mikec73
recently joined
Reged: 12/02/10
Posts: 7
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Re: Duh...need to figure this out
12/06/10 09:47 PM
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So, in posting my story I have validated the very purpose for even getting on the internet. I have received some very sage advice and a lot of encouragement from you all. Thank you very much for you kind/wise and to a point cautious words.
I have told my gf in no uncertain words that though she doesn't care for my ex due to the characteristics that make her, the gf, completely different from the ex; the ex will be in my life for the rest of my life because of the kids (sorry for the run-on).
A lot of the current stress has to do with the holidays. My family (old and new with the divorce) has always done the santa thing and this is something the gf didn't grow up with due to her religion (she would kill me for sharing that). While my kids are still young, I want to be a part of that "magical" side of the holidays. While we still celebrate Jesus' birthday and read the real Christmas story, we do Santa as well. The gf sees it as lying to children and setting things up for tough times down the road when the kids find out. It is very difficult for her to understand our traditions or love for that side of Christmas that she never experienced. The area where I messed up is committing to spending the night at the ex's boyfriends townhouse over an hour away instead of driving down there at the crack of dawn to see the kids wake up and see what Santa left. The gf is very uncomfortable around the ex because she has no respect for her due to some of the issues mentioned in my initial post. So the whole idea of her experiencing how my family (me and the kids) experience Christmas is being overshadowed by her dread of being in the same home overnight.
I have done everything, in my view, to try an build a foundation out of a tough situation. My ex does not know that the gf doesn't want to be around her, nor will she. The gf will ultimately have to make the decision if she can withstand the current set of circumstances. She recently posted on another website that "to get what you want the most, you have to do what you want the least". She was directly referencing the upcoming holiday.
I think my gf is an incredible woman who would likely settle/warm up to the dynamic between me and the ex at some point. Being honest though, one more incidence like this and I am going to seriously doubt staying in a relationship with her. I am fully aware that dating a man with three kids and an ex is tall order for any girl. I have worked hard at honoring some of the gf requests to establish boundaries (no calls from the ex unless emergencies). I do text her but I am trying to limit that. The gf asks who I am texting most times and while the urge for me to tell her "none of her business" comes up, I usually explain who it is and what they want. If its the ex, the gf usually scoffs and makes a snide comment.
I have been told that I defend my ex from everything. While I do feel that when the gf is bringing things up, I try to explain some of the ex's behaviors and take issue when there is total dissent or bashing from the gf. I tell her that for 8 years, this woman was a 100% supporter of me and the things I am trying to accomplish, all the while raising three kids and working full time. This never goes well was sometimes the gf brings up very compelling points.
At the end of the day I kind of feel torn. I love the woman (gf) that I am with. But know that to be with her, there will be more fights about the ex and her behavior vs. the desire/attempt to build bridges and relationships with the ex. Not sure how I feel about that since they will be interacting frequently in the future. I keep hoping for a turnaround on her perceptions and the next meeting will be the spark that trips a positive relationship for both. Unfortunately, the odds of that happening seem to be very, very slim.
Thanks for enduring this post and I hope my writing makes sense, its 11:00 pm here and this fella is losing his battle with trying to stay up. Thanks again everybody
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