Twilly
recently joined
Reged: 06/01/10
Posts: 4
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I’m entering my second divorce and it seems so much harder than my first. My first marriage was over 20 years and I was on my own for 6 years after raising my son. It was tough because my 1st ex left me for another man. In the case of the second wife we were married in July of this year and by August she stopped having anything to do with me and them moved out in Feb 2010. In March she wanted to reconcile I was all for it. But since then there have been two times where she would send me an email saying that she didn’t want to try anymore. Yesterday June 1st she served me divorce papers she had prepared back in March
I wanted to do counselling but we went to one session and she refused to go back because she didn’t like what the counsellor had to say. My counsellor had met her on her own twice. Basically my counsellor has said that I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship and my friends and family have also stated that what has been going on since we got married makes it seem like she was just after my assets. That’s what the papers are seeking.
I am just finding this second divorce so emotionally hard. I feel like a loser and unlovable because no matter what I did I was always left sitting alone by myself and each time she would want reconcile I’d jump right back in.
I was wondering if anyone else has been through a second divorce and if they are finding it tougher than their first one.
I guess I’m just really hurting and no matter what people say about my second Ex I love her and wish that we could do counselling to heal our relationship but she has no interest in trying. Knowing she is trying to go after my assets in a big way I’m also curious if people feel I should fight tooth and nail. She is not interested in mediation so I have to go to a lawyer to file court documents via the legal documents that I got served yesterday. What have others done in this situation and do I say good bye and fight like hell to keep what I earned or do I continue to try and save the marriage and just delay the process as long as possible to see if she will come around again.
Thanks for listening
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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I'm sorry that you're going through this but I'm going to deal with the common sense issue rather than the emotional one right now. The only reason being I'm not in the best emotional state myself so I don't know that I can help with that at the moment.
Should you fight tooth and nail? HELL YES! She moved out 6 months after you were married. You should have the marriage annulled, forget a divorce. She thought she could marry you spend a few months with you and get something out of you. My suggestion is you each leave with what you brought in and split any assets attained between July of '09 and Feb of '10 equally. That's more thain fair. Don't you dare think that giving in to her one iota is going to make her change her mind and come back. I'm sorry to be tough about that but she isn't going to get anything going to court so don't give it to her.
I wish that I could come up with something to say about how you're feeling. I know that many others will and you'll get some great support. Normally I am one of the people who can offer it but today is just not a good day for me. I'm sorry.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Twilly
recently joined
Reged: 06/01/10
Posts: 4
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Thanks for the reality check. Funny how she stopped having anything to do with me within weeks of returnng from the honeymoon and I was left for 6 months in an emotional hell. It's like I was set up from the start it's just so hard to imagine someone would do that kind of thing.
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Atlas
journeyman
Reged: 11/03/09
Posts: 80
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Listen to your friends and family. They are able to see your situation far more objectively than you can right now.
Also, depending on what state you live in, she may be entitled to none of your assets. In Massachusetts, for example, if you are married for five years or less, it's considered a short-term marriage, which means alimony is generally not mandated and you both leave with the assets you brought into the marriage.
For what it's worth, it definitely sounds like she's playing you. Get a lawyer ASAP and protect what's rightfully yours.
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VanajaGhose
newbie
Reged: 11/14/09
Posts: 40
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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I agree with everything Debi has written.
As for whether you should try and save the marriage - I think you already know the answer to that. There is nothing to save because she has shown you more than once that it is easy for her to walk out. If you take her back, there is no question in my mind that she will do it again - because she knows she can! Couples counselling only works when both partners want it. If one goes just so they can say - yeah, I went, and its not working so now I want to go ahead with the divorce - the right intentions were never there in the first place.
And no, you are NOT a loser or unlovable. You might not have made the right choices. And you might want to take a look at your pattern in the women you choose, and your pattern of who you are BEING in the relationship itself. Recognize that until and unless you change who you are BEING, you will continue to get the same results.
And I can assure you that the painful feelings do pass - even though it may not seem like that for now when your heart probably feels like it is physically breaking.
Warm regards,
Vanaja
Ready To Complete Your Past and Move Forward Powerfully?
DivorceRecoveryBlueprint.com
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Vanaja Ghose
Professional Life Coach
DivorcedToDazzling.com
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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Well, if after the 1st divorce you even spent 5 seconds forming a relationship with ANYONE that had equal or less money than you, you deserve to lose a ton of $$...
For cryin' out loud, you must have known after the 1st marriage the whole purpose of marriage is to transfer $$ from women to men. How could you be so stupid ? After 1st divorce why even speak to any female whose income is less than yours ?
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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Twilly
recently joined
Reged: 06/01/10
Posts: 4
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Thanks for the comments folks and yrenga I get what you're saying but not everyone is evil just some but I'll listen to my family and fight like hell and just seek peace over the long term.
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Dolfinity
enthusiast
Reged: 08/19/08
Posts: 350
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Hi...
Yes, twice divorced. It's going on 3 years now since the last one. The first one was for 15 years and was like a death when it ended. The second one was short lived also, but for a variety of different reasons than yours. Looking back know, painful as it was, it was more like a bad hiccup rather than a death. One day you'll look back on this situation and just be glad it's over.
To address the emotional side, you are not a loser. Like me, it sounds like you believe in marriage and the hope of having that ever after, someone to grow old with, a soul mate to turn to. After the second divorce, I went through the same issues of feeling unlovable or like used merchandise, and sometimes still do. It's been 3 years now, and I've only been on 2 dates. I'm learning that I need to seek balance. The experience of going from one marriage, into another, and now have been single almost as long as my second marriage, has made me stronger. I have accepted that it's okay to be single, and that no, NOTHING is wrong with me. Instead of constantly looking for someone, I've decided to look at ways to bring color and joy to the lives of the people around me. And also to myself. I'm learning that I do need to take care of me. And that's what I would urge you to do.
Forgive yourself. Sometimes we invest everything we have, and we lose. You made a choice, and it didn't pan out. Don't be afraid to keep making choices. And most importantly, don't let this turn of events make you into a doormat. Stand up for what is rightfully yours. In addition to any physical assets, you need to stand up for your own personal dignity, confidence, and future. Stand strong, keep taking steps forward, and don't get bogged down in the details of "she tricked me". She did. It's unfair. It's heartbreaking. But you will get through this, and you will be okay. You are loveable. You are not broken. You will be able to enjoy life again, even if that means being single awhile. Believe in yourself. Take care of yourself. Journal. Walk. Workout. Get up everyday, brush yourself off, and keep moving forward. This will be behind you one day soon. Stay strong.
Hugs to you.
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~ Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. ~
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Twilly
recently joined
Reged: 06/01/10
Posts: 4
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Thanks Dolfinity. I really needed to hear your words. Yup I'll just keep stepping forward even if it feels like I'm slogging through mud. I'll look at it like a great cardio workout for my soul!
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livestrong
recently joined
Reged: 06/08/10
Posts: 13
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Dolfinity - you're right on! Couldn't have said it better.
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