Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2941
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Finally talked to SS, and he is happy to finally finish up his first part of his training. H didn't know what the plans were so he and the girls worked out when they were leaving, which would be immediately following the "pinning" ceremony. BM is quite upset right now. Says she feels as if SS does not want her there, that she'd embarrass him, etc. SS has said nothing to that affect that we know of. She is upset that SHE is not pinning him, while H is totally fine with it, I think. The 6 and 2 1/2 year old nephews will be up there with him to pin him. I thought that was so sweet. Then there is the formal dinner the night before. Both sisters tried to talk their brother into inviting his mom to go to the dinner. He said that the dinner is for spouses/significant others (girlfriends/boyfriends), yes there were some women in the program. The sisters told him how bad their mom felt about not pinning him and not going to the dinner. It's not for her, it's for him and she should respect his wishes. I am really glad I am not going now. I can imagine how depressing it will be with her all whiney and pitying herself. Why can't she just let it go and be happy for him? Be there to support him and enjoy the ceremony? I don't understand that. Maybe b/c I'm not a mom. Can someone tell me I should understand or that I'm missing something here?
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LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
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Nah, you're not missing anything. She's one of "THOSE" mothers.. gag me.. where it's about "them" and what THEY aren't getting/doing/missing and NOT about their children. They're the type who have kids to feel better about themselves.
No worries Char, you're sane, she's nuts ;-)
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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So, just curious, did SS call you and tell you this info about his Mom?
I know you only recently started counseling, but it still seems that you are still doing that one-up thing with your husband's ex. Perhaps at some point you will come to a point where you don't care so much about what she is doing. Delve into why you do it and learn to redirect your thoughts.
Edited by SRS (05/07/12 09:48 AM)
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LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
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No offense SRS but it sounds like she got that direct from the Stepson no?
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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I am not sure if it came from DH or SS - or perhaps a combination of both.
Perhaps in the furture, if they bring up gossip about her husbands ex, she can learn to redirect the conversation. Even get to a point where she doesn't give a hoot about what the ex-wife is doing.
ETA: Kind of "oh, I'm sorry. What uniform combination are you wearing?" Instead of comparing herself to the exW.
Edited by SRS (05/07/12 10:07 AM)
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Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2941
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SD called her brother. During that call, we were all in the room, the girls told their brother that their mom felt badly and that he should take her to the formal dinner. They also told him that she felt bad about not being up there with him to do the pinning. That was when he told them the dinner was for spouses/significant others only. They said that there may be other mom's there, which he did not respond to. I offered no commentary during their discussion. After the call, one of the girls read the email their mom sent to them about how she felt. I did not ask to hear it, nor did H. I wasn't trying to one up her at all. That is why I asked if I was missing something. I cannot control what the girls say or don't say. I know I can walk away from a conversation, however it is my house and again, I did not offer any commentary on what they said. They feel comfortable enough to tell us this stuff. Along with other things that happen at their mom and step dad's house. Which both H and I never say anything about to them. I only wanted to know if I was not being empathetic enough to her feelings. It's rather difficult to walk away when the girls are saying something when it's in our home don't you think? I'm not being mean, I'm just trying to understand why she feels this way.
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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I think you need to work with your therapist on learning not to care about your husbands ex-wife. Perhaps find ways to deflect conversation. Aren't they grown women?
I no longer allow my little guys to say negative things about their Dad in my home. I don't want to know that he sleeps in the same bed with his gf. or that they argue a lot. or whatever tidbit they feel they have to share. It is my house and I do control what is said.
I can tell you that if they are talking about her in your home, they are most likely talking about you in her home.
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LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
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I don't think you're wrong in this scenario Char. It IS your home and you DO want the kids to feel comfortable around you. On the flip side, it's hard to disengage when, you're being engaged (conversations going on around you etc).
You will probably NEVER understand how she thinks (the mother). Some people just aren't rational. Can't fix stupid as the saying goes. And the kids will have to deal with their feelings about her themselves.. All you can do is be supportive, while not letting yourself get dragged down in the process. Trick is.. finding that balance ;)
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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You said that well, LB.
--------be supportive, while not letting yourself get dragged down in the process.
But, don't you think that these grown women know they make Char uncomfortable? They aren't kids based on her prior posts and she's been with her husband for quite some time. Why did they call from her home and not their own if they wanted to discuss their Mom's feelings? If I have something private I want to talk with my sibling about, I call him when I am alone.
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Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2941
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H and I mentioned that we had not talked to SS about the celebrations. SD took it upon herself to call him to get more details about how the kids should dress etc. H was going to call him later on, but they called him right then. I get what you are saying, I need to find that balance between keeping them comfortable and willing to talk and deflecting the conversations from their mom and her feelings. I will be seeing the therapist this week and will discuss this with him. Maybe he can give me ideas on how to handle this delicately. LOL. Thanks for the input. I always appreciate the honesty and suggestions. :)
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