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Questforlove
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Reged: 10/13/10
Posts: 1
The next chapter in my life (getting a divorce)
      #697481 - 10/13/10 04:49 PM

Hello everyone,

I am what I consider the next chapter in my life. I was married for one year and a half. No children but one dog. =) I am 38 years old. I was with my husband for a total of 5 years and one and a half was married. As of July 2010, he told me he wanted a divorce. He told me we were too different and he fell out of love with me. Well, I was devastated. He explained that my lack of relationship with his bestfriend was hurtful. I had explained that I tried being friends with his bestfriend but everytime his friend was drunk he would curse or try to touch me inappropriately (ex. kick me on my behind or hug me too tight to feel my body) My husband stated his friend was like that with everyone and I am too sensitive. There were other issues like me forcing him to go to therapy for depression issues he had way before me. Well, he continues to go to therapy but has decided to not be married to me. This was heartbreaking. I had planned a life around this man. I cooked everyday, cleaned after him and worked full time. He said he resented me also because we had no sex life. I told him I couldn't have one with someone who continued to argue with me and not make changes. Well, I moved out two weeks ago and he has filed divorce papers this week. I am recooperating. He has been out of the house since July, when he said he wanted a divorce and just left the house. I have recently started dating. To try to defeat the lonliness and the depression. It's difficult in the dating world and I am so scared about what is going to happen with my life. I have moved into a studio with a depressed dog. I continue to work. Wow, this change in life has become so difficult to me. I wanted to have my first child by this age and its not going to happen. I am scared I won't find love, have children or be happy- ever!! I have met one guy after another with so many issues, that are worst than mine. One who was sweet but wanted me to think about a breast reduction ( he told me on our 3rd date) another who lives with his parents and told me he was looking for a girlfriend he can visit at her own apartment while he intends to live with is parents for the next 5 years. I feel so lost and so confused in my life and this point. Anyone who can share their first few months of being seperated from their spouse to feeling better please share! Thank you.


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kjmil
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Reged: 04/18/10
Posts: 19
Re: The next chapter in my life (getting a divorce) [Re: Questforlove]
      #697951 - 10/14/10 07:42 PM

Hi
I understand your reaction but I think anyone here will advice you not to start dating so soon after a separation. It will only make things harder for you if you get involved with someone else. When you lose a relationship that was so important to you, it seems pretty natural to try to replace it with a new person, but those relationships that start out of those needs hardly ever work out. So youŽll be setting yourself up for more heartbreak.

When I just separated I found it very hard not to look for the next man in my life, but it seemed like I only attracted men who were already in another relationship, married guys, men with commitment issues etc. So I just decided to forget about dating for a while and concentrate on the interests I had left behind when I was married. I discovered there were a lot of interests I had completely forgotten about because the relationship with my husband took up so much of my time and energy.

It has been almost two years now and I am not the same person I used to be, I am much happier with my life and I feel more fulfilled (though I would like to have a partner someday) and have made new social contacts. I canŽt really tell you what to do or how to do it, for me it started with sleeping a lot, I guess I was a bit depressed. But all the quiet and rest did me good, I became aware of who I was and what I really want out of life and a relationship.
Believe me, a guy who suggests a breast reduction is not what you want!

Just take care of yourself, donŽt look for someone else to do it (because no one will), and try to treat yourself with the respect and love youŽd want to receive from others.


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newlife2day
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Reged: 09/16/10
Posts: 12
Re: The next chapter in my life (getting a divorce) [Re: kjmil]
      #698203 - 10/15/10 11:20 PM

Hi Questforlove,
Sorry you are here....I am about 7 months into it...it definitely gets easier and less intense with time..time is definitely a healer and our friend in this process. You will get through it stronger and more in tune with what you want/need in a relationship.
Take care of yourself!
I recommend checking out Rebuilding when your relationship ends by Bruce Fisher. I am working through it now and it goes over a lot of the issues that we need to address and heal before we are ready for another love relationship.
Also, you can check out the forums at divorcesupport.com which seems to have a lot more activity than this forum.
There is also a realtime chat at this page...it helps to connect with people that are going through a similar situation.
[censored]://host718.123flashchat.com/divorcerecoverysuite/123flashchat.html


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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6755
Re: The next chapter in my life (getting a divorce) [Re: newlife2day]
      #698458 - 10/17/10 03:26 AM

Hi QFL,

Wow......it sounds like you've run into some real doosies !

I would take it slow and give yourself sometime to adjust to the end of this relationship; reflect on what was good about it AND what was obviously flawed.

I understand the ol' biological clock issue, but you've got to try to put that out of your mind right now.....or it's a recipe for disaster in possibly influencing another wrong choice.

Take Care


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connie60
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Reged: 08/27/10
Posts: 101
Re: The next chapter in my life (getting a divorce) [Re: finz]
      #702051 - 10/28/10 07:06 AM

Take care of yourself, this is a good time to find out who you are!!! Dont jump into dating or you may end up marrying again to soon, like i did.

I have been separated for 3 months this time and we will be getting a divorce. I am learning, who i am at 52 years old. I am finding that i like myself.

Take your time honey, dont rush into the dating game, you will only get hurt........


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