' while you don't think that he needs you, clearly he wants you in his life, because you offer him something he could not have without you'
Oh yes, I know I offer something that he could not have without me. At least not right away.
Like : a regular sex life with someone who lovingly takes care of his kid & keeps his social network intact & does all the 'family managing' & keeps the house and finances in order, plus the prestige that goes along with having an attractive wife who has a high academic degree, is fluent in 4 languages and is someone you can show off to clients....'.
If you add respect, friendship and lots of support for his career to all of the above, I think I do indeed offer a lot.
My problem is not that I think I would like to offer something and he does not give me a chance. My problem is not that I don't get compliments for all I have to offer. My problem is not that I do not feel appreciated in my marriage and as a result fall for every creep who tells me how wonderful I am. And my problem is not that my husband does not offer as many good qualities. My problem is/was that this marriage sometimes feels like a business relationship between friends, and I would like to take it to a deeper level. But then if that level was never there in the first place, how do you get there?
You want to know what a first conversation with my husband about very personal things was like:
Childhood?
My childhood was like every childhood. Some things good, some things less good.
Relationships?
What do you call a relationship? There were a couple of girls, but I had to concentrate on my studies. Nothing long-term or serious, only holiday flirts.
And now you can pick whatever personal topic you like, these things that people in love spend long hours confessing and discussing, we maybe spend like 20 minutes on that and talked instead about stockmarkets, politics, religion, architecture and were fascinated. We can still talk for hours and hours, as long as there is nothing personal involved. When it gets personal, it is like he feels threatened - and to be honest, I feel threatened. We both are not comfortable talking about feelings. It is always horrible. Feels unnatural, feels wrong. Wasn't there from the start and will probably never be there.
I guess our marriage follows the famous saying
'Marriage is not about looking into each other's eyes but about looking into the same direction.'
It is just that sometimes everyone would like to do just that 'spend a little time looking into someone else's eyes'.
I can do this with a few special girl-friends, I can do this with our child. So I am not leading a life of loneliness or emotional isolation. My life is not bad. It is not bad at all. But I cannot see what I can do to build a marriage that feels safe and strong and unvulnerable, because I don't know how to magically create something that just wasn't there from the start. And I still can get stomach cramps and panic attacks when I hear that the OM is anywhere close to where we are, because I don't feel up to the temptation to look into his eyes. Because they feel like home, with him talking about personal things felt natural. Okay, I really should stop this, I feel it makes me sentimental and sick.
By the way all the best for your marriage, too.
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