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Reged: 11/17/08
Posts: 13
Is it my fault?
      #735895 - 03/08/11 10:19 AM

Some of you may remember me... I still haven't gotten divorced yet, or even separated for that matter. Basically, I have a conflict in my head that I can't shake. Right after we got married my wife started pushing me away. We didn't even have sex on our wedding night. We married July of 05. She pushed me away all the way up to when I deployed to Iraq in late Jan 06. We Hadn't had sex (in the marriage) until I returned from Iraq in Aug of 06 and haven't had it since. I tried to initiate intimacy so many times I can't even count but to no avail. Because of her pushing, I started talking to other females online in a semi-serious manner. She had found out about it on a few occasions, but since there was never any physical cheating, she didn't push for divorce. It wasn't until we moved here to VA that we started talking about divorce because I was sick and tired of not being able to touch the woman that I married. She was actually ok with the idea of divorce which threw me for a loop, and no, she's not, nor has she ever cheated on me. I can't help but think, was it my fault that this marriage failed or is it hers for pushing me away? I need someone else's spin on all this, cause now it's bugging me.

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Carpal \'Tunnel

Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8852
Re: Is it my fault? [Re: wolfbane]
      #735943 - 03/08/11 04:54 PM

I have known several women who did that. All them were or ended up cheating. Basically because their husbands didn't fix the problem that they were using lack of sex to punish them for. The one that is now a healthy decent person acknowledges what she did and even contacted her ex to apologize as a part of her 12 steps (when punishing/blaming her spouse stopped being an outlet alcohol became one).

Bottom line refusing intimacy destroys a marriage. Both because it destroys the self worth and confidence on the partner being refused and because it is an indication that the other has a serious problem they would rather not deal with.

I have no idea what your wife's problem is, but it likely has nothing to do with you. She probably thinks that it does - which is why she is willing to divorce. I don't recall your story, but I would say divorce is likely inevitable unless she is willing to admit that she has a problem. And even then - still may be the outcome.

Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.

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Reged: 05/25/11
Posts: 6
Re: Is it my fault? [Re: wolfbane]
      #749015 - 05/25/11 05:07 PM

No, not your fault. I get pushed away all the time. Now I am looking at a divorce and know why he was puching me away. He hasnt felt that "connection" since before we were married and he hoped that things would change and the connection would come back and it never did. We have agreed to stick with it for 1 yr and see if we can work or improve on our marriage. though, he said he doesnt feel a glimmer of hope so chances are we will be filing for divorce in a few months and will be divorced in a yr.

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Reged: 06/16/11
Posts: 2
Re: Is it my fault? [Re: stormy1960]
      #751904 - 06/16/11 08:29 PM

I am one of these women. I push my husband away. Do I feel bad about it? yes. Does it hurt me knowing I am hurting him? YES.

I just dont feel the connection anymore...after having him tell me he didnt love me when he married me and I was a "calculated" decision, it is hard for me to feel attracted to him after some of the things he has said to me..

I do push my husband away. I do not do it intentionally, and I hate that I do it. But I am not sure how to make it better.

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Reged: 05/16/11
Posts: 12
Re: Is it my fault? [Re: yngconfuzedlady]
      #752220 - 06/18/11 06:21 PM

Its hard to say if it is your fault or not. She might have built up resentment towards you for some reason that you may or may not have been able to fix. Or it could be some major self confidence issues with her. Or some other reason.

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