natalie12399
recently joined
Reged: 08/09/10
Posts: 2
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Hello all, I am new, first post, need to find a forum for advice, people who understand. I left a DV marriage 16 years ago, and have remarried to a wonderful man. My ex continues to cause problems and I currently have a restraining order against him.
I thought I had left it all behind me, but now that the kids are grown and there are grandchildren's birthday parties, weddings, etc. the ex is there.
The issue I am dealing with now is the children of our marriage. The oldest has started to treat me the same way her father did. Manipulation, lies, anger, instigating fights. She has sent me emails saying that she doesn't care about the abuse or the cheating that happened, that I should "get over it" and happily attend functions with him in the same room, even though she is aware of the restraining order.
So, has anyone dealt with this?
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Avaya
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/09/06
Posts: 9823
Loc: Arkansas
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What types of behavior does he still exhibit 16 years later that required you to get a restraining order?
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Eternity is too long to be wrong.
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natalie12399
recently joined
Reged: 08/09/10
Posts: 2
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calls me drunk, threatening harm to me and my husband, threatening to kill himself, threatening to take minor daughter and not bring her back, tells me he is calling the police to take minor daughter away.
He has seen her twice in the last year and it was at our other daughters home for a birthday party.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6489
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The past cheating of your ex should not be an issue or topic of conversation in current family gatherings.....neither is it your concern unless minor daughter is with him) if he chooses to kill himself.
Threats against you, current hubby, and to take your dd are major concerns. Tell your older dd the current rules are you will attend functions if he is not there.....no discussion.
She learned from a manipulator......if she doesn't care about the RO, guess she doesn't get to see you and her little sister at family functions. Yes, it stinks that you will miss some of your grandchildren's functions, but if your dd won't respect the RO, she is telling you that your concerns don't matter.
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RebeccaFein
newbie
Reged: 08/04/11
Posts: 27
Loc: Georgia, USA
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Let me offer another perspective. My parents got divorced after 35 years of marriage and my brother and I were both adults at the time. Perhaps your daughter is not trying to be nasty to you, but it just comes across that way. Maybe what she is trying to say is that this occasion whatever it may be, say child's birthday is about that child of hers and she doesn't feel the past should impact that. From that end I would agree, IF everyone can be adult about it.
By the fact that you have a RO it would seem that there is a lack of ability for your ex-husband to be an adult. Don't get into it with your daughter at all. Just explain to your daughter because of the RO if you and your ex both attend he will go to jail and ask her if that's what she'd like to have happen?
Other than that I agree with what has already been stated regarding setting boundaries. It is difficult because children, even as adults are often dragged into the middle of things. I often think the "custody" dispute gets worse when the children are adults and people divorce because there are no rules etc.
If your daughter can't respect this then don't worry about it that's her issue and you don't need to own someone else's baggage.
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You deserve to lead the fine life don't let ANYONE tell you differently!
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