blueskies
recently joined
Reged: 12/19/08
Posts: 2
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New here- Need to find the strength to stay away
12/19/08 07:54 PM
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Hello I am 26 years old. I was with my husband since i was 15 years old. We have a 3.5 year old daughter. The abuse started years ago and it just started with a push here and there and then it slowly escalted. He always broke stuff i just thought it was normal even though i wasnt raised that way. I never told anyone what was going on to embarrased. When i was pregnant he left me for someone else. I was torn apart. I remember that being the "worst" he came back and i took him back. Soon after that the abuse got much worse he was no longer just pushing me and braking things. He was ripping me out of bed by my hair and kicking me over and over again. I remember wearing sweaters in the middle of summer to hide my bruises. each time he would say he was sorry and it would never happen again and i could never even remember what i did to set him off. The past year and a half was the worst. there has been so many times he has hurt me i cant even remember them all only the big ones stick out in my mind. Last year we were arguing in the car and my daughter was in the back seat. he started punching me over and over again in my arm i remember screaming and him grabbing me by the hair and throwing my head into the window and my daughter screaming. If we were laying in bed and i said something he didnt like he would either punch me in the head or in the back of my leg as hard as he could. Last year i found out he was cheating on me and i confronted him about it. He kicked me between the legs so hard i fell to the ground i remember screamig and crawling on the ground and my daughter screaming dont hurt my mommy. Between my legs was so purple for weeks i still have problems going to the bathroom. The abuse got much worse from that point. I cried all the time but was so afraid to leave. What would he do to me. Would he kill me would he take my baby away from me? All of these things would go through my mind cosntanly i hated him so much then all of a sudden he would be so nice. Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde personlity and i would be in love with him all over again. on more than one occasion he ripped me from bed by my hair and held me down on the floor by my neck and squeezed my mouth. On mothers day i was making breakfast and he came in and threw all of the pans on the floor. and screamed at me.. Some nights my daughter would come out of her room to see me on the floor with a bloody lip shaking and screaming and i would hold her in my arms telling her everything was alright. and he would come back out and i would shield her and try to protect her while he punched me.
People that have never been through this have no idea why we stay or put up with it but the abuse kills you inside makes you go on autopilot. You detach yoruself from everyone and everything. This past november i finally left. He showed up at my work which is a school and was banging on the door. I called the police and ended up getting a pfa which jsut turned into a long term pfa from me for a year. He does get to see our daughter a few times a week. I have never been happier but still there is an ounce of me that wants to go back. I am afraid. scared and know i cant. please help me. I am so afraid of being alone and so afraid of him.
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