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crumb
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changing custody
      #778521 - 02/28/12 01:06 AM

My ex-husband and I have a 9 yo. We have 50/50 custody now. We are both remarried. He has Mon tues wed every week and one full weekend a month starting on Fridays. I don't like confrontation and conflict and they tend to take advantage of me. We have gotten along fine for a long time but now he wants to change the schedule. He has hired a father's advocate lawyer and he keeps threatening to use him. I mostly just want to know what kind of custody schedule I should be fighting for that would be best for my daughter. I think she is better off with me but I also think she needs interaction with the ex. For school she should be in a consistent location too. It seems like there are no good solutions to satisfy everybody. He won't settle for anything less than 50% and I feel she needs to be at one place more than the other for better consistency.
Does anybody have any thoughts?


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Debi
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Re: changing custody [Re: crumb]
      #778531 - 02/28/12 07:04 AM

How long have you had 50/50? What change of circumstance has there been to warrant a custody change? In what way will a change benefit your child?

You said he wants to change the schedule but you say you think she should be with you. Who is filing for a change? For what reason is he wanting to change the schedule? What is he wanting to change it to? How does he take advantage of you?

You have been too vauge to get much help, but here's a brief summary. If he is only wanting to change the schedule but keep 50/50 it will depend on his reasons. If it's work related he has a good chance. Family courts are reluctant to change custody unless there is a good reason and it is shown it's in the child's best interest. Because you don't think it's stable enough won't cut it. It will be up to the person who files to prove why the change is necessary. If you counter file for primary placement it will be up to you to show why he shouldn't have 50/50. Since you didn't say I'm going to assume this schedule has been status quo for awhile seeing as how you have been divorced long enough that you are both remarried.

My thought is that 50/50 won't be changed unless he consistantly doesn't use all of his parenting time or is neglectful or abusive or is planning to move out of the area. Things I'm going to guess aren't true because you say HE wants to change the schedule, not that you want primary because of the things I mentioned.

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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.


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crumb
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Re: changing custody [Re: Debi]
      #778554 - 02/28/12 09:11 AM

We have had 50/50 for a long time but I have had legal sole custody until September of last year. He changed the custody to 50/50 with his lawyer and just had me sign it. He also had never paid child support so he removed that from the decree along with owing no arrears. I regret signing it but what's done is done.
I got remarried last August. He has been married for about 7 years. The ex changed the schedule immediately after I got remarried giving him more time on weekends.
The ex is ADHD and has been saying our daughter is ADD too and wants to medicate her. She does well in school and I don't think she has ADD or at least not any more than any other kid at 9 years old. They complain they struggle with her homework every day, but we don't have enough trouble to constitute ADD when we do homework here and we do homework every day too. Reading, math, and spelling words mostly. We have a diagnosis pending from a psychologist to say if she actually has ADD and at what level. He seems to be using the ADD argument to get custody on all the weekends(fri,sat,sun) and give me the weekdays. The problem with that is I want to take her to church on Sunday and we have dinner at grandma's every Sunday. I can't give him every weekend.
They take advantage of me like this. They are taking the daughter to Disneyland for a vacation. They are taking 1 extra days to do this. I am fine with that so my daughter can enjoy a vacation. I told my ex's wife I would like her the saturday they get back so I can celebrate my birthday. Then since it is my year for Easter I will keep her Sunday too. She responded that no I can't have her that saturday be cause it is her daughter's birthday and that she will bring my daughter over Easter morning. Plus she wants that Sunday made up on a different day. It really isn't fair.
All the holidays happen on weekends. Last year they had all the holidays and since it took normal time from me I never had time made up and I expected that and it was fine. That is just how it works. Now when it takes time from them they want the time made up.
My ex has told me countless times that his wife is just as much a mother to my daughter as I am and it is so disrespectful to me.
I really just feel like I have to put up with all this just to keep a good working relationship with them. If I make a stand it will just get ugly.
I don't feel my daughter should only be with me but I feel like she needs time at one place more than the other for consistency and since I can be there for her all of the time it should be at my place.
Now I just feel like I need to get some outside advice of what to do. Who is the best to talk to? A counselor, psychologist, lawyer? I just don't know where to go for the best advice.


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gr8Dad
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Re: changing custody [Re: crumb]
      #778556 - 02/28/12 09:21 AM

Sounds to me like you have been letting him walk all over you. No one, not even a judge, can change that. YOU have to change that. You go STRICTLY by the rules of the court order. NO changes, nothing.

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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...


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M5M5
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Re: changing custody [Re: crumb]
      #778569 - 02/28/12 09:49 AM

I agree with what gr8dad said and further...your ex's wife has no right to dictate to you when or when you won't see your daughter. You need to communicate that kind of stuff with your ex. Go thru him, not her, when it comes to schedule changes.

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SRS
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Re: changing custody [Re: crumb]
      #778608 - 02/28/12 12:38 PM

No one is taking advantage of you. You are allowing this to happen.

Follow the CO to a t. No deviations. You won't lose by doing that.

Let him hire an attorney. He's just threatening you (and it is working). No more discussions about that should be allowed.

It is stupid to sign things without realizing what you are doing. Don't do it again. EVER.

ETA: No discussions with his wife - AT ALL. You made a baby with him, not her.

Edited by SRS (02/28/12 12:40 PM)


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crumb
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Re: changing custody [Re: SRS]
      #778609 - 02/28/12 12:49 PM

What do I do when they don't follow to the 't'?

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SRS
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Re: changing custody [Re: crumb]
      #778611 - 02/28/12 01:43 PM

Be prepared to document and call the police.

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Debi
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Re: changing custody [Re: crumb]
      #778621 - 02/28/12 02:52 PM

One place where you are wrong is that he did NOT change custody. You had to have signed the paperwork agreeing to it or a judge had to order it. I agree with the others......you can't be taken advantage of unless you allow it.

How do you get him to follow the CO? You said he wants to change custody, right? You document and you bring up in court that he can not follow a CO. You do not allow him extra time if he will not allow you extra time. If he wants an extra day don't allow it to him unless you can have the make up day BEFORE he is suppossed to take his extra day.

There is a difference between co-pareting and being a doormat.

--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.


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javajunkiee
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Re: changing custody [Re: crumb]
      #778624 - 02/28/12 03:28 PM

"He changed the custody to 50/50 with his lawyer and just had me sign it."

So is this an agreement that has actually been approved by a judge and is a part of your case file with the court?

If so, you've got two options: Deal with the agreement you made as it stands, or go back to court and change it.

Clarify:
- Who gets which Holiday and that the holiday takes precedence over normal visitation.
- Who has final decision-making power over medical decisions, such as medication and other treatment.
- How much lead time is required before a change in schedule is needed, how the request is made, and how make up time is decided on.

As far as him hiring a father's advocate and threatening you with taking full custody? BULL. As others have said, there needs to be a significant change in circumstances to warrant such a change. Unless you've been arrested for smoking crack in your daughters presence and are living in a cardboard box, he would have to prove why him having primary placement is better than the status quo.

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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.


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