bacall
enthusiast
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 274
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Hello, all. Hope everyone is doing well.For all of you who are mothers, happy belated Mother's Day.
I have to ask a question that has been bothering me for a long time. How many of you (this is probably more for the post-divorce people who still write occasionally)have found that, after the divorce, and as the dust was settling, many "other" people and things in life were revealed to you in a way that you had not seen before?
I know life is a continuous journey and I guess (reluctantly) that our time on earth is spent trying to learn (as the Buddhists might say) "lessons." Frankly, I've learned enough of the difficult lessons. I'd like there to be some happy lessons!
What I'm trying to say is -- have any of you found that through the years you have been awakened to the fact that we're pretty much in this life alone and that like the fact that on a plane you have to put on your oxygen mask first BEFORE you can help anyone else, that you have to be your own biggest proponet first in this life?
That is a lesson that I am continually learning and it has been a really hard one -- and a disappointing one, to be honest. I am so easily hurt these days, whereas back in the days of my marriage I seemed so much stronger. It seems these days the wound that the divorce caused is one of those very stubborn scabs that just won't fully heal. And, daily, ironically, the people I love the most have the power to hurt me incredibly -- not by what they do exactly, but by what they don't do (well, maybe both).
I know this is all vague and indistinct, but I don't want to give examples -- I just wonder if any of you have found that ultimately divorce has had a profound effect on the way you view life, others, and yourself.
I just needed an avenue to say the above, and I find friends just don't understand the deepness of my feelings about life right now. I am sure it is tied into my increasing old age (!) and also the fact that I must have worn very rose-colored glasses for far too long into the "grown-up" world. Maybe that is why it took (is taking) so long to "recover" fully from the divorce.
Any comments are always appreciated! Again, hope today is a good day for everyone.
Take care, bacall
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Redlegg
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/05/06
Posts: 26804
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I just wonder if any of you have found that ultimately divorce has had a profound effect on the way you view life, others, and yourself.
I think you would be hard pressed to find anyone who would say it has not had a profound effect. Your rose colored glasses are a perspective. If you had not divorced, they would not be rose colored, they would be your life, and how you chose to live it. It is relative. You lost something in the divorce, and depending if you are on the receiving or the giving end of a divorce, it affects you differently. I think after divorce, a lifestyle change may give you the opportunity to take the time to see things differently. Who knows, maybe there are no happy endings but the ones we make for ourselves. Alone is not lonely, and different is not wrong. But how you accept them may make the difference in your own quality of life. Do you enjoy what you have, or do you feel bad about what you don't.
I think recovery is also relative. Recovery can mean to be where you were before, or it can mean comfortable where you are now, it can even mean accepting what happened, and moving forward. It does not mean any "one" thing.
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bacall
enthusiast
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 274
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Dear Redlegg,
Thanks for that knock in the head (that is why I posted here, rather than "talk" about this with anyone I know in person!). Your comment, "Do you enjoy what you have, or do you feel bad about what you don't," is always what I come back to -- and finding something new and/or different (another good word you used) to focus on.
Thanks so much for your words -- it was exactly what I needed to hear this morning!~
Bacall
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Curt551
journeyman
Reged: 03/23/10
Posts: 82
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I agree with Redlegg as far as it being difficult to find anyone who would not say that divorce has changed their life and the way they view people remarkably.
QUOTE "What I'm trying to say is -- have any of you found that through the years you have been awakened to the fact that we're pretty much in this life alone and that like the fact that on a plane you have to put on your oxygen mask first BEFORE you can help anyone else, that you have to be your own biggest proponet first in this life?"
I think this is the way its always been. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves. If someone else volunteers to be a part of taking care of us and we want that to occur, its a bonus. No one is truly 'obligated' to take care of us. Any assistance we receive is a luxury we should be grateful for. I think its often taken for granted in a marriage. Something that is provided out of love becomes something that is expected and the once gift changes to an area of critical analysis wherein both parties lose. The same circumstance can happen with kids. They are not 'required' to love us, just because we want it doesn't make it so. When they do its a gift that should not be taken for granted. They are not 'required' to take care of us... when they want to its a gift that should not be taken for granted. We may or may not express agreement with the direction they are moving in but the fact that they want to take care of us is a love gesture.
I think divorce causes us to recognize the contributions of our former partner to our lives... the good, the bad, and the ugly because we are now responsible for picking up the positive things they did (no matter the amount) and doing them ourselves. Again, we can't 'expect' others to take care of us, though we should recognize the gift when they do offer to help.
I'd like to add another perspective on loneliness... its one thing to be lonely, I don't know a person who escaped loneliness after being divorced. Its another thing to entertain loneliness... to keep it around and grow accustomed to it, to continually mourn rather than move from the position you are in. Its a trap that precipitates further loneliness because eventually no one wants to listen to it or be around it or share the depression. Taking care of someone who is in that funk is more difficult than we who are in it might imagine. Not only do some folks not understand the depth of hurt, they do not know how to tolerate that much exposure to hurt experienced at that level. So... they push us to recover more quickly, partially out of care for us and partially out of not wanting to deal with it any longer. They do not necessarily percieve our suffering as high a priority as we do.
I hate it when the mood swings in that direction because I know I'll be in the funk for at least a day... usually feeling sorry for myself and wishing for some miraculous intervention that will resolve everything haha... the affliction of a dreamer... when it passes I am eternally grateful. I entertained loneliness for nearly three years before finally beginning to crawl out of the hole I was in, a place I inadvertantly invited others to join me in. I was recently told by a friend of mine who celebrated 30 years of marriage, "man I'm glad you're not a divorce martyr, constantly reminding people of your ex." I just smiled knowing that it was not all that long ago I was there. It reminded me of the movie "Straight Talk" where Dolly P. was the host of a talk show and she said to the person, "Fore Pete's aake, come down off the cross, poor people need the wood." At some point we all have to come down off the cross or crawl out of the dungeon we built with our own two hands... a cross or a dungeon that was born out of our entertaining loneliness well beyond the need to do so.
Its a lesson that I remind myself of when I slip back into that funk. The funk will come and go unless we decide to entertain it when it arrives. It will remain as long as its welcome and its usually welcome as long as the pain connected to an ex is something we don't want to let go of because to do so would actually mean the true end of the relationship.
As I re-read this, it may come across a bit more critical than I intend if its not read understanding that if we were sitting across from one another you'd see compassion for what you're dealing with and a like soul reliving what he's dealt with.
Warm regard as always Bacall,
Curt
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Euro11
recently joined
Reged: 05/09/10
Posts: 4
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I think the comment on being alone in life really rings true for me. I realize alone doesn't necessarily mean lonely, but even with all my friends, and the end of the day, it sure feels that way for me. It is shocking going through a split (as I am now in the process of) to realize how alone I actually am. I find in a relationship we are so busy being around someone and being part of their lives that even when we are by ourselves we still feel that we have company, no matter where they might physically be. For me, this is very difficult.
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bacall
enthusiast
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 274
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Dear Curt,
To comment on your last remarks first (hmm, always doing things backwards -- could that be part of my problem?), no, I don't take your words critically at all. It is again interesting that your language mimics what I have known for a long time, but what I seem to need rather constant reminding of. It is so extraordinarily easy to fall into the trap of "oh, woe is me." Really way too easy at times. That is why I posted here today -- because I was hoping that people who know what I'm talking about -- first hand --would help me once again regain some focus.
I also liked what you said about how it (the funk) stays with us unless we actively learn ways to control it. Your sentences about letting it ruin a day -- that is also so very true. Instead of enjoying the moments that are present to us, sometimes it is far too simple to want what we can't have -and for me, I'm not talking about the marriage that was -- it was way more the false hope that I existed in for quite some time in my marriage.
Your other comments,"Not only do some folks not understand the depth of hurt, they do not know how to tolerate that much exposure to hurt experienced at that level. So... they push us to recover more quickly, partially out of care for us and partially out of not wanting to deal with it any longer. They do not necessarily percieve our suffering as high a priority as we do." That is so very true and I've been at that stage for a long time now. And, what makes it worse these days is that lately it is not me who initiates the conversation -- oddly enough, it is almost like my friends don't know what to talk to me about (my best friends are all married), so they bring up my ex-spouse or the divorce in some way, and then when I respond they want to change the subject. Strange and not very helpful, let me tell you! And, it is annoying to have people tell you how you "should be" feeling. Ultimately, I find what you said to be right on the money -- people want you to be like you were, but I don't think anymore that is possible. Divorce, like other traumatic events, over time, do change us. I am not saying that laughter vanishes or our personalities undergo a dramatic change. But, I know hope is a bit harder to hang on to -- or perhaps we clutch it closer, and disappointment is a bit harder to let go off -- and we have to have the energy to push it away.
But, you are right -- the rest of the world (and even us) keeps going on. It just sometimes seems like the "ride" is uneven and perhaps even stopped at times until we can force our minds and bodies to take hold of some new ideas.
Anyway, thanks quite a bit for your post. It was a reminder to me of much I already knew, but added some new perspectives on other matters (particularly about receiving gestures). Am going to try to be more grateful and less expectant.
Take care, bacall
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bacall
enthusiast
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 274
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Dear Euro,
Yes, what you mention is something that strikes me all the time now. As others have mentioned, when there are "two," whether you have the best marriage or the one that falls apart, there is a dialogue, at least some of the time. Left alone with your own thoughts for huge chunks of time, no matter how much you fill your life with other people, pets or things to do, makes your mind react with itself, rather than having another to discuss matters with. This can be pretty detrimental to good mental health, I firmly believe. I guess the goal is to find a balance for ourselves, in our own heads, and hearts and souls, and then go out from there. That is a much, much easier said than done philosophy, but I guess there is no plan B -- that is the only one open to us.
Thanks for your comments. I have found that it is comforting (not the misery loves company theory) to know that others understand the pain; we can't necessarily "fix" it for one another, but we can encourage each other on the way to what I hope will be better futures for all of us.
Take care, bacall
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Curt551
journeyman
Reged: 03/23/10
Posts: 82
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Hello again Bacall :),
Gosh... when they (friends and relatives) ask the questions about the ex after you've spent a great deal of time trying to move on its truly frustrating and it can precipitate the 'funk'. I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. I was tempted to ask a good friend of mine who is also single to come with me to an event just to avoid those sorts of questions but after thinking it through I realized it would just make it worse... I'd have to answer all those questions about who this new person 'really' is in my life and listen to the 'I am sooo happy you no longer are hurt over ______ " or "I'm soooo happy you're moving on."
Life after divorce is truly bizarre sometimes haha. You're a gracioius, intuitive and bright woman Bacall. Gathering those bits of joy that sprout round you will brighten your day. There will be days I'll need encouragement and I know I can come here and get that from you.
Curt
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VanajaGhose
newbie
Reged: 11/14/09
Posts: 40
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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Hi bacall,
It took me a LONG time to get over the hurt and the pain (even though I was the one to leave) - and yes, I lost many friends in the process (the true good-old friends remained).
Lessons are just that - lessons. Happy lessons are found - they don't just happen. I discovered long ago that no matter how many self help books I read (and I have tons), or how many seminars I attend, unless I apply what I read, I will remain stuck in the funk. So I started to apply what I read, and more, and it completely changed my life around.
A powerful exercise that I learned and practice with other people (I even posted it on my kitchen cabinets so that my kids would be curious and read it - rather than me saying, hey read this!)- is what's called "Victim" vs "Responsibility". In any given situation, asking the question (once you find out the true meaning of both) - am I being a "Victim" or am I coming from the place of "responsibility"? shifts your whole being.
I used to say I'm all alone - but I don't agree with that any more. I have realized that we are not really alone. I am connected through a force with everyone around me, to you and others reading this via the internet. There is an energy that connects me to others. What I do and say impacts another. If you can think of being on your own in that way, you can change many things in your life.
Of course it's natural when we first separate from another human being, we miss them, the physical closeness, the things we did together (and we usually remember only the good things - the vacations we took together, the family outings, etc. It took time, but the feeling does eventually go away (or at least becomes much less). It doesn't mean you don't need or want to be with another human being, of course you do. And eventually you will reach a stage where you will date again. And so it goes. But one baby step at a time!
Friends mean well, they just don't know how to handle your situation and what to say etc. If they are married, chances are they are feeling a little vulnerable (could it happen to me too? they might be asking).
Thank you for your mother's days wishes - hope you had a good one too.
Warm regards,
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Vanaja Ghose
Professional Life Coach
DivorcedToDazzling.com
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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I can spot women in the workplace who are screwing the boss far easier than I could before, it turns out about 40% of women in the workplace receive " extra priveleges ". I didn't care about Anna Nicole Smith before, now I hate her and all her " sisters ".
I laugh when women talk about " equality " now, whereas before it seemed to make sense. When women speak of equality what they mean is your money is their money, and their money is their money. Splitting ANYTHING 50/50 to a woman isn't equal, from a woman's POV, she is being taken advantage of in that situation. I see now that women have a humongous sense of entitlement, just getting a marriage license makes them think they should never have to actually hold a real job for the rest of their lives. I can barely stand to deal with any attractive woman, because such a high percentage of them are on the take, but they'll squeal about equality all day long, as long as its their version of equality.
I used to denigrate men who abandon their children and don't pay child support. Now I realize marriage / divorce law essentially strips a man of all his rights to the children, so why even get involved in the first place ?
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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