sweetnuffins4u
recently joined
Reged: 12/21/04
Posts: 5
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Lost & confused
12/21/04 09:31 AM
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My husband and I have been married for 9 years now. When I was preg. with my last child I became really depressed. Dont know why. I didnt wanna be around anybody,just wanted to pack my kids up and leave. I cried without reason. I was miserable. It was the third time I had been pregnant in 3 years. Anyway, things just built up from there. I wanted my husband to ug me and kiss me and tell me everything would be ok. I tried several times to tell him this, all the while squalling my eyes out. He never seemed interested. I loved him dearly. Next to my kids, he was my world. I used to do the romantic candlelight dinners all the time. Or I would buy him lil things from the store to let him know I thought about him while I was gone. I was always talking bout him while away from him.So much people got tired of hearing his name..lol..When I became depressed I thought I could pull myself out of it. I tried really hard to shake its hold on me and thought I had. We got a computer and the internet and things got worse. I already was tired of feeling like I was trying to make our relationship work and he wasnt trying. I started talking to someone on here and I really liked them. Even tho they lied to me repeatedly and admitted it. (I think that show goes to show how needy i was feeling) It didnt matter b/c he was telling me all of what I wanted to hear. Well we talked of meeting and he called me almost everyday for like a month and a 1/2. Well when my husbands shift changed he quit calling cuzz it wasnt convenient for him. And I really liked this guy.He was treating me the same way my hubby had(except he was lying)when I felt like he loved me. My hubby got to where he was calling me all kinds of names:slut,whore,internet whore, nasty slut,b!tch, etc etc. He knew i was hiding somthing but didnt know what. There was some others I talked to on here that my husband didnt like either. But they were nothing serious. Anyway I stayed at a friends house one night and she invited this guy over. Well,needless to say I messed up. But,I didnt go thru with it. As soon as I realized where I was and who I was with I flipped out. I told my friend I was coming straight home and telling my husband. She talked me out of it. Told me if i was any kind of a friend to her I would think of the impact it would have on her relationship with a guy she was with. Well, I was stupid enuff to listen. So I came home and kept it to myself. I went back to crying alot and being miserable. I would get physically sick when I thought about what had happened. The only way I lived with myself was by telling myself that atleast I hadnt went thru with it. I had let it start. But, I didnt finish it. And things got worse with my husband. He was still calling me names and started pushing me around and stuff. Got physical a couple of times. And all I had wanted from him was to feel like he loved me. I didnt feel like asking for him to hug me and kiss me soemtimes was alot to ask for. I quit doing anything I knew he liked. No more romantic dinners or lil trinkets from the store. I got to where I hated to think of when we were here together. All we did was fight and argue, fight and argue, fight and argue,etc. We were both miserable. I was glad for the times we were apart. If I didnt have love from him atleast I had peace. My mind and heart were in conflict. I was and still am physically, emotionally, and mentally tired from all this. My self esteem is -5. I know I'm to blame for what happened. Butam I totally to blame for it? Can noone understand the way I was feeling? I'm not looking for sympathy...just..maybe a lil understanding. I know the stuff on the net was wrong. And the stuff at my ex friends house was wrong. But can anybody understand even a lil how depressed I was? I am still depressed. Can anyone suggest something I can do to help me get over this depression? And just so yall know I dont believe in extramarrital affairs, for any reason.
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