Hello everyone - Hope everyone has/is having a good holiday weekend.
I've come to this board many a time for solace, and have always found emphathetic minds, hearts and souls. So, once again, I turn to you -- my invisible friends (so to speak!), for advice, comfort and prayers (whatever your religious inclinations).
My son is getting married soon and it is a destination wedding. I just found out that my ex-spouse and his wife are attending. Shouldn't have been a big surprise, but initially I had heard that he was coming alone, and I felt I could handle that. I felt all along that for one reason or another that she would, indeed, accompany him.
I have spent the last couple of days looking at old pictures, trying to put together some remembrances for my son (of his childhood). The pictures of my children are like all pictures of children -- happy and laughing. But, I have been struck by the look on my face -- happy and smiling, also, generally surrounded by my children. I forgot I could smile like that. I chose a few of him and our children, a few of me and the children and some of both of us together (we took a lot of "family" pictures -- although this has made me realize that one thing I am going to do is take a photography class!).
Anyway, I've been pretty emotional lately (what news is that?), but finding out about his wife coming and thinking ahead of how alone I am going to feel -- and how out of place I am going to feel -- is, momentarily, driving me a bit crazy. I am so weary of feeling so much pain in situations where I should, instead, be feeling so much happiness.
I have attended two weddings in the last couple of years where there has been a woman in my situation. Both times, I could read the pain on their faces although both conducted themselves graciously. One of the situations actually brought tears to my eyes because I could feel her sense of how her daughter's wedding should have been, partly at least, "her" day, too. After all, she brought her into the world. Instead, she got to walk down the aisle after the ceremony all alone, while her husband walked his brand new and improved wife. She put on a gallant half-smile, but I knew how she felt.
Now, I am going to be in the place of that woman.
I know I will do my best to "pretend," but I guess right now, in writing this, I just don't want to pretend. I want to say how much this hurts and how unfair I think this all has been. I've been tiptoeing around now for years, always thinking of everyone else -- how important it is to protect everyone else's feelings.
I feel like a hypocrite and that is not a helpful feeling either. I have one girlfriend who recommends that I don't go -- I have one who suggests that reading a book by the water will do the trick -- needless to say, both of these ideas aren't too valuable to me, but I appreciate them talking to me.
Well, what I'm really doing is just venting so that I can gradually release these feelings of pain and just try to be happy for my son and his soon-bride-to-be.
I guess I'm just tired of everything being so hard so much of the time and I'm so very tired of feeling so much pain.
I apologize in advance for the self-pity. I just had to write these feelings down and there isn't a place better than this DS board.
I'm guessing some of you may have gone through this before and I remember some comments, but if any of you have any suggestions or recommendations, please share them with me.
Also, I really, really would appreciate some prayers for this occasion.
With gratitude, bacall