Loc: YEE-HAW, Texas
Mother-load of DIvorces? 1st Post
10/22/07 08:26 PM
I have been reading these boards for awhile now, but this is my first post here. I currently live in Texas, and was wondering if anyone had any advice. Thank you in advance to anyone who can offer information.
My husband is a non US citizen, but has permanent residence status in the US. In order for me to petition for his residence I was required to sign an Affidavit of Support (AOS) for the US government. The AOS states that he will not be able to claim welfare (basically) and that should he need support, I promise to support him at a minimum of 110% of the US poverty line. It also commits me to repaying any ‘help he does claim from the government at the 110% level. Since the only income I receive is child support (most not through court order) my mother also signed as a joint sponsor, in order for us to qualify for the income level in which a US citizen can be a sponsor…. Divorce does NOT nullify this AOS. My death, his death, her death, obtaining naturalization, or 40 WORKED quarters is the only things that will. This support includes any disability benefits from SSI… So even if something happens that is beyond his control, (car accident, injury etc) myself and my mother are still legally obligated to support him at a minimum of 110%.
My husband did not receive a work permit until roughly 14-16 months after arriving here in the US and us marrying. We lived off the CS I receive and assistance from my family (about 17 months in all). He had nothing. He could not even get $500 for the car he drove to Texas.
At the time we married he had lived with me for 2 months…I was 24. I had one son from my first marriage, he turned 5 a few day before; and one infant daughter from a different relationship. She was 3 months old (5 weeks old when he moved in) I dated my daughter’s natural father for a year, broke off the relationship, and then found out about my SURPRISE 3 weeks after ending things. My (now) husband and I had been long distant pen pals and chat friends for two years while my “real life” (above) was going on and the internet was still a ‘baby’ too. It was during my pregnancy that we met face to face and the relationship seriously developed.
This December will make 9 years we have been married. In past we had normal issues come up, but had a good marriage overall. (So I thought.) In Feb 05, my son was diagnosed with ADHD and this brought many changes for me personally. In Feb 06, I too was diagnosed with ADHD and personal changes in my life became even greater (for the good). Not long after starting medication, I began to ‘see’ things that I had not before in my marriage. It was like putting on eyeglasses for the first time. I tried to raise my concerns with my husband but he was not responsive as usual. I got his usual verbal commitments to helping us (helping to find ways to connect, do things together, talk openly) followed by no actions. I let him know that I felt devalued in his life and that he seemed more committed to his work then me and our family. He had just started a new job at this time, March 06, and this pattern was continuing when this new job was suppose to be “freeing up” his time and not be a wearing on him.
In addition to those complaints, I also was concerned at how infrequently we had sex. He has never had a high sex drive, and I had asked many times in past years for him to have his hormone levels checked. Our marriage has spanned from ages 23/24 to 32/33 for us, and given our ages and the fact that he’d go MONTHS without sex if I didn’t initiate it, made me think I had reason to be concerned.
One morning in August 06 while he was showering for work, I thought I saw him masturbating in the shower. I was very upset and hurt and inappropriately expressed that hurt. The “reaction” I got however was WAY disproportionate. He was enraged and irate. There was no limit in what was being said to me. I was SHOCKED, confused, stunned, and even a little afraid. After nearly an hour of his ranting and verbal abuse he finally said that “I was a f^(&ing joke and he was so done.” I was shocked and hurt and responded with “Well fine then don’t come home.”.... I thought after he had cooled down, that he’d call. He didn’t... I waited up for him, but he didn’t come home.
I spoke with him the next morning. He said he stayed in a hotel. I apologized for my part, he apologized too. Things were not the same after this. I had a gut feeling something was going on, too many things were ‘off’ and nothing seemed to be adding up. These gut feelings became so intense over the next few weeks that I could not stay asleep at night. My husband was also acting intensely angry or moody, now drinking beer daily, and intentionally starting a fight while drunk. In September 06 I received our cell phone bill and there was an unidentifiable phone number from the night he was gone. I called the number, a female answered, I asked who she was, and she identified herself as his boss. I thanked her and ended the conversation politely without any further inquiry.
When he came home he still continued to lie, and the story changed a couple of times until he finally said that he slept at her house. He said that she is married, and that her husband and son (in his 20s) was there as well…. I had never even met this woman, and with all the lies rolling back over me at that point, I had no idea what to believe, but I was devastated. My husband was unremorseful and went as far as to tell me that it wasn’t “wrong” and I did tell him “not to come home”. He was brutally ANGRY he had been caught lying.
This attitude went on for several weeks. I felt like I had been thrown into the Twilite Zone…confused, devastated, scared, sickened, alone, and deeply hurt. Eventually his attitude shifted to (spoken) “I’ve said I’m sorry….” (unspoken) “…”so shut-up about it”. The next 7 months brought more bad/negative “unintentional” behavior from him. I told him that I was uncomfortable with him remaining at his work, and I asked him to remove himself from a situation that he knows hurts me and continues to make me feel bad. He was very angry at my asking this, and said that if he did what I wanted then HE would be unhappy, and that he wouldn’t quit his job and I couldn’t make him. If I showed hurt, he acted more hurtful. Respect, thoughtfulness, and consideration were sparse. His anger grew and it was if he was searching for reasons to be angry with me over. (Like he was actively seeking out errors on my part)
In April 07 I made him leave our home, 6 days after he assaulted me…. We again were arguing (in his car) early one morning when I noticed a piece of paper next to my seat. I picked it up to look at it and he started to grab it from my hands. I got out of his car quickly and ran inside our house to see what it was that was so important. He unlocked the door and was trying to grab the paper from me. I would not let go and he began to grab my arms and forcibly pry it from my hands. I was screaming for him to let go of me and to get his hands off of me. ( I am 5’3” and 110 lbs; He is 6’2” and 190 lbs)When he didn’t, I bit him!... My now 13 year old son and 8 year old daughter were only feet away in the next room, hearing the entire situation. My husband came screaming out and yelled at them that I was crazy and that I had bit him and that he was going to call the police because I assaulted him and that I was going to be arrested. My kids were terrified!!... I picked up the phone and handed it to him. Bruises were already beginning to appear on my arms, and I left to take my kids to school.
Neither of us ended up calling the police. He knew he was full of BS and we both knew that ANY act of domestic violence reported against him could potentially make him “deportable”. He made sure to remind me of this during a phone call he made to me about an hour later that same morning… and although I knew what he did was grossly ‘wrong’ I didn’t want “one moment” to destroy any remaining hope our marriage had. Since my husband is here legally, his fingerprints are accessible by any police or government entity.
The next morning (Friday) I mad an appointment with an attorney to get advice. I sent my son with my ex-husband and my daughter and I stayed gone as much as possible for the next 3 days. I met with the attorney (Saturday afternoon), and on Sunday began looking for new places for my children and I to move into. ~Sunday night the crocodile tears and apologies came~ He said he would leave. Monday, I withdrew money from our joint savings, prepaid our mortgage for 2 months, paid off a joint credit card, and applied hefty payments to our other credit cards…. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday he did nothing and was acting like ‘business as usual’. Thursday morning after the kids left, I told him if he didn’t leave immediately (that morning) I would be contacting the police and immigration enforcement.
It was after I made him leave that he promised to get medical help and have his blood work checked and hormones checked too. He also promised to see a Psychologist and take an anger management class offered at his work (a major hospital). He did see an MD, but I was not allowed to go with him, and I had to ask for the results weeks later…weeks after that he eventually went to see a Psychologist, but again I was not included. Meanwhile, he is telling me he loves me and acting one way, while doing and behaving the opposite. When I call out these discrepancies, he said the behaviors were not on purpose… He "didn't think”, he “forgot”, “didn’t mean too”, "it wasn't a big deal to him", etc etc etc. His negativity grew and his complaints about our marriage evolved and changed, and his “memory recollection” began hugely excluded him from any wrongdoings… while he verbally took ALL responsibility. He LET me “control” him. He was turned into “a slave” and he did it to himself. His “recollections” matched no relationship I ever knew we had. He apparently was “miserable” the entire 8 years and only “kidding himself” that he was “happy”….????????? Everything from his choice to not take vitamins, to the kind of relationship he has with his family, to how little money we have saved was blamed on his “not saying a word and just letting me do whatever I wanted”.
From April to September, he stayed in an extended stay hotel, and he went back and forth with what he wanted (work it out/divorce). I have too. The first week in September, he moved to a beach front condo.
So now, 2 months from our 9th anniversary, this is where our divorce stands: My 9 year old daughter has never known another man as her father, including her natural father. My husband’s behavior has been so erratic that I do not consider him stable or safe right now….. I was served papers on October 17th; We have no joint children; Texas RSS says that you have to be married for 10 years to receive; I do not work and have not the entire time we were married, not more than a couple hours here and there anyways. I have only a GED, and no college hours. Now that he has been able to make a life and career for himself here, my 'usefulness' in his life is gone; He has continued to pay bills for our joint home, while I pay the majority of our mortgage from CS. It has been 6 months since he assaulted me, and no reports were ever made… My ADHD meds are very expensive and I will be losing my health insurance; I have lost more than 30 lbs from stress since this started and have periods of stress induced asthma; I believe I am suffering from and fighting bouts of serious depression, that I’m seeking help with;….. and the AOS, still has myself and my mother obligated TO HIM and the US government financially for approximately another 2 – 2 ½ years!
So, if this isn’t one of “the mother loads” of divorce… I sure would be scared to know what is! Even if no one has any suggestions or doesn’t read this… it was good to vent openly for once.
I wish each of you on these boards good thoughts and well wishes. There are many mornings that I too have to remind myself to get up and breathe. I know that I am not the only one who suffers, and that I too must make the choice to be resilient. So if anyone else is feeling low and alone… please know that you really aren’t alone, and that you can also make the choice to be resilient, and to breathe. My heart goes out to us all.