Shirt423
recently joined
Reged: 11/29/11
Posts: 7
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Long story short, mother withholds visitation of 5 year old daughter with her father because she wants him to be living with them and he doesn't.
They have a custody order in place that was ordered in 2008 (during a brief split) and after that he did live with them until the summer of 2010. After they broke up in 2010 he had the little girl every weekend while she worked until she found out he was seeing me. After that she only allowed him to see her at her house to make sure I wasn't around.
The saddest thing is that because my boyfriend is alcoholic she will easily be seen as the more stable parent. He had a DUI last January and she allowed him to be alone with the little girl at her house right after that because she was in hopes he would move back with her. So this isn't actually about the daughters safety it is all about her.
I would never condone a child being left with an active alcoholic but he is now in recovery and doing well.
My question is about the agreement they made in 2008. She hired an attorney and he stupidly signed the agreement because he couldn't afford to hire someone.
The agreement is so generic and doesn't outline any scheduled visitation. My guess is that even then she did everything to have a hold on him so that he had no choice but to stay with her.
The agreement states:
1. Mother shall have legal and physical custody of daughter.
2. Father shall have physical custody of daughter in supervised visits by agreement of the parties.
3.Mother may terminate Father's supervised visits at any time if she believes father is under the influence of alcohol.
3. The parties may petition the court for modification of custody.
That is pretty much it - so she is pretty much withholding visitation not because she "believes he is under the influence" but because she hates me and really doesn't care at all about the child's needs.
I feel so bad for him right now because he feels like he doesn't have a foot to stand on with having the DUI and having signed that order in 08 even though it was never followed and he lived with the little girl for another 2 years being an extremely involved full time father.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks, sorry it was long I just have no experience with this at all.
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DedicatedDad
veteran
Reged: 09/05/04
Posts: 1318
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Your BF signed an agreement that makes what she is doing legal. Sorry, but this was stupid.
If he wants sent parenting time, he will a lawyer and a chunk of money....and he will still probably get supervised time, at least for awhile. Normally I wouldn't think a DUI would be major, but when the original agreement talks about his alcohol abuse and supervised time....I believe it was probably justified.
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Shirt423
recently joined
Reged: 11/29/11
Posts: 7
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So she is able to withhold ALL visitation even when he has 6 months of sobriety and she always leaves the little girl with other recovering alcoholics? (Like a leech she clung to his entire support group for his disease because she is so obsessed with him and he has had to build all new AA relationships. For him AA is a means to stay alive, if he doesn't have it he will surely end up dead, and for her its a way to keep a hold on him).
If he goes for modification will the Judge look at any of her actions as being malicious? I just don't see how this can be justified. And again, its not like we think he should see the little girl if he is drinking, of course that would not be safe. Would a judge say that I can not supervise because the mother hates me even though I have absolutely no record and I have no problems with addiction?
I was cleared to be a "Big Sister" through "Big Brothers Big Sisters" - so I can take a strangers child why couldn't I supervise his visits?
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DedicatedDad
veteran
Reged: 09/05/04
Posts: 1318
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The court order is what rules. Right now, she can hold the kids back anytime she wants....and he agreed to it.
He needs an attorney to attempt to make any changes.
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Renny
addict
Reged: 09/24/11
Posts: 479
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You don't mention a divorce. And does the custody order specify supervised visitation at the mothers house?
Was his drinking such a problem that supervised visitation was warranted or did he just sign it without knowing the full implications? The recent DUI doesn't help, but it alone, without a serious drinking problem in the past is not necessarily grounds for supervised visitation. That miserable agreement begs for modification.
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Renny
addict
Reged: 09/24/11
Posts: 479
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I saw this after I posted. AA is held in high regard by some judges even though it's success rate is dismal. He may have a fighting chance in court. And any judge will at least insist on a better parenting plan than he has now.
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Shirt423
recently joined
Reged: 11/29/11
Posts: 7
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The agreement only states what I wrote, there is absolutely nothing saying where the visits should be or who with or how often. I know this was just a ploy she used to scare him back then and it worked. They were never married so there was no divorce.
He does have a history with alcohol abuse, he is alcoholic and is very active in AA so yes there is good reason for that being put in the agreement. I don't even disagree with that aspect of it. However, he was Active when this was written and now he is Recovering. There is a big difference there. Also, she is very involved with AA and Alanon like I said so if she stood up in court and said a recovering alcoholic can't be a good parent she would be talking about all of her AA friends who are parents and she adores and who always babysit their daughter. This woman should be pictured in the dictionary next to the word "hypocrite". It sickens me.
She has also threatened to kill me (to him not me, she is also a coward). Just a side note, he was single and not living with her when we met, I didn't break them up not that it should even matter I wouldn't wish being in a relationship with her on my worst enemy.
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onmyown_36
member
Reged: 08/04/10
Posts: 134
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After my experience with court orders.... Whatever he signed is in place until a time in which one of the parties takes the arrangement back to court. Like others have said , she is legally doing nothing wrong. So there will be nothing to hold against her in court. He can stay sober for a long period of time, show stability, and desire to see his child, then hire an attorney go to court and maybe at least get more constant... more shared custody. I'm very surprised he signed something that said " agree on visitation" If it is anything like me and my ex, we couldn't communicate (hence the divorce) so to think we could live for 10 years "agreeing" on ANYTHING would be crazy.
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Renny
addict
Reged: 09/24/11
Posts: 479
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She's not an expert on addiction, so she wouldn't be asked her opinion about alcoholics and parenting wouldn't come up. Rather, she could testify as to specific incidents involving alcohol in the past.
There is so much misinformation about alcohol addiction that it really comes down to what the particular judge thinks about AA and recovery in general.
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Shirt423
recently joined
Reged: 11/29/11
Posts: 7
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He is going to go for modification because unfortunately the mother just will not agree here. It is heart breaking to me that it never seems like the daughter's needs are being put first. I don't understand how a 33 year old women can act like a 14 year old, completely disregard a child's need for a loving father, and justify it day and night. And he constantly asks to see her, but since she will only allow him to see her with her present he can't do that. He tried and ended up relapsing because of it, and then the visits turn in to her trying to seduce him instead of quality time with daughter. His sobriety is extremely important and she is number one at triggering his alcoholic thoughts.
My parents had a bitter divorce and maybe since they had money to fight over they didn't need to hurt us in the process. I guess if you're bitter enough you can hurt an innocent 5 year old. And she really loves her father and he loves her.
Its sad because it seems that so many dad's don't take advantage of visitation and one that really wants it can't have it - in a healthy way.
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