lizk0114
member
Reged: 03/22/11
Posts: 109
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My D 17 yrs old is having a big day today. She is in a pageant and is so excited about the talent. She plays the guitar and sings. I will be at my moms as we spend the day together and get ready. I refuse to take SD with me. H got upset because he wants to go hunting and his mom doesn't want to watch her because of her behavior.
Am I being so mean? I just want to spend time with my D alone and not have to worry about the behavior of my SD. My D is not going to be having many of these days left as she is 17. I want to focus on her today and no one else. Its her day. Just wanted some thoughts. He has made me feel like spending time with her is what she needs, and I agree, but not today. I feel that she needs to prove that she can respect me and mind, before I take her to things like this.
I took her to the parade last night and I had to constantly get on to her, so much so that my S just wanted to go home before the parade was even over. H doesn't see that I am sick of it and if it means going with my kids and enjoying out time, then so be it.
Just wanted to see if I am being horrible. I do feel bad, but just am tired of my kids not getting my full attention because I am focused on her and usually end up upset because she is so rude.
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Sadie
addict
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 567
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No, you are not being mean. Sounds like he really doesn't wanty to spend the day with her either. Maybe a little daddy and daughter time will help and open his eyes
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Tweeby
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/05/04
Posts: 7100
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Well let your husband be upset, today is a day for your own child because she needs you with her. I'm willing to bet that your S is not going to be there today.
Even in intact families kids need to have special one on one time with each parent. Having more than one child it can be a juggling act at times and you don't want to just have attention on the negative so when there is something positive you want to make sure you are there to cheer them on.
If your husband wants to go hunting than it is up to him to find someone to be with his 8 yo.
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lizk0114
member
Reged: 03/22/11
Posts: 109
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Thanks...just feeling a little bad. And no, my S will be with my dad hunting. It's just going to be my D, mom and I. I even went so far as to invite H's mom to come with SD to the event and I would pay their way in, if they wanted. But even then I made it clear that I was not going to be tending to her.
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Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
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I agree. That isn't the place your SD should be right now. This day is about your daughter and certainly a pageant where your D and you need to be focused and organized for the competition your SD would be a handful.
I would seriously consider speaking with your H and you two coming up with a game plan for your SD. MAYBE he should consider SD not going out publicly- to parades or movies or fun places- UNTIL she can show she knows how to behave at home first.
Seems to me that your SD may need some Dad one on one time and he should see this time as an opportunity for that instead of being upset with you.
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Arden
old hand
Reged: 02/27/06
Posts: 858
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Seems to me that your SD may need some Dad one on one time and he should see this time as an opportunity for that instead of being upset with you.
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I agree. Unless your freezer is completely empty and the family will starve to death if he doesn't hunt today, I wouldn't give it a second thought.
Don't let this mar your day with your daughter, you enjoy your day with her. Your SD can enjoy her day with her dad.
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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Dad needs to step up and spend time with his daughter. He really does. It sounds like she is seeking his attention - good or bad. Just attention.
You need to get into counseling to learn to deal with this child - so does your husband. It sounds like he leaves the raising to you which isn't fair. THere are some really great programs that might help your family to deal with this LITTLE GIRL without resorting to spanking all the time.
I have to say I am biased in some of this. My ex's last live-in wouldn't allow our daughter in her home. WHen our kids would go over it wasn't pleasant for anyone. Last time I went over to pick the kids up, our then 5 year old was sitting on the front porch waiting for me. They would do things like force our vegetarian kids to eat sushi or ham. Not a bite, but an actual serving. So, our daughter would act out - shoving the good china off her high chair. (Who gives a kid in a high chair good china?) SHe was older and had certain beliefs about raising children that didn't work for our children. She spanked our kids with their pants down, pinched ears, and locked them in the basement. It didn't help that X would "get stressed" and leave the kids with her for hours. IMO, X needed to step up and parent. Not leave the parenting to the other person.
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Loretta
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 3940
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Have a great day with your 17yo alone today. All kids deserve one on one time. Dad can take 8yo hunting, find a sitter, or not go. He has options. Again, no guilt for you, just a fun day with your girl.
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Spring
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 7972
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You aren't doing anything wrong. I understand that he wants to do something, but his first responsibility is his daughter. His daughter earned the situation of not being invited to come to the pagent with you through her behavior...that's the consequences. You do need to focus on your own D today, that is your responsibility.
Your step daughter can go hunting with her Dad :o)
--------------------
Never consider the possibility of failure; as long as you persist, you will be successful.
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annieo
veteran
Reged: 07/07/10
Posts: 1410
Loc: Pacific Northwest
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I asked this in the last post but received no input:
Are you treating her different from your children - she may want to know YOU are there for her and that she is as worthy of your attention and so for as your children are. You are the mom she knows and you appear (may be wrong) push her away and on her dad when you can no longer deal with her (yes dad should help - it is his child) and you do not push yours away - yours act better behaved but they also KNOW you are there ALWAYS and she knows you will pull yourself away when you have had too much - what do you do with your children when you have enough...you deal with them.
If she did not live with you it would be different but you are basically her mom because her bm is rather uninvolved (from what you have said) and she sees you as her mom and you turn her over to dad when you are tired of dealing with her - yet you deal with your children....
I agree taking her today probably isn't the best idea but you can't keep excluding her for your children - do you do one on one time with her?
When my son would act up in the store - I would leave and take him outside if he got it together we would try again but if not we went home. She appears to be begging for limits if dad doesn't set them (although it sounds like he is starting to) then you need to.
If it were me (I know your not) I would quit singling her out from you better behaved children and let her know she will not be passed off just like your children are not passed off.
Dad needs to deal with her today because you have plans and she cannot go but again if it were me I'd take her and show her she is welcome and just deal with her behavior - you sound like you are embarrassed about her - anyone who has kids knows they can be little hooligans at times and continually excluding her will not make it better it will create more resentment.
I have a grandson who has been told he can't return to the boys and girls club and now has been expelled from school - he is in Kindergarten - his mom did not set limits and was more a "friend" then a parent among other things - she is reaping those rewards now and my ss has brought him here to live - he is doing ok so far - he is treated the same as my ss live in girlfriends boys regardless of his behavior and he is learning - its a long road but he is treated no different - it hurts anyone to be treated different then the rest of the children in the household - my mother treated my brother as the favored child - she said she didn't (we talked when I finally asked her about it) and I explained what made me feel that way - and she did not realize what she did to make me feel that way yet recognized that yes I very well may felt that way from her actions (they were not overt actions but subtle little things) and she never would have thought anything of it had I never said anything.
My father died when I was young and I was daddy's little girl so it was difficult for my mom since dad and I always did things together more so them my mom and I and all I wanted was a dad again - maybe your sd wants a mom like your kids have a mom - just a thought
Have fun today with your daughter - it sounds like a great mom and daughter activity and as you said given her age there are few of these times left.
Tomorrow take your sd and do some mother daughter thing with her and show her she is going to be treated as an equal child - just try it and keep at it she is 8 and needs a reliable mom who is willing to set limits and follow through and to be treated the same as the others.
Disclaimer - I am a sm who was very involved in my stepkids upbringing and did not treat any of them differently regardless of behavior - many bm's disagree with this but I was the only mother they could trust and count on - I am a stable consistent in their lives.
Sorry for the novel ;)
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