TejasDad
recently joined
Reged: 11/06/10
Posts: 5
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Preparing to file for divorce in TX. Wife has a few ailments, but nothing that prevents her from working. She simply has never wanted to work unless it's something "fun" for her. Now she has filed for SSD (social security disability), which I believe is fraudulent. I can't imagine she'd ever get approved, but stranger things have happened. We don't have the money for lawyers because she's run up our credit cards to the max, so we'd probably have to go pro se. We have two children. She has been a SAHM for over a decade. I have a pretty good job. Our house is a total wreck (you'd be horrified if you saw it) and she just does the minimum around the house in terms of cooking and laundry. I help with laundry and meals when things get out of hand, but I have a lot of responsibility with my day job, so I can't do everything. Most weekends are usually spent with me going out and doing things with the kids while she stays at home and watches TV or plays on the computer. I could relate a million other stories about her behavior, but I'm not really here to bash her about all that. I just want to get through this with the minimum impact on my children.
I'd like to just work this out with her out of court as an uncontested divorce and share joint custody of the kids, although we both want primary custody, so there's either a court battle or compromise needed there. In order to minimize the impact on the kids, I'd like to have the kids remain in the family home with me so they keep the same schools, friends, and just minimize the shock of this. Normally, she could just move out to someplace nearby so that she can visit the kids often, but the problem is that she refuses to make any attempt to get a real job saying that she can't work. She probably will refuse to move out and look for a job as that might jeopardize her ability to get approved for disability.
I certainly can't afford to fully support her in her own place as I can barely support her spending habits here in the family home. Any advice on what my options are here or what I could expect if we have to fight this in court? Anyone know if the family courts determine disability separately or if they would make me wait forever on the SSD determination? SSD determination would likely take several months and will likely be denied anyway and the appeals can take years, so I can't imagine I'd be forced to wait for all that, so I would think family courts would make their own determination separately. Anyone know what criteria they might use? From what I've been able to find online, it says that a person must be "clearly disabled" to get that consideration, but I don't know what all goes into that determination.
Finally, let's say the courts determine that she's not disabled (probably the most likely outcome). What would happen then? Would they force her to move out and get a job or give her a certain amount of time to do so while she lives in the family home? I don't mind letting her live here in the family home temporarily (a couple months or so?) while she finds a job, but I think that would just remove her incentive to find work.
Comments?
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30378
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Okay, take a deep breath. First, you have to ask yourself a few questions.
Do you still have any love for your wife? Are you not liking HER, or are you not liking the things she is doing? I ask because it sounds like she is suffering from depression or some kind of breakdown.
If that is the case, know that you do not HAVE to live with it, but you should at least give her the opportunity to get better. You should document the condition of the house, with pictures and descriptions. Next, seek help for your own issues (we all have them) and that same person can advise you on how to approach her as well as help you with couples counseling, or in the worst case, divorce counseling. When you have worked out a plan to approach her, you will have done so with professional help.
Now, there is NO guarantee that this will work, but if it DOES go to divorce, and you don't try to help her, her lawyer will paint her as the disabled stay at home parent, and you as the vindictive ex husband who is throwing his disabled wife out in the streets.
She was also the main caretaker of the kids (despite the stuff you do for them) and you are the wage earner. You will pay her child support and she will get the kids. She will probably get alimony as well.
Now, if you try to above method, she refuses, and it still doesn't work out, well, you have given her a chance to improve, and she refused. You are now the understanding husband who had to do what was best for the kids when it became clear she would not seek help.
Offering to help her will also assuage any guilt you might feel (and you will) if she DOES end up being disabled due to bipolar disorder or depression.
Or, you might find the love and person you once knew and married, which is what is REALLY in the best interest of the children.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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TejasDad
recently joined
Reged: 11/06/10
Posts: 5
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So, are you saying I have almost no chance of getting the kids? Are the courts here really stacked up that heavily against the father? How will she be able to provide for the kids if she refuses to work? What would I need to show in order to get primary custody of them?
I'm not a vindictive person at all, despite everything she's done to me, but she's made it clear that everything is about what's in it for her and that my only usefulness is the income I can provide so that she doesn't have to work. I've suffered through years of this strictly because I'm afraid of the impact of divorce on the kids, but she's made it clear that she has no intention of ever changing. We tried seeing a marriage counselor before, but as soon as the she said anything my wife didn't like, she refused to go back to any more sessions. I even let her pick out the counselor and she found someone she thought would just take her side on everything, but it didn't turn out that way and the counselor turned out to be pretty fair and that's obviously not what she wanted. I've tried for years to work with her, but she insists on everything being one-sided and I just can't continue being a door mat for her any longer, so there's really no hope for this marriage any longer.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30378
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"Are the courts here really stacked up that heavily against the father?"
Not because of that, but because the courts like to keep what has been the norm, and since she WON'T work, she will care for the kids and you will pay her.
"How will she be able to provide for the kids if she refuses to work?"
Alimony and child support.
"What would I need to show in order to get primary custody of them?"
You would need to show that her "disability" would be a danger to the children, which you cannot, because you have left them in her care in the past to this day.
"she's made it clear that everything is about what's in it for her and that my only usefulness is the income I can provide so that she doesn't have to work."
Both signs of a person with BPD or Depression.
"We tried seeing a marriage counselor before, but as soon as the she said anything my wife didn't like, she refused to go back to any more sessions. I even let her pick out the counselor and she found someone she thought would just take her side on everything, but it didn't turn out that way and the counselor turned out to be pretty fair and that's obviously not what she wanted."
Did you continue to see the counselor? I mean living in such an environment would cause a person to have issues. The point of you seing a counselor separate from her is to deal with those issues as well as the ones to come if this ends in divorce.
"I just can't continue being a door mat for her any longer, so there's really no hope for this marriage any longer."
Have you ever told her that its get help, or divorce? Obviously not, because you are still married. So until now, why SHOULD she get help? You stayed regardless of her actions, so she doesn't HAVE to get help. Denial is another sign if the possible issues.
What you need is CONCRETE evidence that you did WHATEVER you could to help her, and she refused ALL help. Because she was willing to trash the MARRIAGE in order to avoid help for her problems (she saved you the job of proving she HAS problems by applying for SSDI), there is not telling WHAT she will do when confronted with problems regarding the children, and because of that, you should be the custodial parent.
Do you hear what I am saying? Court is NOT about emotion, truth, or justice, its about what you can PROVE, and how you present that to the judge.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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OK #1 screw paying the credit cards. Take that money and pay a lawyer or charge it. You will need one.
What is the nature of her disability???
Take photos of the house. Is she a hoarder? What is wrong with the house.
Where are you in TX? TX is not a pro alimony state.
You need to listen to Dave Ramsey. I am in San Antonio and he comes on AM 550 every weekday at 1. He has great advice for those going thru a divorce with non working spouse/debt/kids/house etc. I have learned a lot from him.
You need to protect your $$$$ from her starting now. Close the credit cards.
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
Edited by Miranda (11/07/10 12:52 PM)
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TejasDad
recently joined
Reged: 11/06/10
Posts: 5
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Not sure how much this will help, but she ran out on our kids' last two birthday parties, so I handled everything while she went out to the movies and restaurants by herself all day (that was the party we had at our house) or she stayed home while I took them out to the pool party, nail salon, restaurant, etc.
After the 2nd time she did this, I threatened divorce and after she discovered that TX isn't a very good state for alimony, she soon started going to every doctor in town complaining of pains everywhere. She must have undergone a million different tests (blood tests, MRIs, x-rays, bone marrows, etc.), but nothing significant really came up -- certainly nothing disabling. Since that approach didn't work, she found a disability attorney and he said her best shot at getting SSDI was to apply on the basis of MDD (major depressive disorder) since she takes anti-depressants, so that's her current strategy. I probably made a mistake by not just filing for divorce immediately, but I wanted to give her a chance to change, but it's clear that's not her goal.
@Miranda: the credit card are already maxed out (one of them is like $7k over the limit). The problem now is that she'll just use the debit card for everything and that will quickly make the mortgage payment bounce. My only option would be to remove her from all access to money and treat her like a kid and just give her cash to buy necessities. I thought about doing this many times in the past, but it seems like I'd be degrading her to do that. Also, if I hire a lawyer, then she will just use that as an excuse to go do the same and she will hire the most expensive one she can find and she'll just drive us into even deeper financial ruin, so I'm really reluctant to get lawyers involved in this if there's any way to avoid it. If it has to be a battle in court, I'd prefer that we both did it pro se. I already spent years digging us out of a huge financial hole that she created once before and I really don't want to go through that again. I want to be able to save money for the kids' education and for retirement, but she's always made that nearly impossible. What a mess. Sigh...
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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You are worrying about degrading her while she has put you and your family in financial ruin? Are you kidding me? One card is 7K over the limit? Did I read that right? The mortgage is going to bounce and you are worried about degredation? She is degrading you and your children DAILY!
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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ILMimi
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Reged: 01/03/08
Posts: 502
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Before I filed for divorce I created a separate checking and savings account and had my paycheck deposited there instead of the joint account. I paid all the household bills out of my account. (My ex barely made $22k a year; drugs will do that to one's career). He got his own credit card and when he used it for household expenses I asked him to give me the receipt and I promptly paid him back.
He was angry that I controlled the money like this but it was in the best interests for me and my kids. Personally I could have cared less if he felt degraded. The way I look at it is he made our lives a living hell and he was finally getting pay-back.
BTW He is now living in a halfway house in NY state having spent the $180K he received from the settlement in about 18 months.
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TejasDad
recently joined
Reged: 11/06/10
Posts: 5
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Like I said, I'm not a vindictive person and I like to let God judge and punish those who act badly and not stoop to the level of others out of spite, but it seems in this case I have to think of it not like degrading her, but protecting the interests of my children (actually, the interests of all of us). Thanks for the advice. I think creating a separate individual account and moving money there will be better than just cutting her off from the existing accounts. It just means that I have to change a ton of auto-payments of bills (mortgage, auto insurance, utilities, credit card pmts, etc.), but I suppose nothing worthwhile is easy.
My biggest concern in this case is really the kids. I'm afraid that she will get primary custody and that I'll just get visitation simply because she has been a SAHM (using the term lightly) for years. Honestly, I think them living with me would be a much more stable environment, but proving that to someone who doesn't live in this house will probably not be very easy. Like gr8Dad rightly mentioned, it's not about truth or justice or even about what's best for the kids. In theory it is, but in reality, it's simply about how it's all presented to a 3rd party. Obviously, I have a lot of work (and probably expense) ahead of me to get a just outcome here.
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coppull
newbie
Reged: 09/28/10
Posts: 26
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First, let me say, I am sorry what you are going thru. Its very, very hard and it sounds like you are handling it well and sensibly. I admire you for not stooping to vindictive behavior and comments. You are going to be OK
Gr8t dad has given you some very good advice.
Can I just say a few things non-legal which may help a bit.
I think first and foremost you are going to need to accept that this WILL cost $$, maybe a lot. The second you pull the trigger, it will cost. But you have not much choice. But accepting up front is helpful I think. Secondly, patience is a virtue in this process. One day at a time. The only way is one day at a time and not let worrying about what you cannot control take over. Its not easy. Best of luck to you. Keep up good work
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