"I don't understand why a sane person with solid self esteem wouldn't refuse to hand over their checks."
I explained why I didn't have my own account right away. We are talking 13 months, here. By the time I started making money, we are talking 3-4 paychecks. His resistance grew gradually over those months. And I wanted to trust him. I had no reason not to.
"It just seems like every step og the way, you could have made better choices and now expect him to pay you back for both his and your mistakes."
Are you saying that my mistake was to trust him with our finances? What mistakes did I make? Really, "every step of the way'? Did you live with him? Were you fleeing in January with only pj's and a toothbrush 4 states north? Please tell me what mistake you think I made "every step of the way." I made the very best decisions I could at every step.
I did not ask him to get so angry. I did not allow him to insult me or call me names or push me or not allow me to talk to my daughters or threaten to kill me. I did not allow him to get so violent that he ruined his house and the things he cared for.
"I believe he should have given you some very brief spousal support so that you could move out and get your own place and start the job search."
Well, thank you for that. What he told me was that he was not responsible for taking care of me, and the sooner I realized that, the better. He brought another woman into the house shortly after I left. He'd been seeing her while we were together.
"I don't understand AT ALL why you didn't file to get a few grand to get you on your feet when you were leaving. Sleeping on someone's floor/couch for months and then moving into a crack house doesn't seem like behavior that should be rewarded with a $50,000 payday to me."
How could I file? I was in NY. I made plenty of phone calls to see what my options were. I was getting advice from an advocate from the domestic violence shelter in VA. I talked with a woman from that agency weekly. I would have done anything she told me I should do. I also talked to a few lawyers over the phone. Most wanted between 4,000 and 4,500. I tried the free legal lawyer. That did not work. My "behavior" of sleeping on the floor and living in a crack house and staying in an attic is not "behavior" that I am expecting some reward for. Really, finz, your bias could not be any more clear.
"It seems like if you had just moved out, filed for divorce, put your living expenses on the credit card and gotten a job, in the final divorce settlement he would have been made to pay some of those expenses and this would all just be an unpleasant memory."
Yeah. Wouldn't that just be peachy. I moved out. I had no money, except for a bit of credit. I used a lot of it for clothes (it was winter in NY) food, and motels (Gr8 said I should use the card for that, and I did). How many expenses could YOU put on your credit card??? It was many months. How much of a limit do you think I had??? And was it wise to max out my credit card when that was the only source of income I had??? How much would you use your credit card for when you had no job???
I am not stupid, finz.