mikec73
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Reged: 12/02/10
Posts: 7
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Re: Duh...need to figure this out
12/09/10 08:25 PM
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Kiwi..great questions here and let me see if I can fill in some more details...
Do you text with your ex? Yes
How many times a day? Depends on the day sometimes none and other times no more than a handful but the higher frequency days are about kids or kid activities.
Do you turn your phone off when you are with your GF? No. I used to jump when my phone moved (a habit that I have tried very hard to correct). This has to do partially with my time in the Army as a police officer where I was on call 24/7. Also, when I got divorced I felt very alone so I reached out to my old friends and lots of family who would call to check on me. Now I will just check my phone to see who the message or call is from and respond on my own time. My gf will ask me who I am texting or who called me. Half the time I want to say nunya but then she will accuse me of feeling like I have to hide some things. If I tell her its the ex then that gets the "what does she want?" which usually turns into another conversation. The ex rarely ever calls when she knows I am with the gf so if she does call I usually take it as something could be wrong with the kids. My kids vaulted to a special place inside me after my divorce. I loved them unconditionally before the divo and now I feel this wild sense of responsibility, care and always concerned that I would lose them(not sure if that makes sense).
Has you GF had much to do with your children? She has and they are very fond of her. My daughter is her shadow. This makes the thought of our relationship ending very hard because I won't be the only one affected.
How often do you spend talking to or about your ex? Almost every time we are together but she is the initiator a lot of times
Negative or positive? I get frustrated sometimes with the ex because some of the plans she has with the kids don't seem to make sense but when I voice these "thoughts" the gf uses them as a pulpit to judge the ex. More to follow on what she says when I answer the other questions.
Adult time-To your adult time question. I used to work weekends before I went back into the Army full time and that was when my gf and I would see each other. We would have a few hours together before I would have to crash for a 4 am wakeup the next day, but since I went back to the Army we have had every weekend, all weekend together. We enjoy each others company very much whether it be relaxing in front of the fire or having a drink at our restaurant. We have spent quite a bit of time together without the kids and now there is more time with the kids as the ex and I switch every other weekend. I have my kids Mon-Fri and every other weekend.
To your financial question. I cover all the expenses from my youngest child's daycare to medical and dental. The ex doesn't pay for any of the care part. She does cover any/all costs when she has them for food etc. I have struggled financially since leaving the Army in 2008 to be close to my kids. My gf doesn't understand why I don't ask the ex about paying for half of the care to which I respond that is not how things were decided after we divorced. While we were married I had the majority of the expenses as her work was intermittent due to my Army career. From a financial perspective, I did not get a lawyer when we did our uncontested divorce and though I have struggled, I have managed. My kids don't want for much. My ex does not put my kids in classes and demand I pay nor does she offer to help with the expenses which I believe is something that bothers my gf significantly.
To Beach babe's question on my gf not having respect for my ex, that is a long answer. However, in the interest of this post it is very important for you to understand it. My gf lost respect for my ex because she sees her as being extremely selfish-all of the following items are things gf has said about ex. The ex lives in the next state (about an hour and fifteen minutes away) from her kids. She does not help with finances as mentioned above, allowing me to pay for everything. She posts some very "interesting" quotes about her personal life on facebook (they have friended each other), she chooses to get the kids up very early in the morning if she has them on a school night so she can get them to school on time; she chooses to switch every other weekend with me when I have them M-F already (I like this idea, because the more time I have with my kids the better). When they are together (gf and ex), gf assessment is that ex dominates conversation talking about herself. On halloween, she bribed kids with individual bags of candy so they wouldn't have to stand in outrageous lines waiting for a couple of pieces of candy.
These and other reasons have soured the gf on the ex to a point of close to loathing.
To the point made about me bending to the ex's will..there is some truth to that but I think that assessment is made based on her feelings of what would be bending. Some of the times I should be less flexible but still others the flexibility doesn't bother me but she almost acts as if she is offended for me because it bothers her.
She has read and knows that she is way to close/passionate about some of the stuff that goes on in "my family" and she is trying very hard to not pass judgement or offer her opinion, however, she has a very hard time not showing non-verbal frustration or angst when she sees me going through some hard decisions in terms of what is right with the ex.
Hope all this makes sense. Tried to answer the questions the best way I knew how and give you all a little more background. Keep the questions coming as it is helping me understand the type of relationship I need to have with the ex while ensuring that relationship does not alienate the gf but holds a [censored] position when family is involved, or decisions about family.
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