So 6 weeks ago, my husband asked me for a divorce. He told me heís not happy. He doesn't remember ever being happy. I tried to convince him that we need to save our marriage, and he says thereís nothing to save. I tried to tell him to fight for us. But he doesnít want to. How can I argue with that?
So he moved out. Got his own apartment, and I'm here trying to pick up the pieces of my life.
We've been married for 2.5 years. We dated for 12 years before we got married. We have a daughter who is 1.5 years old. To be honest, I think most of the problems started when she was born. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter.. she is the most important and wonderful part of my life. But everything changed when we had her. Our dynamic changed. I changed.. I became a mom. He changed... he became angry.
My husband started pulling away. He started going out every weekend. And not just for one night, he played hockey a lot more.. full weekends away - he went to every tournament he could find. He started going to the gym every night for 2+ hours. He mountain-bikes in the summer. He would go biking every weekend. He smokes pot - he would do that the rest of the time that he WAS home, or invite friends over. He always played hockey, went to the gym, smoked a little pot, and liked mountain-biking before. But now it was different. It became an obsession to leave the house. And I needed him at home even more. So I resented it every time he left. And we'd argue about it. But he didn't care. He always left, spending money we didnít have. He put us into a lot of debt. And I stayed home with the baby.
It hasn't been a good year. We did counselling, but it didnít help. He just told the counseller what she wanted to hear. He even admitted that to me. We fought a lot - mostly about him leaving, or doing drugs. And he gets really mean when we fight. Not physical, but emotionally abusive. He yells at me, calls me names, belittles me. Our fights were never about a subject, always about bringing me down and being hurtful. So I just stopped fighting back. Just agreed with what heíd say, but it didnít matter. He just kept going. Heíd lose his temper, punch holes in walls & doors. But for some reason, I stood by him. It hurt - every word he said. Every time he came in the house and looked at me like he hated me. Like I was this horrible person that took away his life. I walked on eggshells trying not to say or do anything to make him mad. But it didn't matter how nice I was, or how much I did for him, he always found a reason to get mad. He walked in the house from work mad. There was no way around it. In front of friends, family, it didnít matter anymore. I was so embarrassed to have people over. He was so angry all the time.
It got a lot worse in the last few months. I started talking about having another baby. I started saying how much I wanted to give our little girl, a brother or sister. It was always our plan to have 2 kids. But not to him at least not anymore. He would get so angry when I mentioned it. I pushed the subject a few days before he left. I believe thatís why he left. Maybe he knew we couldnít go through this all again with another child. And he wanted to leave before we brought another child into the situation. I donít know. But I wish he would have talked to me.
So I should be happy he left. I should appreciate that he decided to walk away before it did get physical. I mean, it couldnít have been good for our daughter to see all that anger. All my friends and family, have been really supportive, but I know they all think this is the best thing that could have happened. I know if I were on the other side as a friend I would too.
See my issue is; I believe in marriage. I believe in never giving up. Pushing through the bad times, and never quitting. Is that so wrong? I'm a fool, and I know it. But I want to fix this. I want to go to counselling, and try to keep my family together. I donít want to go back to that angry home, but to the house of love we had a few years ago. The one he canít remember. But I canít make him do that. I canít even make him remember the good times. And I certainly canít force him to try again. And if I did - where will that get me? Back here in another year.
And my little girl. She deserves so much better than this. She is so smart, and so beautiful. She needs to have a stable home. A mom and a dad. Fulltime. I have been by her side every day since the day she was born. I didnít leave every weekend. I didnít take off every night. It was me and her. And I have been devoted to being a good mother every day. And now, Iím supposed to just hand her over to him. The one that left us. The one that made this all happen. The one that didnít care about how this would all affect her. Every other weekend. And then again during the week. I didnít become a mother to do if half the time.I want to be a part of her life every day, not just when itís my turn. He didnít take turns the last year. Itís been my turn since the day she was born. And I loved it all. Sure I would have liked some help, but I never wanted to take turns. I never wanted this.
I was a good wife. I was loyal, forgiving, caring, trustworthy, trusting, and a good mother to his daughter. And I would have done anything to save our marriage. To make him happy. If he just would have tried.
I love him. And I will always love him. But what should i do. Should I call him and tell him I don't want to lose us? And I know he already knows that. He knows thats the type of person i am. Never give up. Or should I walk away now?
Lately he has been getting angry at the idea of me with someone else. He still tries to hug me, and calls me baby when I see him. Does that mean he wants us back.. or is it just residual behavior because we have been together so long?