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Reged: 10/05/10
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Please help, I'm losing it
      #695233 - 10/05/10 02:24 PM

I'm a new user from Chicago. Married for just over 7 years, and we realized about 6 months ago that we're headed for divorce. Our relationship has always been a rocky one. Things got worse when my mom passed away, and my father needed looking after. On top of that, we've spent almost $10K in home repairs (not upgrades, but structural problems and damage). We both work full-time and go to school part-time, so there's a lot of strain on both of us right now. I've been preparing to leave (he will be left with house because I cannot afford the mortgage payments on my own), and hoping that we wouldn't have to hate each other after all was said and done. A few months ago, he got a new phone, and started text messaging all the time. After a few weeks of this, I began to question him about who he was always writing to, and he played it off at first and said it was just to friends or co-workers. Then I realized he had set a [censored] on his phone. During this time, he had hired a friend's "girlfriend" to do work around the house, and at first, it appeared that she did. But I became suspicious about all the time that she was spending in our house. After all, she didn't just come by to clean/do odd jobs; he was letting her use our personal computer to apply for other jobs. He claimed he only did this to be helpful to his friend's girlfriend, but when I told him I didn't want strangers using our computer, he got defensive. A few weeks later, we got into a huge fight over this girl. Then, one morning, I guessed the [censored] correctly and unlocked his phone. I looked at the messages, and saw that he had been sending flirtatious messages to this very same girl--a girl my husband himself had told me had at least two boyfriends. She had invited him out to drink with her, but he turned her down. As I read through more of the messages, I saw some that were exchanged the day after my husband and I had gotten into that huge fight. He said bad things about me to her, and she called me crazy. I also saw that he had written bad things about me to other friends, and I just lost it. I confronted him, we fought, but ultimately, we agreed to get along until we formally divorced. He swore he wouldn't contact that girl ever again. Well, I just checked our wireless phone account, and I can see that he's exchanged at least 5 messages with this girl in the last 1.5 weeks. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm losing it. Someone please tell me what to do.

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Reged: 09/27/10
Posts: 42
Loc: US
Re: Please help, I'm losing it [Re: chicago2010]
      #695529 - 10/06/10 12:04 PM

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through right now. I know how hard it can be when you find out stuff like this. I was 3 months pregnant when I found out my husband (now ex) was cheating on me. He also denied it at first and promised me he would cut off all communication to her. I also confronted the girl too (big mistake) and she also said they were just friends but would stay away. I learned the hard way that people do what is best for them. So, personally as hard as it is, I would stop torchering yourself and not look at anymore of his messages. I would also make sure that he knows that right now that you do not want her any where near your house. As far as the home goes, protect yourself by making sure he refinances the house to take your name off of it. You are still legally responsible for the payments if you are still on the mortgage. (I'm not an attorney, but do know this from past experience).
I would personally start focusing on you and what you want. You will find that the more you confront him on these things, the more you will push him towards her. Again, I learned that the hard way. You sound like a great person and I wish you lots of luck. Just hang in there and remember as hard as it is right now....things will get better. (Again, I'm living proof)And remember you are not alone.

Pls. visit me at and pick up:
"30 Day Program to Heal Your Broken Heart"

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Carpal \'Tunnel

Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6756
Re: Please help, I'm losing it [Re: CoachKaren]
      #695905 - 10/07/10 09:15 AM

As difficult as it is, you need to stop snooping. It sounds like he has already 'checked out' of your marriage, you don't need the further hurt of all of the details.

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Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
Re: Please help, I'm losing it [Re: finz]
      #696882 - 10/12/10 10:41 AM

Quote " I'm losing it, I don't know what to do..."

You'd know what to do ASAP if you were due an alimony check, eh ? Things are not nearly as confusing then, eh ?

"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"

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