Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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Re: Way to block pain / triggers
02/19/10 07:03 PM
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Bacall, I certainly do not have any answers and your post comes at an interesting time….triggers you mention…well tonight for the first time in many years I had a trigger…My X turns 60 today and info from the family indicates he is having a big birthday bash…all the family will be there, one of which I was a part of for 30 yrs. For the first time I felt the pull of nostalgia…the sadness at what was lost and what I am no longer part of…he is remarried to the woman he left me for and living a wonderful life…I felt a huge loss of regret, sadness but with that my whacky sense of humor surfaced and I realize that’s it OVER….he made his choice and is living his life.
How do you actively stop your mind? Well try not to go there, it’s the past, its over…spouses that left us especially when they are remarried aren’t worth the time that they take up in our heads…how many years has it been? For me almost ten now…its done…over and I have no idea why that fleeting moment of melancholy slipped in there…and trust me I smooshed it out really fast…I have a really good life and so many things to be thankful for…clinging to what was, what I lost is just not where I want to be…I can’t play the victim about it…
Yes we have children together like you did with your spouse…but living reminders? I can understand that because my YS is a strong image of my X but I focus on my son and who he is and not in relation to my X.
I do not know what to tell you….except they are gone, the marriage is over and hanging on serves no purpose…except holding us back. Life is just too short to regret the past and ruin today….today is all we have…tomorrow is not promised to anyone….
The what ifs’ you mention…they don’t work for me…there were no chances were what if’s …..the x found someone else… I was replaced….from what I hear she is beautiful, intelligent and nice…my energies are better spent on other pursuits than dwelling on what ifs…they have no relevancy to me….
I had to move forward and focus on ME…..ME…..ME…and my family…..I learned to focus on my children, my friends, my life and enjoy that…and move forward….
As I said I don’t have any answers…I don’t know how to stop going back to the marriage and what was and what ifs’…..I have a great life now and have adjusted really well to my single life and actually like it. I do what I want and go where I go and answer to only me….I find it very liberating….I am fortunate that I have always worked, have enough to support me and can do what I want…I have become very selfish in my life pursuits…I have good friends, great family and enjoy my children but I also cherish the days when they are me days and I can do what I want without considering anyone except me.
Reality plays a big part....those X's that left are gone....they aren't coming back....they chose other women....not much we can do.....
My former family are right down the road from me celebrating an event that I would have been part of...I am not...so here I am...sipping a glass of wine and realizing that the marriage was over...thats why he left...and I am happier now in my life.....
makes no sense but "it is what it is"
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