Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2942
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H got a text from SS, letting him know that he wanted him to attend the formal dinner the night before graduation. We speculated on whether or not the girls or BM knew since she was down about not being more involved in the festivities. After being absent for over 2 weeks from the grandson's games, I went the other night. I was told by SD that her mom thought since H hadn't been involved much with the high points or important moments in SS's life, that he should attend the dinner. SD said she sounded sincere and not her usual sarcastic byotchy self. Could I have been wrong all these years? I pulled her to the side saying I wanted to talk to her. First words out of her mouth after she put her arm around me was "what's wrong"? Stunned? You bet. I asked if we could get together sometime to "talk". That I have been feeling very guilty all these years and there were things I wanted to say to her. SHe said that the past was the past, if she and H hadn't broken up she would never have met her current H. The issue she had with H was the lying and sneaking around. Buying a house when he KNEW he wasn't going to stick around. I told her he didn't know he wasn't going to stay, that I had pretty much dumped him to figure out if he wanted to stay married or not. Guess there have been too many assumptions on both our parts. So, I will be having dinner or something with her in the next few weeks. She said anytime, just let her know. Scared, nervous and unsure if I should but the door has been opened and I believe it may just help me in the long run.
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19804
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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RUN FORREST RUN!!!
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
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THAT IS AWESOME CHAR!!!!!!!!!
Yes, you SHOULD! The idea gets a big, emphatic, YES from me!
I think you should go into it though with the KNOWLEDGE that:
a) Past is past.. bells can't be unrung and people HAVE TO move on and they DO..
b) Everything happens for a reason.. Good, bad, indifferent, everything that happens gets everyone to where they are. which is where they are supposed to be. And that's ok
c) Everyone is responsible for their OWN happiness.
d) You're a good person, you've got nothing to feel guilty, or bad about. BELIEVE that.
Personally? I think this could be a GREAT GREAT experience for you. Honestly? Probably do more for you than a year of therapy ;)
Proud of you for approaching her.. that's a huge thing and a great thing! Bravo Char~!
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Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2942
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I opened the hornet's nest, and for my own peace of mind I need to follow through. I don't believe now that she is angry at me anymore. She actually views me differently, as evidenced by her concern when I asked to talk to her. This will help me, I believe in more ways than one. If not, at least I tried and I can move on and feel better about myself.
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19804
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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Talk to your counselor FIRST.
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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Runswithscissors
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 05/29/04
Posts: 13381
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I Agree
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LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
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Oh goodness.. no offense but.. really? She's had how many sessions? The counselor is hardly going to be THAT equipped, at this stage, to really "advise" her on it.
And frankly? It's probably THE healthiest thought process Char has had about the situation EVER.. on her OWN and you guys are all like "gee, better talk to your shrink first". She's a.. how old woman? I'm pretty sure she's capable of making the decision to speak to someone that she chooses too, without therapist approval or intervention first.
I'm just really surprised. Char KNOWS in her heart/head what her issues are. Therapy isn't a cure-all, guided hand through life.
She seems to have this one pretty well covered and I'll say it again, I think this conversation? Will do VOLUMES more for her, than a year of therapy would.
I give her credit. You can either sit in a chair with some stranger and TALK about this and that or you can DO something. Char has opted to take the bull by the horns and DO something. And a GOOD thing, with a GOOD mental attitude about it.
I don't "cheerlead" much on this board but Char? RAH RAH RAH.. SIS BOOM BAH! YOU GO GIRL!!! {{shakes pompoms furiously on your behalf}}
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
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A week ago she was crazy. Now you want to share stories over dinner? I'd give at least two weeks to mull over the idea. You never know how crazy she might be next week.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6462
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I'm on team Gecko on this one. I would keep things on a VERY superficial/light note for quite awhile with bm while continuing to work on your own stuff with the counselot....and then planning what points you want to make and how you want to phrase them with the counselor before dishing it out with bm.
You are too raw and bm's change of heart is too new.
What if she does a 180 turn in the middle of the conversation ? Will you start crying/yelling/ or otherwise lose your cool ?
What if this is a set up to get dirt to twist the facts and relationships later on ?
I'd tread VERY carefully here.
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Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2942
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Maybe, I was looking at it all wrong. I was looking at BM through the eyes of my mother, with bias and hate. I didn't see her as a "person", I saw her as competition. Talking to her will help, and if not then so be it. I will have said my piece and it will be done. She has never been nasty to me the past 5-7 years. IN fact, she talks to me quite easily. I had a colored perception of her based on what H told me. I need to form my own opinion; not what mum would have thought or what H thinks. I've spent too many friggin' years being "someone else". It is high time to be MYSELF. and have my OWN feelings, opinions not someone else's.
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