. But that's a non-issue since that is not the road I'm taking. And I would NEVER have my children take another man's name either. They have a dad.
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"I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart" ~ Romans 9:2
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rocketgirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
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I think it is because you are a new mom.. it is really no big deal by the time they start school... and sad, but true.. you will find kids with intact families and the same names are a minority in most schools.
If you remarried, you wouldn't have the same name as they would anyway, unless you are not going to take a new husband's last name.
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Lisa
Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.
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1004SRS
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
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Why don't you hyphenate your name? Maiden-Married.
Your kids are little. You could change their middle names to your maiden name.
I changed my name back to my maiden name. My kids have their Dad's name. It hasn't caused any problems for me at all.
I am very involved at the kids school. THey know we are divorced. They call me Ms. Maiden. Our household is called Married - Maiden on school forms, so they know who to bill.
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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My children were school aged when I divorced. I immediately went back to my maiden name but the kids kept their father's name. We also had a move at that time to a different state and schools.
In all that, there was never a problem with who-was-who. I moved back to the area I grew up in and had several brothers living here with their families. Their children had the same last name as me and my children didn't. No biggie. As 1040SR said, it's all how you set the info up with the school and drs.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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I kept my married name, much for the same reason you are considering, so I'd have the same name as my kids. It hasn't caused any problems even though my x has remarried. (We're weird though, his wife and I have become close friends since their marriage.)
A little over 2 years ago I had another child. Her father and I weren't together by the time she was born and I was really unsure what to do about her last name. He hadn't spoken to me since I told hi mI was pregnant so I didn't really think he's want me to give her his name and I really don't like my maiden name. My kids asked me what her last name was going to be and I had to tell them I was at a loss since the name I have isn't really mine to give her. Without my knowledge my oldest daughter wrote a very heartfelt letter to their dad asking him if their baby sister could have their last name when she was born because they wanted her to always know she is a part of them. I cried when he read it to me and again when he told me that it wouldn't bother him if she had the same last name as all of us. So that is the name I gave her. Her father did come into her life shortly after she was born and we are planning to change her name to his, but I will never forget what my kids and xh did for my sweet little girl.
I say you do what makes you most comfortable and don't worry about what others think. I don';t think it will be confusing to the kids to hyphenate their name. I know married people who have done that when the wife didn't take her husbands name for professional reasons. It's not that big a deal these days.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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myheart
enthusiast
Reged: 05/21/09
Posts: 213
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Well my kids have both names, my maiden name and their father name. I changed my last n ame after divorce, which really didn't disturb children. So it worked in my case.
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Empathetic
recently joined
Reged: 01/18/10
Posts: 5
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I can empathise w/ you. I took my ex's last name when we wed 15 yrs ago. Not so unusual except I was the groom, not the bride. Add to that it was her 1st hubs last name. She and her children all had the same last name and it made sense for me to also. This was her VERY strong desire, a family w/ one last name. She took his name at 20 and I did (in a roundabout way) at 30. We had children and divorced after 10 years. Ironically she remarried her ex. The upside is all kids have the same name as have their parents and step parents. All legal and social/school interactions have been fantastic with never a problem, question or awkward moment. I have had my "married name" 5 years since our divorce mostly for the children's sakes. But for 15 yrs now, it is who I am. I do feel bad for my dad at times and have experienced more than my share of humiliation, but it shows how far behind the rest of the world we are. Oh the stories I could tell. From my experience there is much in one's name.
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BerdyB
newbie
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 43
Loc: California
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Thank you, Empathetic. I think what drives me on this is the fact that I'm attached to my family name. He is not. He was adopted by his step-father at 2 years old and HATED his step-father. So it's frustrating.
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"I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart" ~ Romans 9:2
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