Renee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
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Re: Looking for opinions
10/04/07 12:07 AM
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Whether this woman is in another country or living down the street, I think she has less bearing on your relationship with him than your own insecurities do. You are feeling insecure that if this chippy shows up on his doorstep again that he's going to bail on you to be with her. You've seen the letters / cards from this old love, you see how she's after him, he's been honest and told you the background between them, and you're worried.
So I have to ask, do you trust him? Don't answer me with a 'yes but I don't trust her' - you don't need to trust her. She can be the biggest, skankiest ho with neon lights over her head and tassels hanging from her chest, but SHE doesn't owe you anything. HE DOES.
So do you trust HIM? Can you look at him and know that his love for you and his committment to your relationship are strong enough to withstand temptation?
While you're pondering the answers, consider this:
1) Lost loves are lost for a reason. Something about them was incompatible in the first place or they would never have split 20 yrs ago.
2) Hooking up for old times sake is an exercise in reliving the Past, not building a future. Its easy, its temporary, and its not built to withstand the day-to-day doldrums of life. Its escapism, pure and simple.
3) The more you consider this woman a threat and give him hell over her, the more power you are giving her in YOUR relationship. STOP IT. Dismiss her for what she was: a hookuup with an old fling before he met you, who is so emotionally needy that she sends an old lover cards from thousands of miles away. The more you validate her pathetic attempts to woo him by demanding he cut her off, the more needy YOU start to look also.
Dismiss the wench as a threat, and get to the core of your insecurity. Is it that you don't trust him? Why not? Is it that you think you can't compete? Why not? Do you feel like he's settling for you because she's not available? Why?
Whatever you do, you need to back up and punt in your attempts to declare your territory. He's probably looking at you like you're insane by ordering him to cut off contact with a woman so far away. There are much more subtle ways, ways that do not require controlling his behavior, to neutralize the threat.
Like, adding her to your Christmas card list. Be sure to include an informal update about the engagement along with a very nice photo of the two of you together (ring displayed prominently), and add kind words on how he's told you all about her, and that you both hope she finds someone special to share Christmas with. It may not slow her down, but it puts her on notice, and trying to woo great sex I mean a great man from so far away when he has a fiancee will become wayyy too much work!
My two cents anyways... Good luck-
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