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Divorce Source Community Forums >> Domestic Violence/Abuse

Tim_M
journeyman

Reged: 07/15/07
Posts: 87
Loc: Missouri

Re: Reversed role emotional abuse

07/29/07 07:16 PM

Thankyou, EMILAR, for your kind words and advice. We seem to have some similar circumstances.
I did not get the opportunity to bring counseling up at the OP hearing -- it was strictly limited to the consent decree. My next hearing is October 17 (the same day my dad was killed by a drunk driver, when I was 15 years old.) I AM contesting the divorce, which means that in the hearing, she will need to prove to the judge 1 of 5 faults. Only one fault is applicable: whether it is intolerable to live with me; the other 4 faults do not fit our circumstances. The judge will either agree that the marriage is broken (and grant the divorce,) or order a legal separation to "encourage" marital counseling (not mandatory,) or rule that the marriage is not broken (and deny the divorce.) It probably won't be too difficult for her to prevail, because much of it is perception: whether or not SHE thinks that it is intolerable to live with me. But it does slow the process down, giving her time to think more about the absolute emotional, spiritual, and financial ruin that this divorce would entail. (Our debts exceed our assets by a factor of 3.0

I intend to bring up her emotional abuse at this hearing, but I will also stress that it doesn't reduce my love for her one iota. It simply means that our marriage needs professional help, which is something that has not even been tried. It will also indicate to the judge the possibility that my daughter is now a surrogate victim of emotional abuse, now that I am not present for her to inflict it upon me. I am hopeful that he will order an investigation into the matter. She will probably bring up my alleged abuse in return, but I adamently deny that there has ever been any abuse at all from me -- physical, verbal, or otherwise. I am simply morally incapable of such actions.

It may seem strange to many people reading this that my life is ruled by the Bible. All of my actions within the home have been done in love for my wife and children, as Christ loves His Church. But she is free to lie on the stand, and it will come down to whom the judge believes.

I truly do absolutely love my wife, despite all that has happened, and I recognize that she very well may prevail. But I also am a very forgiving man, and DO believe that our marriage and family CAN be salvaged with a period of separation coupled with individual, family, and marital counseling. When I married her 'til Death do us part,' I meant every word. The only two things in this life that matter to me, besides Salvation itself, are my marriage and my family.

You are right -- it was a stupid thing for me to send her flowers, which were cancelled in time. It came from my heart, but in light of the situation, would not have looked good.

Right now, my attorney is negotiating with her attorney to set up a visitation with my daughter, in the presence of a therapist on neutral ground. It is my prayer that our relationship can at least begin to heal. But right now, my wife is not communicating with me at all, and is refusing to let my daughter communicate with me either. This IS parental alienation, which I consider to be an insidious form of emotional abuse targeted at both me and my daughter. It will not look good to the judge, according to my attorney, but because my daughter is 15 yrs old, her own opinion will carry weight with the judge when it comes to custody. And right now, she is under the influence of my wife, while I have no influence over her at all, other than the letters I mail to her, and which I do not know if they are being intercepted by my wife.

The moment a divorce is decreed, I will move to have my daughter (illegally taken across state lines without a court order) returned to Missouri. My attorney says that the judge would then immediately order her return, pending another hearing that must be at least 60 days after the motion is made. I will also immediately move for an investigation, ordered by the court, into the probable emotional abuse that is affecting both me and my daughter. She is STILL inflicting emotional abuse on me: She is forcing me to live on limited resources (food stamps) while she is pulling in $80,000/year in income. She is denying me access or communications with my daughter, and even took two of MY cats, which could provide me with some emotional comfort. All of these, along with past actions (isolating me from friends and family, objecting to any independent actions of my own like meeting new friends, going to church, or even attending classes at the local university, constantly criticizing any suggestions or ideas that I brought up -- to the point of ridicule, making all major decisions without even giving me any input, accusing me of being unfaithful when I was not -- and didn't even have the opportunity, withholding sex as a weapon, undermining my parental authority in front of the children, and both concealing and controlling all financial information,) are classic signs of emotional abuse. So is alleging false abuse. Whether any of this gets me anywhere, only God knows.

I was rated at 50% by DoD, but only 10% by the VA for a training injury during the 1st Gulf War. The VA denied my claim twice before granting a reduced rating, and this is standard practice by them. Another soldier who was injured in the same explosion suffered massive brain damage, and he too was denied VA disability twice, over the 3 years it took for our claims to be processed. This happened under 1st Bush and Clinton, so ALL of our presidents, along with the Congress, have failed our wounded veterans terribly.

I am told that new regulations (emanating from where, I know not) require that I reapply for my benefits. This has to be done in Omaha (90 miles away), and will present some difficulties for me, as my back pain requires high doses of narcotics, and driving that amount of distance is not to my liking. I also lack money for $3/gallon gas!

My medical disabilities are well-documented. Explosives tend to inflict damage on human bodies, and being pinned by an 1,800 lb bull to a fence tends to cause problems as well. My wife was present at EVERY single medical appointment I had, and knows full well that I cannot work at all. So does the judge -- he used to attend the same church, where prayers were frequently offered for my healing. Her current legal position that I "am capable of employment" must simply be a negotiating tactic.

Yesterday, I was denied my SSD application (because I only had 20 of 23 needed "work credits,") so I must now apply for SSI, which is based on need and is much lower in compensation.

But my attorney says that I have 8 strong factors in my favor for lifetime alimony (which I won't list here because of length.) He also says that she will most likely end up paying all of my attorney fees, but this is within the judge's broad discretion.

Yes, there are some good people here in this forum, and I have gratefully welcomed their advice. They advised me not to send my wife flowers, so I cancelled the order.

My biggest problem right now is complete loneliness. All of my friends and family have disappeared, and I am isolated in a county of 7,000 people with little money for travel to the nearest major town, which is 45 miles away. Nobody but my attorney has talked with me for some time, and the minutes crawl. I play the electric guitar and write my own music, which does seem to calm my anxieties down, but I admit that all of the music I now write is extremely melancholic, and I am severely depressed (even with medication.) I try to just make it day by day, but it is getting more difficult each day, not easier. I think of suicide a lot, but am not suicidal (in other words, I wouldn't do it to myself, but if I suddenly died, it would be welcome.) My entire life of dreams has dissolved; I no longer dream. It seems like I lived in vain, and all of the past sexual, physical, and emotional abuse that I have suffered, along with significant pain from my spine, are all ganging up on me at once. I don't like "playing" the victim, but circumstances are beyond my control to do anything about it. I sincerely wish I had never even been born.

But for all of this, I still just want to save my marriage and family...

Sorry that this message is so lengthy!

Post Extras

Entire topic
Subject	Posted by	Posted on
Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	07/18/07 08:37 AM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	almostheaven	07/18/07 07:26 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	googledad	07/18/07 11:04 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	almostheaven	07/19/07 09:09 AM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Relayer	07/19/07 05:15 AM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	07/19/07 07:56 AM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Relayer	07/19/07 02:14 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	07/19/07 03:30 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	almostheaven	07/19/07 05:42 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	07/19/07 05:48 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Relayer	07/19/07 05:46 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	08/02/07 01:35 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	emilar	08/02/07 06:32 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	08/02/07 07:09 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	April9418	08/06/07 06:20 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	08/06/07 06:40 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	08/09/07 11:21 AM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Relayer	08/09/07 06:10 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	08/10/07 09:01 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	emilar	08/11/07 09:50 AM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Relayer	08/11/07 04:27 AM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	08/11/07 07:28 AM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Relayer	08/11/07 08:48 AM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	08/11/07 10:53 AM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Relayer	08/11/07 03:59 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	emilar	08/11/07 07:09 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Relayer	08/11/07 07:32 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	08/12/07 10:22 AM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	emilar	08/12/07 12:00 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	08/12/07 12:48 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Relayer	08/12/07 03:14 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	08/12/07 08:22 PM
I have an unrelated question...	almostheaven	08/12/07 09:06 PM
Re: I have an unrelated question...	Tim_M	08/12/07 09:19 PM
Re: I have an unrelated question...	almostheaven	08/12/07 10:47 PM
BTW...	almostheaven	08/12/07 10:51 PM
Re: BTW...	Relayer	08/13/07 04:15 AM
Re: BTW...	emilar	08/13/07 06:32 AM
Re: BTW...	Tim_M	08/13/07 06:46 AM
Re: BTW...	Relayer	08/13/07 08:01 AM
Re: BTW...	Tim_M	08/13/07 10:37 AM
Re: BTW...	emilar	08/16/07 11:04 AM
Re: BTW...	Tim_M	08/16/07 12:28 PM
Re: BTW...	emilar	08/17/07 08:08 AM
Re: BTW...	Tim_M	08/17/07 08:38 AM
Re: BTW...	Tim_M	08/17/07 12:24 PM
Re: BTW...	Tim_M	08/18/07 08:01 AM
Re: BTW...	Relayer	08/18/07 10:09 AM
Re: BTW...	Tim_M	08/18/07 10:15 AM
Re: BTW...	almostheaven	08/18/07 10:15 AM
Re: BTW...	Relayer	08/18/07 10:53 AM
Re: BTW...	emilar	08/18/07 11:11 AM
Re: BTW...	Tim_M	08/18/07 11:29 AM
Re: BTW...	Relayer	08/18/07 11:48 AM
Re: BTW...	Tim_M	08/18/07 02:07 PM
Re: BTW...	Relayer	08/18/07 02:46 PM
Re: BTW...	emilar	08/19/07 11:23 AM
Re: BTW...	emilar	08/29/07 07:42 PM
Re: BTW...	Tim_M	08/30/07 07:23 AM
Re: BTW...	emilar	09/29/07 08:47 PM
Re: BTW...	Tim_M	09/30/07 07:40 AM
Re: BTW...	emilar	09/30/07 09:30 AM
Re: BTW...	Tim_M	09/30/07 09:57 AM
Re: BTW...	emilar	11/13/07 05:49 PM
Re: BTW...	emilar	08/18/07 11:41 AM
Re: BTW...	Relayer	08/18/07 11:15 AM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	08/09/07 06:39 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	almostheaven	08/09/07 05:22 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	08/09/07 06:14 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	almostheaven	08/09/07 06:25 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	08/09/07 06:40 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	08/09/07 01:02 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	emilar	08/09/07 04:20 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	08/09/07 06:47 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	emilar	08/10/07 08:58 AM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	08/10/07 01:44 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	emilar	08/10/07 03:50 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	08/10/07 07:59 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Relayer	08/09/07 05:15 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	almostheaven	08/09/07 05:23 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	07/20/07 07:52 AM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	almostheaven	07/20/07 06:16 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	07/20/07 08:42 PM
CANCEL THEM!!!!!!	almostheaven	07/20/07 08:45 PM
Not to mention...	almostheaven	07/20/07 08:46 PM
Re: Not to mention...	Tim_M	07/20/07 08:49 PM
Re: Not to mention...	almostheaven	07/20/07 08:54 PM
Re: Not to mention...	Tim_M	07/20/07 09:00 PM
Re: Not to mention...	Tim_M	07/20/07 09:04 PM
Re: Not to mention...	Relayer	07/21/07 04:04 AM
Re: Not to mention...	Tim_M	07/21/07 11:55 AM
Exactly...	almostheaven	07/21/07 08:26 PM
Re: Exactly...	Relayer	07/22/07 05:34 AM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Relayer	07/20/07 08:01 AM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	07/20/07 09:20 AM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Relayer	07/20/07 10:25 AM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	almostheaven	07/19/07 05:48 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Relayer	07/18/07 10:13 AM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	07/18/07 12:55 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Relayer	07/18/07 01:50 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	07/18/07 02:13 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Relayer	08/12/07 09:36 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	jaiye	07/23/07 08:50 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	07/23/07 09:04 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	emilar	07/29/07 06:00 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	07/29/07 07:16 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	emilar	07/29/07 08:15 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	07/29/07 08:43 PM
As an aside...	almostheaven	07/29/07 09:21 PM
Re: As an aside...	Relayer	07/30/07 06:07 AM
Re: As an aside...	almostheaven	07/30/07 11:18 AM
Re: As an aside...	Tim_M	07/30/07 06:10 AM
Re: As an aside...	Relayer	07/30/07 06:30 AM
Re: As an aside...	Tim_M	07/30/07 06:36 AM
Re: As an aside...	Relayer	07/30/07 08:02 AM
Re: As an aside...	Tim_M	07/30/07 08:54 AM
Actually, you do have an out...	almostheaven	07/30/07 11:20 AM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Tim_M	07/30/07 11:29 AM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Relayer	07/30/07 12:50 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Tim_M	07/30/07 01:07 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Relayer	07/30/07 01:39 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Tim_M	07/30/07 02:31 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Tim_M	07/30/07 04:05 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	almostheaven	07/30/07 10:02 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Relayer	07/30/07 06:55 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Tim_M	07/30/07 07:29 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	almostheaven	07/30/07 10:07 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Tim_M	07/31/07 05:31 AM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	emilar	07/31/07 09:44 AM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Tim_M	07/31/07 10:13 AM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	emilar	07/31/07 10:20 AM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Tim_M	07/31/07 11:09 AM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	almostheaven	07/31/07 10:20 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Tim_M	08/01/07 07:33 AM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Relayer	07/31/07 12:04 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Tim_M	07/31/07 12:17 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Relayer	07/31/07 12:21 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	almostheaven	07/31/07 10:21 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Tim_M	07/31/07 12:24 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	almostheaven	07/31/07 10:22 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Relayer	07/31/07 12:36 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Relayer	07/31/07 12:36 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Tim_M	07/31/07 12:47 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	emilar	07/31/07 01:22 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Tim_M	07/31/07 01:46 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	emilar	07/31/07 02:42 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Tim_M	07/31/07 03:33 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	emilar	07/31/07 07:28 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Tim_M	07/31/07 07:37 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Tim_M	07/31/07 07:39 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	almostheaven	07/31/07 10:25 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	emilar	07/31/07 09:23 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Tim_M	08/01/07 07:49 AM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	emilar	08/01/07 06:12 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Tim_M	08/01/07 06:32 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	emilar	08/01/07 06:49 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Tim_M	08/01/07 07:07 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	emilar	08/01/07 07:16 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	emilar	08/01/07 07:32 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Relayer	07/31/07 01:11 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Tim_M	07/31/07 01:14 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	emilar	07/30/07 07:23 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Tim_M	07/30/07 07:33 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	emilar	07/30/07 07:55 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Tim_M	07/30/07 08:23 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	emilar	07/30/07 09:00 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	Tim_M	07/30/07 09:18 PM
Re: Actually, you do have an out...	emilar	07/30/07 10:07 PM
Re: As an aside...	Relayer	07/30/07 08:56 AM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	emilar	07/29/07 09:07 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Relayer	07/18/07 02:43 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	07/18/07 02:55 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Relayer	07/18/07 04:20 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	07/18/07 06:17 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Relayer	07/18/07 06:43 PM
Re: Reversed role emotional abuse	Tim_M	07/18/07 07:14 PM

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