StressedNYer
recently joined
Reged: 05/03/11
Posts: 3
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STBX and I have an appointment for mediation next week to set up a parenting plan in an attempt to work out joint custody.
Right now our relationship is volitile but I think we've come up with a workable visitation schedule for our 6 yr old ds, which is 3 wkends/mnth and 1 evening a wk.
STBX doesn't drive (uses public transportation) so I would be driving ds to and from stbx's and mutual meeting places.
Our problem is that we don't agree on medical issues such as ds was recently diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed clonidine. Stbx disagrees with the diagnosis and any medication at all. I asked him to find a second opinion, schedule an appt. and we would all go to the appt. (I'd asked him to attend the first appt. but he refused) He didn't find anyone for a second opinion and is still arguing about medicating.
Another issue we have is stbx is planning on moving to another state (where his family lives) within the next 5 years. He'll be about 12 hours drive away. He has stated that he'll take ds with him when he moves.
We are even arguing about which school district ds will attend in Sept. I'm living in an excellent school district and stbx is living in one of the worst in NYS. However, I was open to his idea that ds attend a private school in stbxs area but it doesn't look like stbx will actually look into that and I have no idea how he would pay for it...
I've tried to keep contact with stbx by email or IM due to our inability to stay on topic and to avoid miscommunication. But he says I'm not willing to communicate at all. I do have ds call stbx every night.
Any advice or insight would be great.
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7806
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Hi NYer, there are some residents of New York here, Cassie23 and LexieBelle come to mind as NY ladies who can probably assist. LexieBelle actually dealt with a move-away in court very recently.
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StressedNYer
recently joined
Reged: 05/03/11
Posts: 3
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Thank you ssmom!
Some additional information:
I am the primary caregiver. I've done all Dr.s dentist, therapy appointments, attended all school meetings, etc... SAHM and homeschooling ds at the moment. When I did work, I worked overnights 11p-7a while stbx worked 8a-5p. Ds has autism (high functioning).
Stbx lives in "the marital home" as his parents bought it for him and it's in his name. I don't want the house, only a few items that were passed down through my family. We agree on this. Ds and I live with my dad in a 4 bdrm house about 30 minutes away.
I'm wondering - what visitation schedules seem to work best? Like I said, right now ds is with me Sun 7p-Fri 6p then with stbx Fri 6 p - Sun 7p. I was thinking of trying 1 week here, 1 week there over the summer or even when school starts in Sept...
It's just so hard to know what ds can handle at this point.
Also, how do we handle decision making until we reach an agreement?
I need to registar ds for school and meet with the schools Sp. Ed. people to figure out what services he'll get but if stbx decides he doesn't want ds to attend school here...
Can stbx take ds out of the state or out of the country now or even after a custody agreement is decided? Stbx has no family here in NY and wants to take ds out of state and out of the country this summer and honestly, I'm not real comfortable with that right now.
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LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
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Hi Stressed! I'm a former New Yorker, Suffolk County. I'll start off by saying that you'll probably get slightly different advice depending on who you talk to, because there are no hard and fast "laws" per se about certain things (ie: what is a visitation schedule supposed to look like, are move-aways allowed? By whom? When? Etc) and different counties tend to handle things a little differently.
So, that said, I'm most familiar with Long Island as Suffolk and Nassau county courts tend to operate about the same.
What is your current legal marital status? He is a stbx but are you legally separated? Does one of you have temporary custody? I would say, in your case, with the whole "I'm going to move someday and I'm just gonna move our son with me" nonsense, while it may just be that, nonsense, you'll have a MUCH better shot of making sure that NEVER happens by ensuring you have SOLE legal custody. One thing about NY, it is not an automatically "joint" state and in fact, if parties disagree about it? More than likely they'll award sole legal to one person, and that's probably going to be the primary caregiver. Particularly given your ds is autistic/adhd, the more stability.. the better.
I personally wouldn't do one week on/one week off, but that's me. how attached is your son to your stbx? Is going to the proposed schedule going to totally upset his emotional apple cart so to speak? I have a 5+ year old myself. She's been eval'd but doesn't qualify as autism spectrum; however, she has many attributes of specifically, Asperger's. She can't handle a week at her dad's. It's been tried, has been a colossal "fail". Even her dad, as much as he'd LIKE to spend the time, realizes that it's not in her interests because it just totally throws her off. Two different households, very different routines/expectations, different people/people dynamics. It just doesn't work.
As the other poster mentioned, I have done a move-away. Last year. I was the moving parent. I am also the parent with sole legal custody, since the child was 1. I also was given move permission by my ex in our Stipulation of Settlement when we divorced. Still ended up costing me $9K to move, not really about "moving", he had next to no shot of winning that, but really about visitation. As the presumably custodial parent, the concern would be YOU moving. Typically, the NON custodial parent can go wherever they like, whenever. If you're concerned he's a flight risk with the child; however, you might want to get some language in your Agreement that limits going out of the country without permission or whatever. If your stbx wants to move at some point? He just (typically) has to notify you of his new address within a pre-specified period of time (5 days, 2 weeks, whatever it is). Can he move with THE CHILD? No. Only if he had sole legal custody AND if he had specific move permission OR the Agreement/Order was silent on moves. Again, NY does'nt have any "law" about moving. It is an unspoken "rule" that the custodial parent has a 25-50 mile radius restriction. But if YOU are the custodial parent, he can't move and just TAKE the child and move with him. I believe that would be parental abduction and he'd be in a serious heap of shyt if he did that.
That's pretty much my 5 second brain dump on all that. What else can I tell you? Fire away.
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StressedNYer
recently joined
Reged: 05/03/11
Posts: 3
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LexieBelle- Thank you for the information and the insight about doing one week here, one week there. That wouldn't work in my case either. I'm very structured and stbx is all about free play. Transitions from a day with dad back to me are difficult enough. Ds worships his dad.
I'm in Monroe Co. and we are not yet legally separated.
I wish his wanting to move out of state was nonsense but he has no family in NY and has talked about moving closer to them even before I left. He was talking about all the reasons why moving out of state would be best for ds right up til this past Thursday. He met with his lawyer and has done a 180 - agreeing to most of what I say and telling me that he would NEVER move ds out of state...
I left because he was abusive but because I never reported it or documented it - it didn't happen.
Even though my lawyer said I'd most likely get sole custody, I have a bad feeling about it.
I don't think there's much I can do but wait for court.
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