Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2942
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before I lose it. I finally told therapist I no longer feel guilty about H and his ex getting divorced. It was bound to happen, I was there at the wrong time. It was not my fault, things were bad before I got involved. One hurdle down. I am however glad I did not go to see SS. BM has been totally clingy, basically ignoring the girls, grandkids, etc. H has been helping out with the gkids, BM and her H stuck like glue to SS all day. From what H told me who was told by SD, everything that BM does for the kids; she expects to be paid back. H took gson to get something to wear (along with SD) b/c SD didn't make him try on the clothes he had. Her fault I know. Millions of moms work, and still find time to shop for their kid for a special event. I bought him dress shoes, as well as the other gson, which oldest said I did NOT have to do. Anywho, BM was losing it, getting all panicky over little things. Chant with me here, I do not care what BM does. I do not care what BM does. LOL I told therapist that I am beginning to doubt it is a good idea for BM and I to talk. That the reason would be for me to clear my head for myself, not for her. To explain my side of the story. SO I can die in peace when the time comes. Will it help? Not so sure now, but maybe.... Just not now. So I'm asking for your help. I want H to be able to talk to me, and to listen without getting angry when BM does something selfish or byotchy. How do I do that???? I know, keep going to therapy. I am NOT my mother, I refuse to be my MOTHER.
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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This is about you, Char. Not about BM. Stop LISTENING WHEN they start talking about BM. Change the subject if he's on the phone.
"Say, honey, I can't talk about this right now" - when he brings up BM. "Tell me about the hotel." "Did you see SS's dorm?" "Where did you eat lunch/supper?" "How is the base where SS is?"
He needs to understand that you don't need to talk about BM right now. Eventually, maybe. But not now.
Honestly, I don't talk about my ex's various girlfriends anymore. It took me a couple of years of being divorced, but honestly, I could care less anymore.
I wonder why he feels the need to talk about her to you. I had a friend who would always want to gossip about x and gf. I ended up dropping her as a friend. She was constantly picking at a scab of mine and wouldn't let it go so it would heal.
ETA: Don't meet with BM. You WERE the OW in a marriage that was already going bad. Nothing you can say can change that. There is NO REASON for you to meet with her. Clear the air? Tell her your side of the story? She's moved on, let it alone. You need to move on and let it alone as well.
Edited by SRS (05/24/12 06:46 AM)
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Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2942
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Thank you, that is what I needed to hear. What is done is done. The past cannot be changed, no matter what I say or do. Changing the subject will take some getting used to. Like I told the therapist, there is a part of me who gets a sadistic pleasure hearing how poorly she behaves, which turns into guilt and self loathing for myself for even thinking that way. Picking at her scab will not help, nor will it help me. I think I will just keep it at being civil at the kids events, and drop the whole meeting thing. There is no reason now to do this. I will only feel worse if she starts crying about how she was convinced she was happily married, and he took money, blah blah. There are 3 sides to every story, and no amount of revealing my feelings or his at the time of the "affair" will help her, him or myself. I appreciate your candor and honesty. That was why I posted this. I need to hear unvarnished truth and honesty.
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elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
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I would not meet with her. There is no point.
Here's the thing - its normal to get irritated when dumbasses do dumbass things to people you care about - like your SKs and DH. So you are never going to therapy that away, because it is normal.
Basically the problem is NOT that you get angry. You feel - vindicated - when she is a dumbass. Because it means you didn't wrong a "good" person. And then you feel bad for relishing in another's misfortune. Rinse repeat. But I think you need to give yourself a break. It's normal to enjoy seeing Karma catch up to people.
And you are right. Frankly as a wife - I wouldn't have warm fuzzies for a woman that fooled around with my husband - but I would blame HIM. HE is the one who made a commitment and failed to live up to it. So quit taking that on as though it is yours. You didn't break a promise. And you can't "steal" a man that isn't looking to be taken. That's on him. It is almost demeaning to him to think that he is an object you stole from her. He is a person, who makes his own grown up decisions and this is one that HE made. It's not yours to forgive or seek forgiveness for - its his.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2942
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Which is what I am FINALLY accepting. It has taken 15 years to get to this point. And I realize it was HIS choice, he could have said no. But he was unhappy, miserable and was going to divorce her anyway. I didn't think about how he would feel; that I looked at him as an "object" to be stolen from someone else. That was truly eye opening. That attitude is definitely going to change. Thanks again, and no, I won't meet with her after all. The past is over and done with. No point in rehashing just to make myself feel "vindicated" or better.
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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15 years? Really? Based on your postings, I kind of assumed that it had only been 3 or 4.
Goodness, Char. He's yours. You need to move on.
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Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2942
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That's what he keeps telling me (on those days when I get down and insecure which thank God aren't that often). LOL
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19805
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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That the reason would be for me to clear my head for myself, not for her. To explain my side of the story.
---> You want affirmation and absolution from this woman...you're NEVER going to get it.
---> Char...when my father met the woman who was to be his second wife, he was still married to my mother. It wasn't unreasonable for him to be attracted to her given the state of his marriage, but he WAS married and so he turned away from her and gave his marriage another chance. Once it became clear to him that mom was not interested, he filed for divorce and moved out. Mom was shortly served and they were divorced 90 days later. After the divorce was final, he started dating "Betty" and a few months later they married.
---> Mom maintained and fostered the fiction that Betty was a 'home wrecker' and Dad had 'cheated' on her. Her parents believed it, my sisters believed it...I didn't; partly because I was the last child to leave the 'nest' and partly because I ran in the same social circle and there would have been too many people who would have been only too happy to tell me. It wasn't until late in Mom's life that she admitted that she had lied...the truth was that she didn't want to take responsibility for her choices and she knew Dad well enough that he would never say otherwise.
---> Bottom line...you don't have to explain your side to BM; she already knows the truth.
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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SOunds weird, but if you are religious sometimes it helps to talk to someone at church about your feelings.
Laugh all you want, but sometimes confession feels good. Get it off your chest, do some type of penance and then move on.
My doctor is Catholic and I am too. I had some stuff bothering me. She actually said that confession and penance might help me. It did. I let go of the stuff that was causing me lots of stress and messing with my health. Logically, I know that it was a mind over matter kind of thing. But, it did help.
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annieo
veteran
Reged: 07/07/10
Posts: 1410
Loc: Pacific Northwest
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I don't think it sounds weird - but then again I'm Catholic and if God can forgive me I should be able to let it go and forgive myself too.
Even if you aren't religious - you have to move past what happened - you cannot change it you can only move forward in a healthy manner.
I think it is elliesmom who has a signature line that says something along the lines of "forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed" That line made me smile the first time I read it and I wanted to steal it because it is so very true - you have to forgive yourself for any part you may have played or even think you played so you can let it go.
ETA: Yep - EM's signature line - love it =)
Edited by annieo (05/24/12 05:16 PM)
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