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Lostintheworld
recently joined


Reged: 07/28/10
Posts: 1
Wife in limbo, not sure what to do....
      #678769 - 07/28/10 06:45 AM

Hey all,

Couple nights ago, my wife shocked me with a discussion about "not wanting to do this anymore". We didn't come out of an argument, but noticed she was being real distant lately, so I asked. I asked about seeing a marriage counceler, and she more or less said that she didn't, but also knew her parents/family were going to be very upset with her for not "trying".

2 years ago, we went thru this, got a bit of counceling, but then she got pregnant, and she stopped going, but I continued since I was having a hard time dealing with my own personal struggles (abandoment from my mother leaving when I was little)

Last night, my wife told me she wasn't happy, and felt that therapy wasn't going to change the way she felt. It sounds like she 2 steps out the door, but isn't going through it. I've told her that while I wasn't going to hold the door open for it, I'm certainly not standing in front of it. Its her decision, and everytime we talk, its more like she wants ME to make the decision (or give her options). I will not, since I do not want to influence her thought process. We've been married 4 years, dating for 11 and have one child.

Suggestions for me? I'm going back to therapy, because I already know this is going to be hard, but the hardest part is her keeping me in limbo and saying "she doesn't know what she wants to do"


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palmel1234
journeyman


Reged: 03/05/10
Posts: 93
Re: Wife in limbo, not sure what to do.... [Re: Lostintheworld]
      #679245 - 07/29/10 02:13 PM

If she wants you to make the decision, it sounds like she wants to leave, but doesn't want to be the "bad guy" for breaking up the marriage.
I understand not wanting to influence her, but do you want to be with someone who isn't sure they want to be with you?


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Natalie_Taylor
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Reged: 08/02/10
Posts: 4
Re: Wife in limbo, not sure what to do.... [Re: palmel1234]
      #680020 - 08/03/10 09:05 AM

I understand how she feels and I am in a similar situation. Look closely at what the reasons are for her staying and you'll have to judge if that's enough for you if it's not romantic love for you- that sounds like it's almost all gone. That's the situation for me. I don't have anyone waiting in the wings at all as my liason was an NSA affair, but it made me realize that I never felt the deep love- with all my body, mind, and soul kind of passion I SHOULD have felt with the one I chose to marry. I met my spouse at a young age and though we lived together a long time (in an apartment), I realize now at almost 40 that he was my first boyfriend and I never really dated. I stayed because I was comfortable and thought it was ideal because everyone else told me it was ideal JUST BECAUSE HE WAS NICE. Here are some things she's mulling over if she's similar to me:
-the children (kids ages are crucial too as certain ages are impacted harder than others- my parents divorced when I was 10 and it was a hard age when you're still trying to understand human relationships in general)
-economic co-dependancy- she can't make it out there on her own ; or she likes the lifestyle you give her(superficial/shallow reason)
-she cares for you as a friend, but you're like a roommate and she doesn't want to hurt you as a friend
-if you are selfish/volatile she's afraid you won't support the kids as much as you should (tied to economic reasons)
-she knows that a single mom will find it tough to find a man who will accept the kids
-she knows it will be hard to trust another man with the kids- molestation/abuse from stepdads/boyfriends is a huge under-discussed problem (a lonely mother is the most dangerous thing for a child b/c they trust men too easily w/their kids)

For the sake of an easier life that's best for the kids w/o passionate romantic feelings for her, she may be willing to stay.

I am trying to rekindle things with my spouse, but I am afraid that at best we will be back at the comfortable place again. I moarn everyday that somewhere out there there is someone I could feel PASSIONATELY for who I want to liver for to make THEM happy, who knows how to make love to a woman properly as an expression of love, not just to get off or have fun and make it dirty.

My suggestion and I've said this under the INFIDELITY forum: Find out what it is she disrespects about you (may be tied to what she disrespects about herself) and find out how SHE wants to be made love to and what her love language is and tell her yours. Is it dating she wants? Is it appreciation you want? Make LOVE to her, not just have sex.

For my spouse, sex is not an expression of love. It's something that is fun that you do with someone you love. There's a difference. We are completely incompatible b/c I want sex sensual. I want him to show me he knows what he's doing. He likes to be TOLD what to do or he won't do it. He gets off on being TOLD. That makes me feel like I'm with a teenage virgin! I have to TELL him to stroke me a certain way. If your wife had a good lover, he did things the "right" way. He possibly made her feel that passion, but he may not be husband/father material.

You will have to swallow your pride and everything YOU thought was THE WAY to have sex and find out what she wants. Go to sex counseling if you have to. But, first, address the respect issue. I first came up with 101 reasons to cheat before I did. (101 reasons why I disrespected him). Most cheating men only need 1 like "She can't keep up."- pfft! (This comment is for SADAD who is a judgemental mysoginist). Just look at craigslist SADAD- most on there are MEN and the few women on there are hookers or a few sexually deviant women while the men are normal/average men.

On the top of my list: He denies giving me chlamydia though years before I had an STD test an it was negative. He is going through depression and won't admit to it. He spent- over time- $4k for his hobby racked up in credit card debt, but often doesn't have $40 to take me out on dates. I stopped nagging and just got things done in my house myself - I considered it single mom in training. He will let the lawn go for a month. He won't clean the cars or the garage. He does 10-15 things like taxes and dishes here and there. ALL THE REST I do. He won't go back to school which his work will pay for for FREE! He doesn't address the weeds AT ALL- after 6 years of neglect they have overrun the lawn. We lived in an apartment before marriage so he had no manly responsibilities so I had no idea how lazy and irresponsible he was. He leaves things out to rot like tables, coolers, equipment. I refuse to enable him and put them away for him. I would just ask him and he'd "forget".
And the list goes one. But, HE'S A NICE GUY WHO IS HANDSOME AND ISN'T OVERWEIGHT! So, the outside world wouldn't understand why I left him if I do.

If you are a man who is ambitious and tries to bring home more income by improving his mind, who takes care of his home with pride, who is attentive to his wife's sexual preferences, who is a parent who doesn't use corporal punishment until there are welts and even a bruise (once), who has no evidence against him for cheating then NO, you DO NOT deserve to be cheated on. No, 2 wrongs don't make a right by cheating and it was the most horrible thing I ever did. But, I just couldn't see divorcing because of the reasons I listed above. I have a special needs child and if I left I will have to accept not seeing anyone seriously as quality men who will marry women WITH kids, much less SPECIAL needs kids, who aren't secretly pedophiles I think are extremely rare. I was almost victimized by one of my mom's boyfriends. It is my biggest fear for my kids. But, sex for me is an expression of love, though I tried it w/o love- this "NSA" thing. Most women are NOT cutout for that unless they have serious sexual issues. I can't date anyone just to sow wild oats and have fun- it would have to be for the purpose of finding a spouse. My odds of finding the man of my dreams who will at least treat my special needs kid kindly is 1 in a million. My child can not defend himself if he were a wolf in sheeps clothing. You see, nothing is as simple as "just get a divorce before you cheat".

Anyway, back to the OP. I hope this helps explain some of the things that might be going through your wife's mind as they go through mine everyday. Some women or more selfish than others with a princess syndrome. I know of women whos husbands made enough to keep them at home or enough to hire a maid and those women still cheat. I'm not speaking for women like that, but I do understand how they cheated just for the PASSIONATE love making reason. It's a powerful pointless drug. Oh, communicate vs. defend. I can't even talk to my spouse when he starts to say random illogical things just to attack and get off point. Really try to address issues vs point and blame though she will feel pointed at and blamed, that's okay. Stick to the issues. Best of luck.


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yngwies_guitar
journeyman


Reged: 01/11/10
Posts: 61
Re: Wife in limbo, not sure what to do.... [Re: Natalie_Taylor]
      #682548 - 08/13/10 01:07 PM

Wow. What a coward. If she really wants out she should just take action.

Lost, you will obviously need to take the controls here. If she is refusing to go to counseling then it's most likely game over. You need to do this for your own sanity. Otherwise you may find yourself spending more time with this person who really didn't want you and that will make you more depressed.

One of my girlfriend's friends sounds just like your wife. She stays in relationships longer than she wants to because she can't bring herself to break it off. Completely unfair to the other person. It irks me.

Anyway, you have to decide for yourself and gauge whether there is anything left to salvage, but if there isn't, don't wait for her to do something about it. If you do, by the time she gets around to doing it we will all be in flying cars!


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irrageder
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Reged: 01/04/12
Posts: 2
any good please to sell and buy site traffic ? [Re: yngwies_guitar]
      #774533 - 01/16/12 02:18 PM

hello there ..
it is my first post here and i hope that you will help me with it ..

any one could tell me about good please to sell and buy traffic ?

many thanks .


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