A year after her false accusations were dismissed in court and the judge granted me the divorce, almost 2 months after she (and her sons, assisted by people from the shelter) broke into my home, every morning when I wake up my mind goes in to the same thought pattern:
How could she do it to me? When she needed help I helped her. I gave her a home, food, medical and dental, surgeries, cosmetic surgeries, nice clothes, SUV.... and she returns the favor with false accusations. How is that possible? When she needed me she was so nice. For three years she acted and then she turned into a devil.
After 3 years of her constantly telling me that she loved me and that her biggest dream was to be my wife I have to de-program my brain. I have to clean-up the mess she put into my mind and understand that everything she said during the 3 years we were together was a complete lie.
Having a business relationship with her sister and brother-in-law isnít helping my healing. A year ago the conversations I had with them were key in discovering that Martha is an NPD. Now that I tell them that the information they gave me about Martha is consistent with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder they refuse to believe it.
Somehow I need to re-program my mind, erase the mess she put into it and insert the truth:
- She as a narcissist has a complete incapacity for empathy.
- She dislikes physical, sexual, and emotional intimacy. She took the sex we had on a daily basis as her job.
- My interaction (it wasnít a relationship) with her, a narcissist was an appallingly toxic and bewildering experience.
- She as a narcissist is entirely about control.
- She as a narcissist is never whole without an adoring, admiring, and totally self-denigrating partner. Her very sense of superiority, indeed her False Self, depends on it.
- Her sadistic Superego switched her attention to me, the partner, to obtain a source of satisfaction and gratification.
- My predominant state of mind during the 3 years I lived with her was utter confusion.
- She idealized me for as long as she needed me and then she DEVALUED and discarded me like an object.
- Her core narcissistic behavior is to exploit, lie, insult, demean, ignore (the "silent treatment"), manipulate and control. All these are forms of abuse.
- She as a narcissist is a master of abusing surreptitiously ("ambient abuse"). She is a "stealth abuser". You have to actually live with her in order to witness the abuse.
- She as a narcissist does not keep agreements, does not adhere to laws or social norms, and regards consistency and predictability as demeaning traits.
- I fell in love with an image, an act, not with a real person. It is the voiding of the image that is hard to deal with.
- I totally misread and misinterpreted the whole interaction (it wasnít a relationship).
- Her suddenly revealing her true self after 3 years of deception is having pernicious and traumatic effects such as hyper-vigilance, sleep disturbances, flashbacks (intrusive memories), psychosomatic symptoms, shame, depression, anxiety, embarrassment, guilt, humiliation, abandonment, and an enhanced sense of vulnerability.
- I invested in her, a narcissist, which is a purposeless, futile and meaningless activity. To her, every day is a new beginning, a new cycle of idealization or devaluation, a newly invented false self. There is no accumulation of credits or goodwill because she, the narcissist has no past and no future.
- She has the emotional maturity of a child. She only cares about her needs and gratification. She is incapable of understanding human pain and suffering. She is not human.