PhoenixRising
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/05/07
Posts: 3681
Loc: New York
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Re: angry 12 year old son
01/16/07 04:36 PM
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I had a similar situation with my 12-year-old son; only he went through his angry stage at 11.
I am not sure what helped the most but here is some of what I "think" turned things around.
1. Family therapy for 9yr old, 12yr old, and myself. We have a "play therapist,” so there is always a game of something going on (it takes away the intensity of having to talk "eye to eye").
I have learned to be less of a "butt wiper" (not much less but getting better at giving them independence). They are learning to deal with change and not all change is bad.
Therapy is not instantaneous. Some of what is said might not sink in for years. It is just another opportunity to plant the “seeds of their success.”
With pubescents and adolescents, I believe that what you want them to do is to make “conscious decisions”, not to just follow the crowd, or just zone out with video games, or just “react.” This is the stage where they need to make conscious choices based on options and consequences.
2. I got one of his teachers to take a personal interest.
He said, "You know N, I coach volleyball after school, I am short a helper to assist keeping score and with logistics, do you think you could help me out just for today?"
He ended up trying out for the team and has gone ever since.
THEN the same teacher arranged for the computer teacher to short of "run into them" in the hallway. He got to talking about his problems in the computer lab and the teacher said "You know N, you are so good at games and stuff, I bet you would be a real help down there".
Things took off from there, he joined the media club, and he now produces the TV broadcast of the school's weekly news show.
He has a nice group of friends even a few friends that are "girls.”
Lastly, we talk a lot. I don't know if parents are supposed to pretend to be all knowing and perfect but I don't.
For instance, I am a procrastinator. Something, he gets in big trouble for at school. We laugh, we try to change, and we then both pull all-nighters getting our school projects done.
I tell him when I make mistakes and I apologize.
He knows he and his brother always come first with me. That I do not judge people and that I love unconditionally.
Twelve is such a great and important developmental age. I hope you can get through to him.
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