Hi folks. I am waiting to see a counsellor...but I have so many things on my chest that I need to get off, and maybe get some advice or kind words. This is my story...
I am 28. My wife is 24. We have been together for 5 years, married for 3. We have a 2 1/2 year old daughter. Life was good for the first 3 years. I made lots of money, life was fun, and we were happy. I then had issues with my employer. There were criminal charges laid, I plead guilty through no other choice and had to pay a large sum of money. I was also given a years house arrest (but could still work) which ends this July 15/09. The company I worked for, I have seen been very very vindictive in the past. A woman from my work who I knew, but had no relations with, called my wife a few days after this all went down, and told her I was having an affair with her. That is when everything changed.
I have always kept a job afterwards, but I have not made a whole lot of money. It took a long time to gain any kind of trust back from my wife, but I did. Although she did keep very tight restrictions on me (cell phone, emails etc. I was not allowed to have a facebook account) She was fairly insecure and that was her biggest fear, that I was sleeping around on her.
But I turned my credit around, we bought a house, a new car, and things seemed good. She ran a daycare out of the house, but my new job kept me out of town for 2-3 weeks a month. But everything seemed fine. We had the usual ups and downs. Because of the severe restrictions I had, I found myself texting friends of mine, some of them girls, just to see how they were doing. I have been faithful to my wife, and I know this was a bad thing to do.
I lied about it, because I was scared. She confronted me when I got caught, and I promised her I would never do anything like that again. She said if I did, she would leave.
A month later I found myself missing my social life. Just being able to talk to my friends, like she did to hers no facebook, and me not being allowed to, it drove me crazy. So I did a much worse thing. I created a facebook account with another name and another email. I hid this from her. When she found it and confronted me on it, I lied again.
So she left. This was 2 weeks ago. Since then it has been anemotional roller coaster. I am not use to having "visists" with my daughter, and she has dangled her in front of me from time to time. I try to remain civil and calm, but my emotions are still raw. She cant afford the house so she moved in with her parents, nor can she afford the car but I let her use it. I have given her money, and made sure the bills have been paid.
There have been times in my marriage when I thought, whether I was at work and listening to coworkers talk about going out drinking or whatever..that "man i wish i was single again" These thoughts usually did not last very long. I loved my wife, and loved coming home to my family when I was out of town. I work in some remote areas, and talking to them and knowing they were waiting for me helped me get through it.
Now when I talk to her, she seems so cold. When she first left, I went four days without eating, drinking or sleeping. I was a mess. My family (mother father sister) helped me get through some of those hard days. I went back to work for a week then took my two week holidays. i am flying home to see my parents, then I have to go back to work.
Some of the hard things I am dealing with are:
1) She seems so unemotional. Shes told me she is over me already, and she doesnt seem to experience the same pain and angst that I do over loosing my spouse. It seems very cold to me.
2) Shes living with her parents. They have lived in this town for a long time, and we were very close. 80% of our time was spent with her parents and sister. Now I find myself with not having anything to do, while she sits at her parents, with her sister. She has lots of people around, including our daughter, while I am left in this house, by myself, with 3 years of memories.
3) Everything I see or look at in this house reminds me of my child or my wife. Its hurts so much, sometimes I just break down. I try to tell myself to grow up, be a man and move forward, but it is SO hard when everything I look at every day, including just sleeping in the bed that we shared for 5 years, is almost unbearable.
4) She says that I was a looser and lazy for the last 2 years. I had been fired from a couple of jobs, until I found the one that I wanted. But I always provided, and our bills ALWAYS got paid. Now she says she was basically sticking around because I was my daughters father, that I was a lazy looser, and that she hasnt been happy since that phonecall from my old employer and she has been miserable. She said my life is in ruins, I am not going anywhere, and that I am not a winner. This has devestated my self confidence, completely destroyed it. I think of all the good things we did, and the memories, and think, was I really that much of a looser. I think of all the fun things we did around the house. Where we made love, heck just cleaning up ciggerette butts outside and laughing about it. It just tears me apart. I have so many memories I want to hide them or tuck them away but I cant.
5) She is 2 months pregnant with our second child. She said the only reason she wanted to have another baby was because she thought it would make her happy. it had nothing to do with me. Even though when she went off her birth control, she told me she thought we were stable enough and good enough to have a second child. Now she tells me it was just to make her happy. She says Im delusional when I tell her thats selflish, and that SHES been living a lie. She is scheduled to have the pregnancy terminated in 4 days. She said she does and always will blame me for that termination.
I just dont know what to do to get past this hurt and pain. I feel my life is worthless, and that I am not good enough for anyone. She did stand by me, and supported me, it seemed, through the tough times. I just cant understand how she is so cold and unemotional when it comes to loosing her husband or ending a 5 year relationshi.\p. I find myself thinking "who is she with, where is she going, is she screwing some other guy right now laughing about how pathetic I was?" It kills me. It hurts so bad. She doesnt want counselling, shes just done. I have BEGGED her to come back, I have told her I will do ANYTHING to save this marrage and repair our family. She says she could never ever trust me again, and she only loved me a little bit the last 2 years.