Marla
recently joined
Reged: 02/18/10
Posts: 12
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Thank you all who posted..(two of u) for your valued opinions. There was alot more to the story, basically a turbulent relationship for two years.
I have a saying:"when a situation is killing you, get the hell out" .
Thats what I finally was READY to do after alot of back and forth.
Last night, I used my inner guidance and body signals, (basically uneasy to the point of sick) and decided to end my relationship.
It occured clearly to me, that if this man was so "in love" with me, he never would have taken a chance to make me feel uncomfortable. He claims its finances, but theres more to that end of the story.
If he wanted to stay with me, he would find a way to rent a room, elsewhere, KNOWING it would possibly sabatoge our relationship.
But, being the self centered individual that he is, he made the choice to say, "screw her, I'm doing what I want to do"
We had just had a falling out a few weeks prior where I told him "I am not the woman for you".
So, he based his feelings and decision on that and instead of talking to me about things, he got sweet revenge attitude and decided to move back with an old "friend" , an ex.
So, that is it. I posted on the "Life After Divorce" board here, about my feeling when I awoke this morning.
FREE!!! like a weight lifted off of me.
I learned alot through this experience that I will take with me forever.
1- NEVER compromise yourself. Be yourself. When something doesn't sit right, acknowledge it and confront it.
2- NEVER stay with someone in fear of being alone. Don't settle because you're afraid you'll never meet someone else.
3- Always honor who you are. If someone isn't appreciating having you in their life, get rid of them; they don't deserve you.
4- Really get to know someone before getting intimate with them. Noone deserves the pleasure of your affection that you don't know well or trust.
5- Once someone tells a pretty important lie, they will continue to lie about other things.
6- Selfish people are needy and you will end up giving more than they will give to you.
7- Follow your 'gut' feelings. Your body will protect you if you let it.
8- Words are cheap and easy. If there's no follow through, don't believe the words coming out of someones mouth.
9- YOU come first. Never put YOUR needs aside for others or you will end up resenting them.
10-Never accept less than kind, honest, and compassionate behavior toward you. There is NO excuse for any one of these things to not be in the person you are with.
Well, life goes on and I am single and free to be ME!
Better to walk alone and feel good, then to have a physical body next to you that is weighing you down.
I hope you learned what I shared in this post and can feel good about yourself. HUGS to all.
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myheart
enthusiast
Reged: 05/21/09
Posts: 213
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"Follow you gut feeling", generally our gut tells us the truth, and for many obvious reasons we don't listen to that. He lied to me many times, I cought many after marriage, but blocked my mind by saying, well now he loves me and is with me right... But I was wrong once lier will lie all the time.
I was married and many times it felt good having somebody next to you, but pretty soon, it was more a body next to me, than a friend and lover.. It is security we all need, but if a partner does everything, for us to feel not confortable and inscure, than he/she is asking for trouble..
Yes I would rather sleep alone, than wonder every night, does he love me or not, does he care for me or not. Every move made by him in the night, if made me wondered if he is coming to me or not... No I don't need that.
Well I know I rather leave with surity, than unsure world, which included him.
I love my home now, it truly represent me. I can put any picture on any wall as I please, rather getting comments from him, which finally stopped me decorating our house. And finally I am able to pay attention to children, which I wasn't before..
So though life is alone, but it is not, I have day full of activities, with children and friends and a peaceful night...
Well I truly don't have time for anything else.
Hang in there, you have been there done that. None of need anybody in our life, whether we are woman or man, who makes us feel inferior.
Best wishes...
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Marla
recently joined
Reged: 02/18/10
Posts: 12
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Thank you for your response. You are so right about the fact that when you don't listen to your instinctual feelings, you cause nothing but pain for yourself. Spriitually speaking, I feel that we hurt ourselves when "something inside", maybe our "god" is giving us a message and we don't listen.
I did do some research on my X yesterday online. I am so curious to validate my mistrust.
I found out that he actually OWNS this townhouse WITH her.
They are partners. When we were involved for three months, and he told me he SOLD the townhouse, he actually BOUGHT it from his brother WITH HER!
This is the big lie that finally got revealed.
So, he didn't "let her move back in because he owed her money", SHE decided to move back there because she OWNS it too!
I would love to tell him that I know the entire truth now.
I would love to ask him why he couldn't tell me at the time, that he was making a financial investment with his ex girlfriend! So, now it balooned and the truth was revealed, and now look where it got us. Broken up based on his lies from the start.
Do you think that I should let him know what I know, at this point.
I already told him that I can't stay in the r/s as his girlfriend..only friends.
He isn't taking that too well. He stopped calling me after I told him that I didn't want to go to the movies with him the other night and not to come to my house yesterday to help me get my car started...another friend came already.
How should I handle this? Part of me wants to let him know that I know everything now.
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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Walk away....thats the best advice I can give.
He lied about something quite big...you arent his GF anymore, I would move on and put it in another page of things to look for in relationship....lies and red flags.
Good luck
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Marla
recently joined
Reged: 02/18/10
Posts: 12
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Yes, thats what I did. I told him it was over. But, after that I found out the truth and I am dying to let him know.
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SweetLight
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 2003
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What good would it do to tell him? Do you think he will admit to his lie and say you're right? Most likely, he will deny it and you will wind up second guessing yourself.
You made the decision for this relationship to be over. Then, you got some additional information to solidify that decision further. Time to move on. Best of luck.
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Marla
recently joined
Reged: 02/18/10
Posts: 12
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Yes, you are right. I guess it would give me satisfaction to let him know that I now know the truth. He would only get defensive and justify it in his own head, that it was none of my business anyway and that he didn't mean to hurt me by telling lies.
Eventually, he will realize that his lying to me about his financial dealings with an exgirlfriend destroyed our relationship. It destroyed my trust in him.
I know I have to move forward now and realize that he is what he is, a disonest person, and that I don't ever want someone like him in my life again. The entire relationship was more painful to stay in than to get out.
Its not easy to face reality and thats what I need to do now and refocus on my own life with my kids.
I know it will take time to do this; we all need to go through the process of ending a relationship.
I went through it with my xhusband and eventually had no regrets, anger , or feeling toward him, except that he was another dishonest and evil person.
I do take full responsibility because I knew what he was all about back then, but I stayed for many other reasons, until I couldn't live with someone in my life like that another day.
So, I guess this experience was something I had to go through again, to make me grow as a person and learn to trust myself and not compromise my feelings ever again.
I will take this lesson with me and it will help me to find good people to bring into my life, insteaad of wasting precious time with people who just cause pain.
Thank you for your support.
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Marla
recently joined
Reged: 02/18/10
Posts: 12
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I've been thinking about the whole thing, and you are so right. We discussed it enough and he had plenty of chances to tell me the truth. Actually, the truth would have hurt less. If he told me that she owns half of it and wanted to move back, I would have understood. Instead, he continued to lie.
He originally planned to refinance it and pay her off, but the value went down.
I'm just curious about why people lie about things like this? He was fearful that I would get upset, and now look at the situation? Its too far gone.
So, I am going to stay on friendly terms with him and move on with my heart.
I don't need the drama that comes along with this man.
I am a single mom of teens and I am going to get into great shape and start rebuilding a nice life for myself, smarter this time. I won't miss the anxiety that being involved with a man I can't trust brought me.
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SweetLight
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 2003
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I understand you want the satisfaction of telling him you know the truth. I've been there, too. But, when you are dealing with a liar, you cannot make them see the truth. Their method of operation is to continue with lies and do whatever they can to keep them covered up. I don't think telling him is going to give you the satisfaction you desire. Most likely, it will only leave you feeling more bewildered.
If I were you, I would be glad that you found out now, rather than later. You were not married, don't share any children, don't have any finances comingled, and did not live together, right? Consider yourself very lucky. It could be a lot more complicated, painful, and costly than it is. I lost a lot in my short term marriage.
Why would you even stay on friendly terms with this man? Do you have to see him? I would want nothing to do with him at all.
Moving on with your life is the best revenge. Focus on yourself and your children. You will be better off without him. Take care and good luck.
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Marla
recently joined
Reged: 02/18/10
Posts: 12
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He called me today and texted me as if nothing happenned. He thought he could sweet talk me into getting things back.
So, I texted him ALL of my feelings and he didn't like it. I wasn't mean, I just told him that I knew of his lies and thats what destroyed our relationship. He told me that this was in the past and he got mad and said, "Goodbye, I won't contact you again." I feel better that I got it all out and told him that he just "runs" when I try to express my feelings and in the last text, I said, "I have nothing more to say except thank you for teaching me to follow my gut feeling from the start and not just believe words."
I feel relieved because I didn't really want to make believe that I could be even "friendly" with a liar. I told him that I would never let my dignity get dragged thru the mud again.
I love texting. I could never say these things to his face. He'd walk out.
I said it all, and he knows in his heart that he wronged me and lost a good woman by lying.
I learned and he learned, hopefully.
I don't know how I feel right now. Cleansed for one.
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