BillRJohnston
newbie
Reged: 12/14/07
Posts: 26
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Need some advice - Im so lost
12/14/07 11:41 AM
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I am married 3 years but have been with my wife for 11. My wife and I have considered our relationship very unique because we are such good friends and we have such a strong tie to each other. Every year of our relationship we would both say we were more in love with each other every year ... ok to the bad part ...
Last year my wife took a trip with some girlfriends and got very drunk ... she ended up talking to and making out with some guy in a bar. I found out from her girlfriends and she did not deny it, only to say she was very drunk and she didn't know why she let her guard down. I accept that people make mistakes and since we have been together for so long it was excused and we resumed our relationship.
Every thing seemed ok, but we were going through some difficulties this year with finances. She seemed fairly normal up until about a month and a half ago when we both returned from our respective business trips. She seemed distant and not her loving self. I wrote it off as the money and house situation, but it continued. A couple weeks had gone by and I had done alot of thinking and discussed taking the financial problems out of our relationship, which I did. I bent over backwards to get the feeling of when we first started dating back into our relationship when I noticed a phone number on her phone at midnight that she had called. I almost dismissed it but the fact that the phone had no name to it and she had called it right before we went to bed. I went back to her phone and noticed that there were some text messages to and from that same number. I went online and looked at our phone statement only to find that she had been texting and calling this guy for the past month, sometimes 10+ times a day. I would notice times if I went to the store there would be activity. It seemed like any moment I turned my back she was texting him.
I did some looking and found it was a client of the company that she worked for, and that there was a happy hour the next day that she was planning to attend. She told me where she was going for the happy hour and I planned to show up there to see if anything was going on. When I showed up, she was not there and the networking group was not there either. I called her on her phone and she lied saying that she was there until I said - You cant be, Im standing in the restaurant.
She came right home and I confronted her. She said she was at a differnt restaurant in another town and that the plans had changed days before but she didnt feel like explaining to me. She did not say sorry or even seem appologetic. She even seemed a little annoyed I had checked up on her. I threatened to send the phone bill to this guy she had phone relations with and to tell her boss that she had been doing this with a client of theirs out of frustration and she freaked out. She had recently gotten a promotion and seemed to now feel important at her job.
After a day we talked about it. We went straight to a marriage councelor and my wife said she did not have sexual feelings for this guy and that she had never met him except for the networking event one month before. She agreed with out hesitation that all communications were done. I spoke to the guy and he seemed so afraid his wife would find out that he more than agreed.
She still a week later felt cold. She told the councelor and myself that she was worried that she didnt know why she had changed her feelings in our relationship. She also said she had worried for years that she would have a hard time being faithful. Her definition of not being faithful was this flirting with men and kissing at bars - nothing past that. She also said she feered she had given so much in our relationship and she now felt she was going to be asked to make more of an effort and she just felt frustrated.
I was dealing with all of this when a week into counceling and her saying that of course she stopped communications with the guy, when I found she was e-mailing him. Short little sexual things like "Im touching myself." crazy thing - and dont ask how I know this but I do - she wasnt doing any of the things she was writing to this guy??????
Now, when it rains it pours, I peaked at her e-mail further to find out that there was another client she was bantering sexual inuendos with. This guy lives half way across the US so I know there wasn't anything physical, but the messaging disgusted me and their were hints that they were talking periodically from her work phone????? One other note - the e-mails she was writing to the guy I confronted her about were not being replied to by the man. He seemed to be ignoring her.
I have not confronted her about the knowledge that I have about this other guy and that she was continuing contact with guy 1. I figure, what good would it do when we are in counceling for this problem - all it would do is make her think she is even worse than already thought and there is no reason to try to rebuild anything.
She recently broke off communications on her own with guy 2 and I havent seen anything about guy 1. She is talking about maybe needing time, but I am not interested in giving her a half a year to figure herself out. She has always been addicted to gratification from friends, men, strangers, her work and I have always felt in a sort of competition for some reason. She did say that she just wanted to feel happy and the guy she talked to seemed to think good things about her and not judge her.
My questions - is it possible to find ground to rebuild? How after 11 years can someone just change like this and is it maybe just a phase? Is this texting really cheating if she is only seeking gratification and there is nothing physical and it was only for a month?
This was my best friend and sould mate. She seems to be trying to get back into our relationship but some days she still feels distant and like she is too good for our relationship. She said she wished we could be "attached" again but the feeling is buried ... Why am I working so hard to stabilize our relationship when she probably cheated on me even if it was emotional, worries she may do it again in the future, is afraid she may have already abandoned the relationship, and doesn't feel like she can give the extra effort to our relationship to recover.
Edited by BillRJohnston (12/14/07 01:01 PM)
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