kjmil
recently joined
Reged: 04/18/10
Posts: 19
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Hello, I´m new to this forum, hope someone has some insights to help me.
My situation: I´m a 38 year old mom, my husband decided to move out in jan 2009 after we spent 10 years together. We had been growing apart in the last few years and I was feeling very lonely with him. Besides, he was often some sort of bully to me and the kids, which made me very insecure though I always stood up to him.
I know that I´m better off without him, and things are much better at home too, but I had a hard time last year (besides the divorce, my grandma passed away). My ex acts as if nothing bad happened, he comes to my house to visit the kids whenever he feels like it (fortunately he hasn´t much time because he works long hours and is busy with other things as well). He gets on my nerves sometimes but I try not to make much fuss about it for the childrens sake.
I´m slowly starting to rebuild my own life, to find some space of my own, do things I like, meet new people. But the problem I´m having is that I get very insecure when I´m with other people who are in a relationship. Sometimes it´s so bad I feel envious when I see them holding hands or whatever, and I feel like I´ll never ever be able to be with someone again.
Sometimes friends will make insensitive comments that make me very insecure and sad. I´ve been asked by close friends if my ex has a new girlfriend, if we´re getting back together soon (as if you would divorce for fun), if I´m getting a new partner anytime soon.
I just want to get together with friends as a distraction, but I find going out is more of a strain when I get those comments. It is so much easier to stay home all the time! I have some friends who are also divorced but they are in a different stage and have moved on or are already in a new relationship.
I´m finding it really hard to face the world and have faith in the future!
thanks for any comment
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kendle
recently joined
Reged: 06/13/08
Posts: 5
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Well it is going to take time for you to heal from the seperation and being alone but you will get stronger everyday, and everyday you should wake up and say today is a new day, Is your ex able to see your kids somewhere else like his parents house or something like that so you don't have to be around him? And yes you will always wonder what he is doing and if he has another girlfriend but if he treated you bad better her than you, if its meant to be you will get back together and maybe it will be different the next time around, but I say don't go backwards move forward maybe you can join a divorce support group, and don't get mad about seeing your friends holding hands with their mate just remember every relationship has problems. keep your head up. :D
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kjmil
recently joined
Reged: 04/18/10
Posts: 19
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Yeah I think sometimes it´s hard for me not to feel sorry for myself, and I feel like that when I´m with other people who look so happy on the outside. I also feel some pressure to get it over with and start another relationship with somebody new, it´s as if nobody wants to know if you´re hurting.
I do know that I don´t want to get back with my husband. He was kind of letting me hanging on, saying he wasn´t in love with me but at the same time not wanting to leave. I always told him that I didn´t want to be with someone who wasn´t sure about being with me, but he just stayed. He would make hurtful comments about how I look, for instance, or about anything that matters to me. So I think he´s just a very cruel person. The thing is, he appears very kind and lighthearted to others, but he becomes cruel when he´s in an intimate relationship. In the beginning he completely fooled me, though, the first years of our relationship he was very sweet and trustworthy, later on his real temper started to come out.
Anyway, I was wondering how others cope when they start to get out in the world alone again. I´m finding it hard not to feel like I´m somehow unworthy because I´m not in a relationship.
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myheart
enthusiast
Reged: 05/21/09
Posts: 213
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We live in soceity of couples. Where we go there are couples, young and old, it is very hard to see people holding hands etc... You all are worthy of everyhing and best in your life. People are not bad from heart, and you are not, good things will happen in life, just have patience, there is time for everything, be strong and learn to live a strong life on your own, when you are strong it is attractive....
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Curt551
journeyman
Reged: 03/23/10
Posts: 82
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Those first 2 years were really tough for me. Its been 5 and looking back I can't believe that much time elapsed. I think what you're going through is normal. I went through the same... feeling defeated, rejected, lost and lonely. Feeling like the odd man out when I was with couples. I felt the press for another relationship to fill the gap but could not bring myself to move in that direction because I didn't want to bring that much baggage to anyone else. I was very vulnerable though others didn't necessarily notice it as much as I did.
I am a spiritual person so prayer helped me, regrounding myself, looking realistically at what was truly mine to change. Not change to get her back but change to become a better man. Some might believe the two are the same thing, and in some ways they are, but the motivation was truly to change myself. The other issue early was euphoric recall... the tendency to begin to forget what was wrong in the relationship and remember only the good times or begin to think that if you change it would automatically increase the odds of making the relationship work. Then entertaining fantasies of getting back together and living happily ever after. It can happen but its rare from what I'm seeing.
As hard as this seems to do... give yourself time to heal. The accounting your are personally taking is a painful one but it is also necessary in order to truly see what your strengths are and what you need to change in order to be able to give your heart to someone else in the future... at least that's been my experience.
I'm still not ready to give my heart but I am ready to live again. Just being able to type that makes me smile.
Sharing your feelings here is a good thing. It helps you and it helps people like me see where we were compared to where we are now. Growth and healing is happening... one day at a time, conversation by conversation.
Sending you warm wishes and the knowledge that you are truly not alone in your feelings.
Curt
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kjmil
recently joined
Reged: 04/18/10
Posts: 19
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Thank you for your kind replies, it really means a lot to me.
I´m finding every day is very different from the other, sometimes I feel okay, then the next day I´ll be very upset and lonely. I have to make an effort to get out of the house and get involved in things I enjoy. But sometimes it works, and I´m happy. The funny thing is, at the moment I have the feeling everyone has a partner except me, but yesterday I ran into a friend who expressed the opposite view. He told me feels like he´s the only married person around, almost all his friends are divorced. So that was quite ironic actually.
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brknlg
recently joined
Reged: 07/16/10
Posts: 2
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After 35 years of marriage I divorced the sucker. The last 12 were not good, but i took my vows seriously and, being a codependent (according to my counselor) I tried to "fix' things. But it's not possible to fix an alcoholic (amongst other things)
so... now divorced 9 months I am being encouraged by my counselor and my adult children that i need to get out there and socialize. I have never been that type. I am enjoying fixing up the house I now live in. It feels safe and probably gives me an excuse not to meet new people. I am not a "people" person.
Is it wrong to just enjoy going places myself, making my own decisions about everything? There are days I just want to not talk to anyone, relationships seem so hard. On the other hand I look at the world and see "couples." Deep down I still think of myself as a loser because I'm divorced, even thought i know I am a capable adult. Something I am working on.
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