Start Your Divorce Today - Premium Divorce Online

Divorce Source Community Forums >> Infidelity

Jump to first unread post. Pages: 1

Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 43
Loc: California
Should I push the issue? *long post*
      #623329 - 01/17/10 10:46 AM

I feel like every time I start one of these posts that I have to give a little background for those who may not have read my other posts... so forgive me if it's redundant.

I've been married for 12 years, (together 18). My STBX asked for a divorce 6 weeks after our twins were born. I was under the assumption the marriage was in perfect condition (otherwise I wouldn't have gone through fertility and got pregnant). So the word "divorce" was a complete shock to me. He was VERY good at blaming me and taking no responsibility for his own actions. Some of his reasons were: I gained too much weight, became unattractive, was no longer any fun, didn't listen to him, spent too much time working on my degree and neglecting him... the list went on but those were the "biggies". I can sit here and explain our life circumstances to show that these reasons just didn't make sense - but this post would end up being a book...

Anyhow, nothing made sense. These issues had never come up before (for the exception of my weight which he claimed he was worried about my health). For the most part, however, what he was saying didn't connect. So I began to investigate.

Three years ago, his brother passed away at a young age and my husband dumped himself into working out. He ended up having a very nice physique that he'd never had before in the 18+ years I've known him. He started to get a lot of attention. We are young (in our early 30's) and he's a high school teacher. Of course, the rumor mill started that he's having an affair with this teacher or that teacher. It's high school rumors and if I believed each one, my STBX would have slept with most of the female staff at his high school. He told me about each rumor and we both scoffed at how ridiculous it was.

Well, last school year, a rumor with a particular teacher kind of stuck and I started to get nervous. I chopped it up to my nerves and hormones due to pregnancy. He told me about the rumors in June and I had my babies in July. So when he asked for a divorce, and with nothing else making sense, I decided to dig deeper.

I found 6000+ text messages exchanged between the two of them in one month - I can go back as far as April of last year and the volume was like that each month. All between the two of them. My STBX always spent lots of time on his phone texting so I NEVER assumed it would all be to one woman. When I asked who he was messaging - it was always a different person, different topic. He (to that point and to my knowledge) had never lied to me, never cheated so I continued to trust.

I even called the woman and she was adamant that they weren't having an affair - however neither one of them could explain what they had to talk about. It was always "work" but the texting went on through the Summer when work was out.

The new school year started and he had already asked for a divorce when his co-workers all started to question him as well. His co-workers were also our friends and they all were trying to protect me. As a result, they began hounding him (and her) to the point where it got to the principal of the school. Now, relationships between teachers aren't against the rules unless it is on campus. So he was in the clear but his professional reputation is now getting tarnished and he (and she) have more reason to hide the affair.

He moved out in October to his own apartment. He made it VERY CLEAR that I'm not to drive by, come without notice, or any other unexpected behaviors. I figure, he asked for divorce - he's not "mine" anymore and I shouldn't do those things anyway. Since then, he's spotted around town with her, spends all of his free time with her (and her three children) but nobody has actually seen any kind of romantic behaviors. They are very careful.

I'm not dumb. I'm 99% positive that the affair is happening and he's trying to protect her and himself. Since I have no actual, visual proof, however, I feel that it's still an unresolved issue. I just wish he'd admit it.

My worst fear is that once our divorce is final and they've both transferred schools to alleviate the scrutiny they've been receiving that he's going to announce that "We are dating now" and try to pull it off as if it started after the divorce. It's going to re-open a wound that's already so incredibly deep and painful.

Should I continue to confront him to try to get him to admit what he's doing? I'm at a loss on what to do.

"I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart" ~ Romans 9:2

Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
recently joined

Reged: 01/18/10
Posts: 10
Re: Should I push the issue? *long post* [Re: BerdyB]
      #623976 - 01/18/10 09:43 PM

Seriously? What's the point?

You want to know if they're in a relationship? They are. So what?

I mean, seriously. You know this. What is "pushing the issue" going to prove? What is "pushing the issue" going to do for you?

It sounds like it's time for you to move along smartly.

Get your own life. Stop worrying about his.

Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
recently joined

Reged: 01/02/10
Posts: 14
Re: Should I push the issue? *long post* [Re: seriously]
      #625874 - 01/24/10 08:28 AM

I understand your pain, it sounds so cut and dry easy ,but Believe me its not!@ "YOU " havent had closure and it may mean you have to dig into things that will really hurt you , almost like self destructive.. and just let it hit you in the face. Im sure they are getting very sloppy in their hiding things by now.. afterall you are separated , so HE and SHE feel like they are doing anything wrong,, but they are you are still his wife! When you dont have the kids DROP OVER THERE, Go places they might be, force yourself to see them together, it will hurt but in the long run it will not only make you strong enough to let go. bc no more will you let yourself think "maybe its not what it looks like? It will also make him be CAUGHT in your eyes,, why should he get the coward way out.. hiding like a little mischeivous boy, this is seriously wrong to you and he should have to man up and look at you and the look on your face when you see what kind of man he really is,, he will not forget it..

Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  

Reged: 07/16/09
Posts: 1786
Re: Should I push the issue? *long post* [Re: Frozenintime]
      #626315 - 01/25/10 05:40 PM

I ran into my ex and her new "friend" at Wal-Mart. When she turned around and seen me, the look on her face was just beet red with shock. I was mad but I also think it helped a little bit too. While she was walking out to the car she walked about 15 to 20 feet in front of him. Me and the DD left right right before they did. While we were getting into the car they were walking out.

I have to go to work. Too many people on welfare depend on me.

Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  

Reged: 09/26/09
Posts: 77
Re: Should I push the issue? *long post* [Re: pokey]
      #659220 - 05/07/10 12:11 AM already know the truth. Once a cheat..always a cheat and the bigger deal you make of it..the less chances of him regretting later on that he cheated on you and lost you in the first place.

Chances are...once you've moved on and he no longer'll find out through the grapevine that he cheated on her also..and at that point in time you can thank your lucky stars that you kicked his rear to the curb..found someone else..and can just walk through life with a smug little grin on your face...that YOU found happiness..and he'll always have to live with his miserable self!!

Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
recently joined

Reged: 07/03/10
Posts: 4
Re: Should I push the issue? *long post* [Re: BerdyB]
      #673053 - 07/03/10 05:23 PM

Ask yourself is there is anything for you to gain by getting the proof. Will it help you in any way to know what you already suspect? If the answer is no, let it go for your own peace of mind. The best revenge is for you to move on, drop that baby weight, get into shape, mold your future for your children and yourself and be happy. One day you'll run into them, you'll look fantastic, you'll look happy, and you'll walk away with a smile on your face.

Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Pages: 1

Extra information
0 registered and 0 anonymous users are browsing this forum.


Print Topic

Forum Permissions
      You cannot start new topics
      You cannot reply to topics
      HTML is disabled
      UBBCode is disabled

Topic views: 2513

Rate this topic

Jump to

Contact Us Divorce Source Home


Resources & Tools
Start Your Divorce Online Start Your Divorce
Several Options to Get Started Today.
Divorce Tools Online Divorce Tools
Keeping it Simple to Get the Job Done.
Divorce Downloads Download Center
Instantly Download Books, Guides & Forms.
Divorce and Custody Books Discount Books
Over 100 of the Best Divorce & Custody Books.
Negotiate Online Negotiate Online
Settle your Divorce and Save.
Custody and Support Tracking Custody Scheduling
Make Sure You Document Everything.

Easily Connect With a Lawyer or Mediator
Have Divorce Professionals from Your Area Contact You!
Enter Your Zip Code: