rizzinstl
newbie
Reged: 11/13/08
Posts: 32
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just venting
11/30/08 11:47 PM
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I find my self in total disgust with my situation. I get mad because I dont have a backbone, I always second guess myself and the way things are in my life. Am I to blame? yes I can cast some evil looks. I can not forgive or forget all that he has done to me. I have a hard time with hiding my inner feelings. I cant help it I feel nothing most days except hate for him. I hate what we have become. I hate that I have to wake up and see him still breathing next to me. I feel like my life is in a total tailspin. most days I am a emotinal mess, and have been for a few years now. I feel like there is no way out. I have no education I am 40 years old and have very small children 2 and 5. What the hell am I gonna do. I am trapped and he knows it.
He has been off work since Thanksgiving for 4 days and it has almost been like torture to have to be home with him. He snaps if I say the wrong thing or not in the tone he thinks I should, or tells me I meant it this way when I say somthing. Yesterday he took our 5 year old son with him becasue he wanted to go with his Daddy for the day. He was going to a gun show(not what I like but...) He has taken the 5 year old with him maybe 5 or 6 times with him for the day. He has never taken the 2 year old and has never had them both together..It seems to be to stressfull for him. Long story short when they came home he proceeded to tell me how our Son whined all day and threw some kind of fit over a toy(welcome to my world) That is a 5 year old boy! He then goes on and on about what a wussy but with a p he is. This broke my heart in two! How can a man say that about his Son. This is not the first time he has said it. I say i dont give a rats a s s if he want's to be on broadway waving spirt fingers in the all that jazz show! He is still my Son! I told him he needed to be more involed with him and get off the computer and work on letters with him or read him a book. This made him so mad he started yelling at me. Saying"how did I know this would be my fault". Today my Son has not been feeling well, he has had tummy ache since last night. He woke me up in the middle of the night felling very bad. So later he was going to the bathroom and called for me. I went upstairs and he had gone a little diarrhea in his underpants. He begged me not to tell his Daddy. I said dont worry its just cuz you dont feel good. I was really concered that he was so scared about his Daddy knowing. I cleaned him up gave him a bath and came down to put his underpants in the wash. I told my husband how scared he was in a voice like dont be mad at him comfort him. My husbands response was..."What are we gonna do with him?" I got defensive! And said in a stern way What do you mean ? He lost it ! stared yelling and going off and telling me what a bit ch I was. Then he called me a F-in pig.
I ask, Would you be concerned if the father of your son was always worried about him being a wus? He is a normal boy to me..Yes he whines. He is 5. Yes he is dramatic when he gets hurt or sick. Again he is 5. Does he play with Barie and baby dolls? no. He love Army stuff and super heros, and constuction tool play toys. Now my 2 year old is a complete brut. He is "as they say" All boy. I see that my husband treats him better. Not by much but I see it in his tone and in his actions. I feel it is really hurting my older Son and it is killing me inside. I spent a half hour in the Laundry room crying over it...It is time to quit crying and do somthing about it before he ruins all of our lives. I just cant get the nerve. The thought of the money for a divorce makes me so scared.
This is the straw that shows me this dude is really f-ed up.
sorry so long and I rambled..It helps to write it down.
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