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makewe
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Reged: 08/30/10
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son doesn't want to have to visit his father
      #686342 - 08/30/10 11:35 PM

Help, my son is 17 soon to be 18 and he doesn't want to have to visit his father but his father is telling him that he HAS to or else it will go against what we agreed on in court. Do I really have to force my nearly adult son to go to his father's for visitation? Also, my son is just going to be starting his junior year in high school so he will be 19 before he graduates. Does the visitation schedule continue until he graduates from high school or only until my son turns 18? Thanks for you help.

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Buckeye
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Re: son doesn't want to have to visit his father [Re: makewe]
      #686361 - 08/31/10 06:14 AM

Here is my feeling, if you are taking child support from the father, then the son should be going to see his father or you should give back the CS. I know they are viewed as two separate things but if the father isn't good enough to see, then his money isn't good enough either.

Why would you feel it is OK for a son to not see his father? What if the shoe was on the other foot and the son didn't want to see you? How would you feel?


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Tweeby
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Re: son doesn't want to have to visit his father [Re: makewe]
      #686367 - 08/31/10 06:50 AM

What is CO parenting time? Is it e/o w/e for the whole weekend?

My YSS will be 18 yo this week and is a senior in HS. My husband has had custody for the last 5 years. I swear there are days that my YSS just comes here to sleep. We have to tell him when we are going to have family time and for him to make sure he is here. He does go to his Mom's for an afternoon.

Both parents have to be flexible when it comes to older teens. Ingorning a NCP is wrong but so is expecting an older teen to keep e/o w/e totally free to spend time with the NCP.


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DeeCan
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Re: son doesn't want to have to visit his father [Re: makewe]
      #686375 - 08/31/10 08:15 AM

Yes, he does have to go see his father. Should his father be more flexible? Yes, but it appears that he isn't. So he has to do it.

As long as your state is one that recognizes 18 as an adult, then visitation becomes at the child's discretion. However, you should encourage your son to maintain a relationship with his father.


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Sherron
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Re: son doesn't want to have to visit his father [Re: DeeCan]
      #686392 - 08/31/10 09:54 AM

" Do I really have to force my nearly adult son to go to his father's for visitation? Also, my son is just going to be starting his junior year in high school so he will be 19 before he graduates."

What would you tell him if he doesn't want to go to school anymore?


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RJ1
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Re: son doesn't want to have to visit his father [Re: makewe]
      #686556 - 08/31/10 10:02 PM

Doing the right thing doesn't always feel good. The right thing is seeing his Dad. And the right thing is also his Dad becoming more flexible with his teen.

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gr8Dad
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Re: son doesn't want to have to visit his father [Re: RJ1]
      #686558 - 08/31/10 10:03 PM

Yes, but HOW flexible? I didn't read, "He doesn't want to see him this weekend." or "He doesn't want to see him every other weekend". He just flat out doesn;t want to see him.

Well, 17 is old enough for his wants not to hurt him.

--------------------
Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...


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MrsB
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Re: son doesn't want to have to visit his father [Re: Buckeye]
      #686684 - 09/01/10 07:55 AM

Here is my feeling, if you are taking child support from the father, then the son should be going to see his father or you should give back the CS. I know they are viewed as two separate things but if the father isn't good enough to see, then his money isn't good enough either.

--So if he wasn't paying CS, he shouldn't have to see his father? I disagree with both scenarios. IMO the "child" is almost an adult. While I think a relationship should be encouraged, I can't imaging forcing my 17 year old son to see his father when he doesn't want to, and would wonder the reasons why he doesn't want to.


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Sherron
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Re: son doesn't want to have to visit his father [Re: MrsB]
      #686693 - 09/01/10 08:21 AM

"While I think a relationship should be encouraged, I can't imaging forcing my 17 year old son to see his father when he doesn't want to, and would wonder the reasons why he doesn't want to."

Not too many teens want to hang out with their parents lol. Would you force a 17yr old to attend school when he doesn't want to?


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preemiemom
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Re: son doesn't want to have to visit his father [Re: Sherron]
      #686741 - 09/01/10 10:23 AM

Technically, a kid can drop out at 17 and emancipate themselves if they want, so problem solved.

Personally, at 17, I don't recall wanting to spend time with my parents. I had school, I was working, i was in activities, I had friends. All I hear is how teens are "ghosts" that NO ONE sees.

Even so, ok, presumably maybe one has family rules where there is ABSOLUTELY "family" night or whatever. So say same "rule" applies to NCP. Great. Kid may not want to go and they have to be forced to go. Great. However, I think if a kid REALLY REALLY REALLYYYYY doesn't want to go, as in, I don't have a relationsihp with other parent, I don't have, haven't had, ain't GONNA have? At some point I think that parent needs to own up to THEIR failure to establish a relationship with their child.

I totally foresee this with dd and her father. He's already indicated that he will NOT force his other child ot do visits when she has "her" life and is busy with school/activities. And I don't know, maybe his giving up 2 of his 3 nights is his way of moving towards that? HOWEVER, he has ingrained in OUR child that the OTHER child is always there/available. At FOUR, dd already does NOT want to go to dad's if the other child is NOT available. And you know what? I don't blame her one bit. Her father has failed, totally and completely, to have a relationship with HER.. JUST HER. And you know what? I'm gonna have a REALLY hard time forcing her to visit a person who hasn't taken the time or energy with her to CREATE a relationship with her. Period.

And sorry, I'm going to relate to my own father again, and to his relationship with dd. My father might as well have been an absent NCP dad.. except my parents weren't divorced. I could have been choking 5 feet from him and I doubt he'd even look up. That's basically ex. She'd be SCREAMING in his ear as a baby, he'd never wake up. He regularly blows off things she says, lies to her, etc. Doesn't spend ANY alone time with her. By her own words her time at dad's is a "playdate". Playmate ain't there? She don't wanna go.

My dad, absentee parent.. with daughter. Heavily interested in what she does. Spent an entire day with her just 3 weeks ago. After one time, he realized swapping car seats (to him) was a production. Got an email half an hour after we left, "what was that car seat? Where do I get it?" It arrived at his apartment yesterday.. and I'm going to guess? He'll maybe transport her... half dozen times a year? If that? Her father? Is still using a forward facing INFANT car seat, which physically HURTS dd's legs to sit in. She's "afraid" to complain b/c daddy will just be angry at her. **I** can't say anything b/c then I'm 'controlling'. Put forth ANY effort. ONE put what the child NEEDS first.

Sorry, if in 3 years the other child is toodles buhbye, and dd is then.. 7? And doens't wanna go? I'll be sure to remind ex of the relationship HE has built.. and I'll remind him of his ideology that when the other child bailed on hm that he would "let dd go too". She's disposable in his mind, why shouldn't he be in hers?

Relationships are a two way street..

--------------------
The best we can do is live our lives with enlightened improvisation.


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