Woah - I came here to ask a question about CS and a PT gig. And it turns into a cheater bashing session.
Gr8dad, I can't make it right for you. In fact, nothing I could ever say about the changes I've made in MY life (however wonderful they are, and with the support of my current husband, focused on our children), the forgiveness and mercy I've experienced in doing so - NONE of that will ever make it right for YOU.
But I'm not your X. And I've not experienced what you have. And it doesn't matter what I have to say, it doesn't matter what deception I experienced LONG before I ever considered having an affair, it will NEVER be enough for you.
Gloriously, I also know that's not my problem to fix.
I don't think I said I couldn't find another position in my field. I said if I attempted to do so after several years detached from it, in this economy, it would be nearly impossible. The times I tried, the offers were at a THIRD of the income I had made previously, with a no-name companies. And by the time the costs of CS, daycare, etc. were calculated - alongside the most promising prospect which had an international travel requirement - it made no sense to do that. There was no benefit to our child(ren).
Furthermore, I was NOT about to put our child in a situation where she would be under the solo care of my current husband, even with having a sister (who IS my husband's) in the same household. My oldest is not his responsibility. She's mine.
It's not that I don't trust my current husband. I don't trust my X. I've seen too many of my well-intended actions - in an effort to show "good faith" - twisted and manipulated to the point that you'd think I'd murdered the pope, julienned him, and tossed him in a salad for lunch. And if I were a betting woman, Gr8dad, I'd put a dollar down that you do the same concerning your X.
I'm sure you're aware of parental alienation, and the full throttle attack being the claim of sexual abuse. No way, buddy. Not in this lifetime. And it wouldn't take anything but the ACCUSATION for my current husband to be labeled such for life regardless of if it ever went to trial.
I chose differently. I chose a life which allows me to spend the maximum amount of time I possibly can with my kids, and have my current husband's support to do it (which is more than I can say for my X). It'll never be enough for you, and it may never be enough for my X, but neither of you matter as much to me NOW as my kids, who don't need boats, SUVs, cars, RVs, sea doos or ANY of the STUFF my previous income afforded. They need ME. And they each need their fathers.
As far as the X having the right to find out about my infidelity? He KNEW several months before I actually left as I'd told him. He BEGGED me to stay for another two years with a claim that he needed to get his business out of $175K in debt (that's NOT including the personal debt for all the stuff purchased for us based on MY income - boat, house, my car, his SUV, etc.). He already had a PI who had followed me. He already had his proof. He already had a profile up on three different dating websites.
That's not about rights. That's about being obssessively controlling, something that plagued the relationship from the day we met and yeah, I probably did deserve a lot of what I got for being so stupid to marry him in the first place, buying all the B.S. and lies that I did from day ONE, and I thank GOD that I got smart about most of it before I did wind up having no relationship with our child at all.